(no subject)
well, wasn't that a depressing night of television.
i watched sopranos and L word. :(
you know though, life is too damn short. it's too short to be sad all the time, to worry myself to death about my finances instead of trying to get out of debt. it's too short to pretend that i am unhappy or that people don't really like me because i'm too scared to let anyone in and get hurt again. ha, i MAKE myself unhappy. how stupid is that?
i bought 3 bottles of wine and some pizza to gorge myself and pass out, why? that's ridiculous! i had a great day. i used to make fun of one of my friends for doing the exact same thing. i used to do this with my school work. if i never tried then there was a reason why i failed, it wasn't me being stupid, it was because i didn't do the work. it worked too, i had a 1.7 my first year in college. somehow a fire was lit under my ass and i was pulling 4.0 and working full time.
and so, along the wayi've been hurt, betrayed by friends, let down by those i'm very close to. it's all i can seem to focus on. what people are doing to hurt me. and what they aren't dong but they have the potential to do. but it seems when i stick myself out there i'm cut down or faced with rejection. so what? quit? give up? ruin things on my own before other people do? that's really only going to make me miserable. there are a few people i owe apologies to for pushing away, a few i genuinely miss and love and need to call even if i'm afraid they are just going to leave, and a few i need to let go because it's never going to be the same and what i hold onto i ruined years ago.
i have an idea in my head on how things "should" be, how my life "should" work out. when things don't go as planned i get upset. when people don't react the way i want them to i struggle to get my way. that usually doesn't work so i try harder. a few of you know exactly how stubborn i am. i struggle so hard to find some form of security. it doesn't exist. at least not the way i want it to. there is always going to be someone who doesn't hear what i'm saying, other people's fears to contend with, trust is a hard thing for me and it's not going to come overnight, i'm going to be hurt again, there's no way around that. as much as i want to control for all circumstances, there's always the unexpected.
it's my dad's birthday today. i miss my dad. he's a very smart man. his IQ is over 20 points higher than mine. but beyond that, he actually gets people. he knows too much sometimes. i think i got a bit of that from him, not that i have gone through even one one-hundredth of the pain and the shit he's had to go through. somehow i've found my way into every crappy situation on my own and not because it was just thrown in my face. it hurts to know how selfish some people are, even more so to think i'm selfish too. i got to talk to him a little bit about how i've been feeling lately and he put it into a bit of perspective. it helps that he knows me and sees through my bullshit. i hope to god that i can just accept that things don't always have to go the way that i imagined for everything to be ok. this is not exactly how i imagined 27 to be. so many things that i've done, people i've known shit i never thought would happen to me. my friend randy always says, "jesus! brenda how in the hell does this shit always happen to you!" yeah some charmed life, i'm waiting for all the dust to settle. i just keep stirring it back up. i'm scared to relax. don't get me wrong, it's not like i'm pining for some thing that i didn't do or regretting something i did. i never thought that regret was the solution to anything. there's ONE MILLION different paths i could have chosen. and if i chose just one differently there would be things that i have experienced that i wwould have missed out on and people i would have never known and that would be a damn shame. no, i'm disappointed in myself that i'm not doing things differently NOW. this isn't how i want to be. there's no time like the present and i sit here feeling sorry for myself making up excuses about why i am the way i am. why i'm sad all the time, why i don't have that amazing motivation that some people seem to muster in spite of everything. do i need to wait until some adverse situation occurs to try and fix things or until it's too late and just let things go and blame circumstance? i hope not. and right now, i can't even cry anymore, i can't even feel sorry for myself. i can't even pretend that it's really someone else that is making things bad for me. it's not, it's me. it's been me all along. i know how things are and the way they are going to be and i don't accept that. i continue to make myself into some martyr.
how do i get out of this rut? i think sometimes i'm so far into it i'll never get out. and some things are so hard to change, and some are so easy to let go the way they are. and my escape route that i have all planned out, just isn't the way, i won't be happy. i'll be comfortable but then i would regret, i would have known that i had a situation that was better but just harder, the easy way out is just that. it's a cheap imitation, a way that things "should" be. i'm so disappointed, i'm so wrapped up in the way things should be. i was never like this. i spent WAY too much money on tanning last week. why? because i'm embarrased of the way i look. it's utterly ridiculous. what the fuck do i care about what people think of me now? i never did before. what's different now? just that some assholes hurt me? fuck that, and fuck them too. exactly FUCK IT.
