(no subject)
I have a lot on my mind. I lot I can't express because I find myself to be crazy. A lot of it I just don't want people to know. It's pathetic.
I'm so fucking lazy... To the point where I just sit around waiting for something to happen instead of getting up and doing something for myself. But when I find myself bored I also find myself realizing that I don't want to do anything or see anyone. I need to find something to do when I'm bored like this. I think maybe I should be working out. Stretch a little. Do something I know would be good for me. It'll help out my back, which will help out my headaches...
It's being back in Sacramento that has brought on this strange feeling of self hate and everything else. It's like life got so amazing when I was on tour and when I got home I went straight back to how I was before. I didn't want to go back to the person I was. The person I became, though was really me. I really felt like myself on tour. When I came home and I was still that person I was on tour people kept telling me I was acting weird. I didn't know I acted so differently between the two groups of friends. It sucks. So I had to adjust back into my old life and I'm not going to lie.. It was really hard... I didn't like it at all. Now I feel miserable almost all the time. Why is it so hard to be the person I was? I'm back to sitting around doing nothing. I was so much happier when I had 9 hours of rehearsal. BECAUSE I WAS ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING WITH MY LIFE! It's the same thing every day. But I was with people who were doing the same thing and supported me. We all pushed each other to do our best. Family. That's what we are. And maybe that's why I'm unhappy. I'm not around people like that as much. Don't get me wrong, I love living with the boys. I just don't do the same things as them all the time. It's just a completely different relationship than Mandarins... It's hard to get used to... It's hard to turn the switch on and off.
I don't even know who I am yet...
I'm so fucking lazy... To the point where I just sit around waiting for something to happen instead of getting up and doing something for myself. But when I find myself bored I also find myself realizing that I don't want to do anything or see anyone. I need to find something to do when I'm bored like this. I think maybe I should be working out. Stretch a little. Do something I know would be good for me. It'll help out my back, which will help out my headaches...
It's being back in Sacramento that has brought on this strange feeling of self hate and everything else. It's like life got so amazing when I was on tour and when I got home I went straight back to how I was before. I didn't want to go back to the person I was. The person I became, though was really me. I really felt like myself on tour. When I came home and I was still that person I was on tour people kept telling me I was acting weird. I didn't know I acted so differently between the two groups of friends. It sucks. So I had to adjust back into my old life and I'm not going to lie.. It was really hard... I didn't like it at all. Now I feel miserable almost all the time. Why is it so hard to be the person I was? I'm back to sitting around doing nothing. I was so much happier when I had 9 hours of rehearsal. BECAUSE I WAS ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING WITH MY LIFE! It's the same thing every day. But I was with people who were doing the same thing and supported me. We all pushed each other to do our best. Family. That's what we are. And maybe that's why I'm unhappy. I'm not around people like that as much. Don't get me wrong, I love living with the boys. I just don't do the same things as them all the time. It's just a completely different relationship than Mandarins... It's hard to get used to... It's hard to turn the switch on and off.
I don't even know who I am yet...