(no subject)
I am not really sure why I decided to begin posting on this again. Partly, I think, is because I missed out on Angelo's posts last semester in Chile because I was boycotting internet sources of gossip. But, since I recently began using aol again during my free time after class in the lab, I figured I may as well use Livejournal. But the other reason I started to use livejournal is for the rather immature reason of trying to find out what is going on in someone's life without actually having to talk to that person.
He knows who he is and I assume most people who read this know as well. My not wanting to talk to him has nothing to do with my lack of desire to hear his voice or tell him about my day, but simply because it is a fruitless task that involves: not being called back, being heard but ignored, the constant feeling that he wishes I would never talk to him again, and the consistent mentionings of past events that bear no weight on who I am as a person now. Now I understand why he thinks he hates me, but in reality he never wants to listen to my side of any story because he thinks that I am always going to lie to him, even though I really have no reason to lie to him now considering he is not a boyfriend, or anything of the like. I fully acknoweldge that I have done stupid things in the past that have hurt him, but he has done the same thing to me. Maybe I need a real journal with a paper and pen to write down rants like this, but now seems appropriate since I am on drugs that promote constant activity dealing with words or tasks.
At any rate, he has been on my mind a lot lately and the whole situation is rather sad and confusing/complicated. How are you supposed to get on with your life when one of the most important people to you keeps you at an uncomfortable distance and makes sure to remind you everytime you do get close that you ruined any chance of being comfortable again?
He knows who he is and I assume most people who read this know as well. My not wanting to talk to him has nothing to do with my lack of desire to hear his voice or tell him about my day, but simply because it is a fruitless task that involves: not being called back, being heard but ignored, the constant feeling that he wishes I would never talk to him again, and the consistent mentionings of past events that bear no weight on who I am as a person now. Now I understand why he thinks he hates me, but in reality he never wants to listen to my side of any story because he thinks that I am always going to lie to him, even though I really have no reason to lie to him now considering he is not a boyfriend, or anything of the like. I fully acknoweldge that I have done stupid things in the past that have hurt him, but he has done the same thing to me. Maybe I need a real journal with a paper and pen to write down rants like this, but now seems appropriate since I am on drugs that promote constant activity dealing with words or tasks.
At any rate, he has been on my mind a lot lately and the whole situation is rather sad and confusing/complicated. How are you supposed to get on with your life when one of the most important people to you keeps you at an uncomfortable distance and makes sure to remind you everytime you do get close that you ruined any chance of being comfortable again?