i watched sopranos and L word. :(
you know though, life is too damn short. it's too short to be sad all the time, to worry myself to death about my finances instead of trying to get out of debt. it's too short to pretend that i am unhappy or that people don't really like me because i'm too scared to let anyone in and get hurt again. ha, i MAKE myself unhappy. how stupid is that?
i bought 3 bottles of wine and some pizza to gorge myself and pass out, why? that's ridiculous! i had a great day. i used to make fun of one of my friends for doing the exact same thing. i used to do this with my school work. if i never tried then there was a reason why i failed, it wasn't me being stupid, it was because i didn't do the work. it worked too, i had a 1.7 my first year in college. somehow a fire was lit under my ass and i was pulling 4.0 and working full time.
and so, along the wayi've been hurt, betrayed by friends, let down by those i'm very close to. it's all i can seem to focus on. what people are doing to hurt me. and what they aren't dong but they have the potential to do. but it seems when i stick myself out there i'm cut down or faced with rejection. so what? quit? give up? ruin things on my own before other people do? that's really only going to make me miserable. there are a few people i owe apologies to for pushing away, a few i genuinely miss and love and need to call even if i'm afraid they are just going to leave, and a few i need to let go because it's never going to be the same and what i hold onto i ruined years ago.
i have an idea in my head on how things "should" be, how my life "should" work out. when things don't go as planned i get upset. when people don't react the way i want them to i struggle to get my way. that usually doesn't work so i try harder. a few of you know exactly how stubborn i am. i struggle so hard to find some form of security. it doesn't exist. at least not the way i want it to. there is always going to be someone who doesn't hear what i'm saying, other people's fears to contend with, trust is a hard thing for me and it's not going to come overnight, i'm going to be hurt again, there's no way around that. as much as i want to control for all circumstances, there's always the unexpected.
it's my dad's birthday today. i miss my dad. he's a very smart man. his IQ is over 20 points higher than mine. but beyond that, he actually gets people. he knows too much sometimes. i think i got a bit of that from him, not that i have gone through even one one-hundredth of the pain and the shit he's had to go through. somehow i've found my way into every crappy situation on my own and not because it was just thrown in my face. it hurts to know how selfish some people are, even more so to think i'm selfish too. i got to talk to him a little bit about how i've been feeling lately and he put it into a bit of perspective. it helps that he knows me and sees through my bullshit. i hope to god that i can just accept that things don't always have to go the way that i imagined for everything to be ok. this is not exactly how i imagined 27 to be. so many things that i've done, people i've known shit i never thought would happen to me. my friend randy always says, "jesus! brenda how in the hell does this shit always happen to you!" yeah some charmed life, i'm waiting for all the dust to settle. i just keep stirring it back up. i'm scared to relax. don't get me wrong, it's not like i'm pining for some thing that i didn't do or regretting something i did. i never thought that regret was the solution to anything. there's ONE MILLION different paths i could have chosen. and if i chose just one differently there would be things that i have experienced that i wwould have missed out on and people i would have never known and that would be a damn shame. no, i'm disappointed in myself that i'm not doing things differently NOW. this isn't how i want to be. there's no time like the present and i sit here feeling sorry for myself making up excuses about why i am the way i am. why i'm sad all the time, why i don't have that amazing motivation that some people seem to muster in spite of everything. do i need to wait until some adverse situation occurs to try and fix things or until it's too late and just let things go and blame circumstance? i hope not. and right now, i can't even cry anymore, i can't even feel sorry for myself. i can't even pretend that it's really someone else that is making things bad for me. it's not, it's me. it's been me all along. i know how things are and the way they are going to be and i don't accept that. i continue to make myself into some martyr.
how do i get out of this rut? i think sometimes i'm so far into it i'll never get out. and some things are so hard to change, and some are so easy to let go the way they are. and my escape route that i have all planned out, just isn't the way, i won't be happy. i'll be comfortable but then i would regret, i would have known that i had a situation that was better but just harder, the easy way out is just that. it's a cheap imitation, a way that things "should" be. i'm so disappointed, i'm so wrapped up in the way things should be. i was never like this. i spent WAY too much money on tanning last week. why? because i'm embarrased of the way i look. it's utterly ridiculous. what the fuck do i care about what people think of me now? i never did before. what's different now? just that some assholes hurt me? fuck that, and fuck them too. exactly FUCK IT.