Dark Days
If you know me really well and don't want to read about really horrible things i suggest you stop reading because i don't want any of my close friends feeling bad because of me.
Basically i need to write these things otherwise i'll explode and go under and it might be a side of me you've never seen before.
What i'm doing right now is admitting to myself that i'm not superwoman. That it doesn't make me weak to turn to friends for help. It's not something i enjoy doing 'cos i hate to put myself first like this. I feel weak and powerless.
I'll try to explain.
Yesterday i woke up and i was fine, had nothing too much bothering me. I got into an argument with a friend. Issues that i thought i had put to bed were mentioned. That was pretty much the trigger, after that everything came collapsing on top of me at once.
Things that half of my friends have not got a clue about. I won't go into detail but here's the summary. Miscarriage, my fertility in the future, abuse in a physical way, past demons i so thought i had under control, evaluation, bleakness. It's a dark place where my head's at trust me.
To be honest i feel so cheated that i am still only 19. No girl my age should have these thoughts. I wish i could worrie about what clothes to buy next and your typical things but yet here i am mourning for past life for the first time, putting the blame on myself. Looking back at the past 2 months and it all finally hitting me.
I'm crying for the first time for things i went through at 15, things i swept under the carpet and refused to let enter my mind.
I'm not over it, i'm not over things that have just happened.
I'm lieing to myself, convincing everyone that i'm happy, that i'm still the same old Laura, not a problem in the world.
It's not true. I feel i'm freaking out so many of my friends for looking for help because they're going to feel alienated maybe, shocked and won't know what to say.
I can't turn to Mark for everything because he caused one of the problems and it's impossible for him to help me with that.
Yet i'm still sat here, playing really happy songs to try and change my mind set. Trying to sweep it all under the carpet again.
I don't know what to do and i don't know who can help me on such a big level that i'm looking for.
I've thought about counsilling and i have my own reasons for not wanting to go down that path no matter how much people say i need it.
I want to go back knowing all i do now so i can put things right and spare my head and my heart all this hurt.
Again i'm sorry to whoever read this.
Don't think i'm some completley different person than i was before now.
It's just a side you've not met.
Basically i need to write these things otherwise i'll explode and go under and it might be a side of me you've never seen before.
What i'm doing right now is admitting to myself that i'm not superwoman. That it doesn't make me weak to turn to friends for help. It's not something i enjoy doing 'cos i hate to put myself first like this. I feel weak and powerless.
I'll try to explain.
Yesterday i woke up and i was fine, had nothing too much bothering me. I got into an argument with a friend. Issues that i thought i had put to bed were mentioned. That was pretty much the trigger, after that everything came collapsing on top of me at once.
Things that half of my friends have not got a clue about. I won't go into detail but here's the summary. Miscarriage, my fertility in the future, abuse in a physical way, past demons i so thought i had under control, evaluation, bleakness. It's a dark place where my head's at trust me.
To be honest i feel so cheated that i am still only 19. No girl my age should have these thoughts. I wish i could worrie about what clothes to buy next and your typical things but yet here i am mourning for past life for the first time, putting the blame on myself. Looking back at the past 2 months and it all finally hitting me.
I'm crying for the first time for things i went through at 15, things i swept under the carpet and refused to let enter my mind.
I'm not over it, i'm not over things that have just happened.
I'm lieing to myself, convincing everyone that i'm happy, that i'm still the same old Laura, not a problem in the world.
It's not true. I feel i'm freaking out so many of my friends for looking for help because they're going to feel alienated maybe, shocked and won't know what to say.
I can't turn to Mark for everything because he caused one of the problems and it's impossible for him to help me with that.
Yet i'm still sat here, playing really happy songs to try and change my mind set. Trying to sweep it all under the carpet again.
I don't know what to do and i don't know who can help me on such a big level that i'm looking for.
I've thought about counsilling and i have my own reasons for not wanting to go down that path no matter how much people say i need it.
I want to go back knowing all i do now so i can put things right and spare my head and my heart all this hurt.
Again i'm sorry to whoever read this.
Don't think i'm some completley different person than i was before now.
It's just a side you've not met.