Four years ago today...
Well, I've been in California four years already. It has been a crazy four years. Up and down all the time. The worst part about it is that it has been nearly a year and a half since my little Nietzsche died. I miss her so much. What would have been her eleventh birthday was on May 10th. Have I said that I miss her so much? Her death was nearly the end of me.
Nietzsche was the one constant in my life, through several relationships, moves and depression. She was my home support when I was going through therapy. She stood by me when I felt alone and shared the stage with me when I didn't. She was my backbone and my support. I loved and cared for her as best I could. It didn't matter where I was, as long as she was there. When I ran off to NYC when my grandmother was dying, I felt far away from her and couldn't wait to get back home to see her. When I saw her, it meant I was home.
On the evening of November 11, 2009, Nietzsche was walking around and coughing. I thought she may have been getting a cold. I cuddled with her and fed her dinner. Everything seemed fine. She was happy. I went to bed. I woke up at 5am the next morning and she was breathing hard. We took her to the vet. My Nietzsche, my little baby that I've lived with, raised from ten weeks old, was in congestive heart failure. I called my ex, Nietzsche's "dad" to consult with him. After much thought and just looking at her, I could see he was dying. I decided to make it easy on her and put her to sleep.
At first, I was ok. I stayed home from work for a couple of days, finished the clove cigarettes I was stock piling in the freezer since they had become illegal the month before, and got my friends up to speed. "I took Nietzsche into the hospital at 5am this morning and we put her to sleep at 9am" I repeated call after call. It was easy to say.
That following Tuesday, I picked up her ashes. This little cherry wood box now contained my best friend, my child. It hit me, I could never feel close to her again. She was gone. No more fur, no more snorting, no more strange smells. My baby was really, really gone and she left behind dust. And me.
I do still irrationally blame myself for her death. She didn't like sleeping in bed with me since I was living in the loft. I now rarely slept with her. With school, I was barely home and not spending as much time with her as I wanted to. I was also living at home with 3 cats, a lizard and her. My attention was being spread pretty thin. She had a heart murmur, why wasn't I exercising her more, paying more attention to her food and making sure my now ex wasn't giving her fatty and salty food. Shoulda, woulda, coulda but didn't. The price I paid was a part of me.
It has been difficult without her. When I was in the emergency room and was told that they need to keep me because there was a chance I may stop breathing, I wished I could have something to live for. When I found myself single for the first time in California, I wished that I could at least have a little being in my life who lived for me, and I for her. It isn't the same dating someone who hasn't met her, who Nietzsche doesn't get to judge and let me know that this person gets her approval. Without her I do feel alone, at times. She was always my cheerleader and my biggest fan. She was what meant home to me.
I am trying to build a new life, without Nietzsche in it. I can never forget what she gave me, what she meant to me and how lucky I was to have her in my life. She came in so quickly and was taken away even quicker. I miss her more than words in the English language can describe. I hope one day I can heal from losing my best friend.
Nietzsche was the one constant in my life, through several relationships, moves and depression. She was my home support when I was going through therapy. She stood by me when I felt alone and shared the stage with me when I didn't. She was my backbone and my support. I loved and cared for her as best I could. It didn't matter where I was, as long as she was there. When I ran off to NYC when my grandmother was dying, I felt far away from her and couldn't wait to get back home to see her. When I saw her, it meant I was home.
On the evening of November 11, 2009, Nietzsche was walking around and coughing. I thought she may have been getting a cold. I cuddled with her and fed her dinner. Everything seemed fine. She was happy. I went to bed. I woke up at 5am the next morning and she was breathing hard. We took her to the vet. My Nietzsche, my little baby that I've lived with, raised from ten weeks old, was in congestive heart failure. I called my ex, Nietzsche's "dad" to consult with him. After much thought and just looking at her, I could see he was dying. I decided to make it easy on her and put her to sleep.
At first, I was ok. I stayed home from work for a couple of days, finished the clove cigarettes I was stock piling in the freezer since they had become illegal the month before, and got my friends up to speed. "I took Nietzsche into the hospital at 5am this morning and we put her to sleep at 9am" I repeated call after call. It was easy to say.
That following Tuesday, I picked up her ashes. This little cherry wood box now contained my best friend, my child. It hit me, I could never feel close to her again. She was gone. No more fur, no more snorting, no more strange smells. My baby was really, really gone and she left behind dust. And me.
I do still irrationally blame myself for her death. She didn't like sleeping in bed with me since I was living in the loft. I now rarely slept with her. With school, I was barely home and not spending as much time with her as I wanted to. I was also living at home with 3 cats, a lizard and her. My attention was being spread pretty thin. She had a heart murmur, why wasn't I exercising her more, paying more attention to her food and making sure my now ex wasn't giving her fatty and salty food. Shoulda, woulda, coulda but didn't. The price I paid was a part of me.
It has been difficult without her. When I was in the emergency room and was told that they need to keep me because there was a chance I may stop breathing, I wished I could have something to live for. When I found myself single for the first time in California, I wished that I could at least have a little being in my life who lived for me, and I for her. It isn't the same dating someone who hasn't met her, who Nietzsche doesn't get to judge and let me know that this person gets her approval. Without her I do feel alone, at times. She was always my cheerleader and my biggest fan. She was what meant home to me.
I am trying to build a new life, without Nietzsche in it. I can never forget what she gave me, what she meant to me and how lucky I was to have her in my life. She came in so quickly and was taken away even quicker. I miss her more than words in the English language can describe. I hope one day I can heal from losing my best friend.