big baby.
sometimes, i look at pictures of the lives some of my friends are having, and i get jealous. the internet is a really poor representation of how things may be, but people are able to (un/)clearly present themselves in whatever ways they desire.
i don't know why i feel like grad school is this irrevocable step into adulthood. rather, it should seem like the opposite. i can't make a commitment to anything that i actually want to do, long-term, as in a career. i am staying here because i am in no way ready to leave this city without being mature enough not to burn all of my bridges down, only so it is easier. i am continuing on with more school under the protection of my student loans only to leave to teach school, high school no less, so i can stay in this system as long as i like.
i'm holding on for the promise of more summer vacations. i keep telling myself that "at least i will be doing work that matters"-- you know, because that attitude is in no way problematic (yeah, right). this is my way of wasting time, doing something else until i am able to figure out exactly what it is that i want to do.
but that's the problem. there's no one thing i want to do. i want to do a lot of things. sure, i could throw myself into designing clothes, or video stuff, or any number of activities--- but instead, i just think about them and never actually do them.
that's why i'm staying in school. because i am not really a doer. i think about stuff i want to do, sometimes i make them happen, more often than not, i bank them away on a piece of scratch paper or in a book.
being in philadelphia made me want to stop everything i was doing, move there, work in guacamole or retrospect, or some other shitty retail clothing job, and just hang the fuck out. go home, work at buckley's, make money, and not do much else.
maybe seven months was not enough time to recover from my burnout. maybe my burnout from school was just replaced with work. maybe i should take out a loan large enough so i don't have to worry about money shit starting in june instead of september.
waah.
i don't know why i feel like grad school is this irrevocable step into adulthood. rather, it should seem like the opposite. i can't make a commitment to anything that i actually want to do, long-term, as in a career. i am staying here because i am in no way ready to leave this city without being mature enough not to burn all of my bridges down, only so it is easier. i am continuing on with more school under the protection of my student loans only to leave to teach school, high school no less, so i can stay in this system as long as i like.
i'm holding on for the promise of more summer vacations. i keep telling myself that "at least i will be doing work that matters"-- you know, because that attitude is in no way problematic (yeah, right). this is my way of wasting time, doing something else until i am able to figure out exactly what it is that i want to do.
but that's the problem. there's no one thing i want to do. i want to do a lot of things. sure, i could throw myself into designing clothes, or video stuff, or any number of activities--- but instead, i just think about them and never actually do them.
that's why i'm staying in school. because i am not really a doer. i think about stuff i want to do, sometimes i make them happen, more often than not, i bank them away on a piece of scratch paper or in a book.
being in philadelphia made me want to stop everything i was doing, move there, work in guacamole or retrospect, or some other shitty retail clothing job, and just hang the fuck out. go home, work at buckley's, make money, and not do much else.
maybe seven months was not enough time to recover from my burnout. maybe my burnout from school was just replaced with work. maybe i should take out a loan large enough so i don't have to worry about money shit starting in june instead of september.
waah.