(no subject)

[missagirl18]

Wow, it's crazy. i sit here and think that my life can't get ne worse, and then i keep livin it and it does. i mean, so much in my life has gone south recently that i guess it just kinda rolls off my back now. i mean, there's my family, where my mother isn't the same person she was b4 she got sick but has lost the ability to know that. all she seems to be is angry, and she seems to be livin her life so that she hurts herself and everyone round her. not to mention that my bro doesn't know how to keep his mouth closed and so i can't member a time in the past year that we've been able to have even one convo w/ all five of us where we're not fighting. with friends, i feel like they're all usin me. usin me for rides, usin me to put them in the right situations, usin me for attention when the person that they really want is otherly occupied. so many different things that i can be for ppls, i wish that i could feel that ppl liked me for more than what i can do for them. who knows if its true. i think that the splittin of the group that i hang out w/ has been hard. while i like the ppls that i'm w/, i miss the other ones and i miss the good times that we had as a full group. i was never as happy as earlier this year when we were the full group... which i spose leads easily into my loev life, which sux. i still feel rather attatched to kyle, which pisses me off. i mean, i wouldn't go out w/ him again right now b/c i don't trust him even if he was interested, which he's not. i don't know y i can't get him outta my head, but whatever. oh, and to top it off, the only guy that i've really been interested in since endin things w/ kyle i found out has a gf who he asked out in a very cute and sweet way. there's a slap in the face to me, who actually thought that i had a chance. then of course there's school, where i have Cs of B-s in all of my classes, and if this stays like this, my rents r goin to kill me. which, of course, leads to life extracurricularly. i've been a writer on the paper for two years. i've gone to journalism camp twice. i took a journalism class in school. the advisor for the paper that we had last year had offered me a spot this year, but i couldn't take it b/c i lacked the room to take a class. but u know what? they didn't pick me to be an editor for my senior fuckin year. they picked some less qualified sophomores, who have two years to be an editor instead of me where next year is the only chance i've got. i paid my dues, and yet i got screwed. i had planed my life round this job, and now it was taken away. they took away my future and the chance to participate in somethin that i love. sure, i could be a writer, but i'm a bit reluctant b/c i think it would be a slap in the face to have some little junior cutsy editor who beat me out of a job that i had paid my time and should have gotten. but i guess i'm sposed to learn somethin, right? that real world lesson that u'll always be workin w/ ppls who seem underqualified for their jobs. this is bullshit, and frankly, go bad mouth me whoever reads this to the advocate, tell them i'm a sore loser, tell them whatever u want. u don't understand my life or the way that things have been goin for me that past few months. go ahead whoever my editor is and tell them that i don't turn in my work or that i half ass it. i don't care nemore.
and u know what life? what else r u goin to throw at me. u've taken away my family, my friends, my bf, my good grades, my job as an editor and what i spend my time on. what else is there for u to take? u want my virginity? fine, i'll fuck someone tomorrow for all i care right now. u want my dignity? i think u know u've already taken that from me. and based on my action the other night, it's clear u've already taken my body and my self control away from me. fuck this shit. i'm out...