LJ Idol Week 10 entry: Take a hike!
When things between me and Ivan were still as fresh as the paint on a newly renovated house he surprisingly asked me to spend a weekend in the mountains with him and two friends of his. First, I was hesitant. We had been dating for a few months and only recently became aware that this thing we had was more serious than a usual temporary romance.
Nevertheless, I felt like I still had to get to know him better and he needed to get to know me better, too. He did it in this humorous way that made time with him feel easy. He bought vanilla ice cream and when he was able to trace the bit of disapproval I was not able to hide (I was of the mint or chocolate or everything-else-but-vanilla type) he got out a package of caramel-flavour ice cream. “Just wanted to see what your thing is.”
He smiled brightly.
I finally agreed to go with him. This was really an opportunity to spend time with him and to meet his friends.
We started in the morning from a parking already high up (or so it seemed). I had condensed my stuff into a small backpack and an extra bag. Ivan also had a backpack and took care of my (admittedly heavy) extra bag as if it was just a clutch with a few coins in it.
Fortunately, he did not walk too fast or slow. He took my right hand in his left and I watched him and his profile. He was in his forties but might have passed for 25. He was rather athletic but no bodybuilder, he had these wrinkles in the corners of his eyes which gave the look from his bright blue eyes something warm.
“It will be two hours. Don’t worry, we will be there by mid day”. Ivan took a deep breath.
“Do your friends know I am coming with you?” I have secretly been nervous about meeting new people.
“Yes of course.” There was his smile again! “Vasilij and Natasha are looking forward to getting to know you. They will love you, trust me.”
“Ok” I muttered and made an attempt to smile. By 32, I should have gotten a hang about dealing with new people, but that attempt was probably going to take another 30 years.
Nature was beautiful around here. There were no cars, no airplane noises, no concrete pavements. It was grass and flowers, the sun shining on us and the birds rehearsing for their summer concert. There was a scent of wildflowers in the air and I felt the relaxing effect of this pleasant surroundings.
Then the little house came in sight. It looked tiny but cozy and was made of dark brown wood and grey cobblestone. When we were almost at the door and Ivan reached out to knock it, the door was opened like someone had been sensing our arrival.
“Vasilij!!!” Ivan shook the hand of the man who had just stepped outside.
I froze. This man, Vasilij, was not just any friend of Ivan I had not been introduced yet. I knew this face, the almost delicately drawn mouth and nose, the brown hair and strict looking eyes. I had sat on a comfy chair next to this man and told him things that not even my best friend or my parents knew. Not because he had been my intense affair a lover from the past.
Vasilij had been my therapist.
He did not even seem surprised to see me, but then again he had the ability to successfully camouflage certain feelings and only hand out carefully selected reactions.
In order not to appear like a stupid statue I reached out for his hand and shook it. Maybe a little too eager. “Hi Vasilij, I am Melody. Nice to meet you.”
Vasilij smiled. “Nice to meet you, too. Please come in.”
Ivan and me went inside with him where Natasha an absolutely enchanting person with black curls and grey eyes was arranging the table. She honestly seemed to be happy to see us both and insisted that we should have a good lunch now since we arrived on time.
When we sat down, I secretly wished that he might have forgotten I was his patient. It had been 3 years already since then. But three years were maybe too few to forget someone. But I was not that remarkable at all, so there still was a chance.
I tried to stop my thoughts from wandering around and complimented the fantastic spaghetti Natasha had made. We had them together with some red wine Ivan and I brought along and my tension softened a little.
“So what are you doing for a living, Melody?” Vasilij had just put down is glass and fixated me, curiously. Natasha seemed interested to hear what I was saying.
“I am working in quality assurance at a video game studio”. I swallowed some spaghetti and went for some more wine.
“Wow, that must be great, surely you get to play a lot?” Natasha was grinning. “Well, uh, actually it is more bug hunting than playing.”
I took a breath.
Hoping this weekend would end without anyone outing me before everyone. For everyone else, I thought it was great when they went into psychotherapy and I was glad I went. But for now, I wanted to tell Ivan about my own past when the time was right. Maybe he would be irritated about Vasilij knowing so much about me when Ivan himself was just getting to know me.
Just when I was about to escape to the bathroom for one moment, Vasilij looked at us with tired eyes. His looks had now lost part of this therapist shell he had always been surrounded with. “Good night friends.” he announced. “Sleep well” Natasha got up slowly and followed Vasilij.
“Are you ok?”
Ivan looked at me. “You seem a little more quiet than usual.”
“I am fine. Really.” I reached out and took his hand. It was warm and dry. Ivan smiled brightly. “Did you notice there was no dessert?” Then he got up, took my hand and pulled me towards him. His kiss was not the first one I got but each one felt like a beginning.
Why can’t my past just get lost?
Sometimes I wish I could leave it somewhere on the train or at a bench and having someone return it to the lost and found. Or stuff it into a closet to never let is see the sunlight again.
“If you stuff it all in and push the door shut, it will all burst out at once. Put it each piece in there and get it out from time to time. Cherish each piece, even if you don’t love it. Put it back carefully. Then there will be room for the future.”
These were Vasilij’s words once and I realized they still fitted into this presence, where Ivan was insisting to check out the second bedroom for dessert.
For now, I was present.