(no subject)
In the near future, i forsee so much ending for me and those around me. we end this clique that we have all found a home in and the way of life that we have found within it. we end the summer. we end relationships. we end so much. and for many of my friends, they get this new beginning. they get a new school, with new ppls and new experiences and everything. unfortunetely for me, i get nothin. there r the same old ppls there, the same old building, the same old teachers and other shit. except this year, tho i still have some of the important ppls of my life, i don't have all of them. i lose the vast majority of the ppls that i feel actually care bout me, and that's kinda scary. in fact, it's really scary for me. i'm so afraid of goin back and just hatin everythin bout the coming year. i'm afraid of just crawlin into this mundane hole and never really bein able to come out of it. or, i'm afraid of the dead opposite, of just screwin round all the time and loosing ne relationship that has ever meant anything to me. i'm so afraid that i won't be happy, that i will always feel alone, b/c those the feelings that make me not ok, and i'm so afraid that i will do somethin to myself because of them. i can look at all these ppls that r sorta in my same situation that have done so much better at protectin themselves for what's to come after this summer ends. i mean, there's andy, who has started this relationship with renee, a girl who isn't goin away. i dunno how that will turn out, tho i honestly hope for the very best for both of them, but regardless, they each have somethin to tie them to here, to tie them to this place. it makes it easier to still be here once the group leaves. or, there is kyle, and person who used to be so important in my life that i don't even know nemore. he never got attatched to the group, and i'm sure of that b/c i know that even when we were together and sposed to know the most bout each other, neither of us really knew nethin bout the other one. ne attatchments he had are long gone now, he found others to take their place, so he will have ppls next year. or there r so many other examples of what ppls have done in order to ensure that they will be ok next year. i haven't done that. i think that this is what has really been on my mind lately, what has really been makin me upset. i'll sit with these ppls that i care for so much, and in the middle of laughin, part of my will just stop and member that i don't have many of those moments left. so i guess to all of those ppls who r startin anew this year, good luck, move on, but don't completely forget those of us that helped u get where u r in some way.