Dreams of Yesterday
Did you ever think to yourself maybe its our goal in life to live vicariously through others. I would rather see friends or strangers or onscreen movie stars take the plunge in love and life than risk the heartbreak myself. I have no trouble with committment, the trouble rests in the disbelief that I am capable of achieving anything worth committing to. Maybe we were meant to second guess ourselves in preparation for the real deal, the moment that comes along and changes us forever. Or maybe, due to constant fear and questioning that moment has already arrived and we have let it pass us by in a camoflauged mask of nothingness. Either way I would like to ask God or whatever higher power exists out there, why things have to be so complicated. Someone tell me why, for one f*cking time in my life, I can't experience unbridled love, joy, happiness, and togetherness like in the movies. Why doesn't the cute boy I loved forever wait outside my window in the rain, or come running after me when I turn in fear. Why not? I know I am not Kirsten Dunst, Mandi Moore, or the like, but do I not deserve what they so graciously accept in the movies? I guess its about real feelings and feeling real. I feel real but sometimes I questions if I use my head or my real feelings. Enough philosophizing for today.
Yesterday had lunch with Angela, good times. She is a very intelligent person that's why I like hanging out with her. I think most people our age have yet to reach a certain level of communication compatability , they would rather gossip than talk about real issues. I mean im not a hardass , goosiping is fun too, but did you ever just want to be able to talk about stuff and mean what you say and not be constantly self-monitoring. Thats why I like being her friend, she doesn't care about who I am friends with or what I do, its just someone to talk to and help me with my constant relationship defaults. Thanks Ange!!!
Last night I went into the hospital - AGAIN. But this time it was because my feet swelled up so big I couldn't walk on them because of the goddamn sunburn. I wanted to go to the ER to make sure it wasn't problems or complications with the drugs I am on. The ER doc was hot and had some foreign accent, loved it. Anyways they gave me morphine for the pain and steroids to shrink the swelling, then did blood tests and send me on my way with a perscription for heavy duty pain killers :) So I am currently high...
Tonight, I have to stay off my feet (doctors orders and preparation for dirnking my face off saturday) so if anyone out there wants to spend a quiet evening with moi and a movie that makes you think and maybe some low fat popcorn (sorry girls thats all I have) than give me a call. Jesser and Jenn are going to Notebook, so despite the doc's orders I may try to hit it up because Angela said it was amazing, better be right :P
Congrats on turning 19 Josh (Dawson) guess we can't crawl through eachothers windows anymore haha or just use the front door without knocking.