Not good news
Well, my mom died yesterday after a hard-fought battle with cancer. It had been getting worse lately. She hadn't been eating and she was in a lot of pain. I was there with her. I watched her die. It was an odd and scary thing. I'm sad becuase she was only 50. I'm sad becuase she won't see my brother graduate with his undergrad this year. I'm sad becuase she won't be there to help me with my wedding one day. She never got to hear that the results of my tests for ovarian cancer came back negitive. She will miss me choosing a collage for my grad work. I know she will always be with me but this is hard and I'm not sure what to do or how to feel. I've been all sorts of numb which is good becuase I can function in that. I've planed most of the funeral, trying to give my poor dad a break.
I am glad that she is no longer in pain. I am glad that her suffering is over. I am glad, selfishly, that I won't have to be a caregiver at 23 anymore. Though I would gladly give up the best years of my life to take care of her if she had lived. Maybe God is giving me a break as well as her.
I'm glad I was there even though I wasn't sure I was going to be strong enough. I'm glad my brother wasn't but that he talked to her while I held the phone to her ear. He didn't need to see and heard what I did.
I don't know how to act. It doesn't feel real. I don't want pity becuase I've never done well with that. I just feel that people ought to know. Everyone should get the cancer tests that they need to. Just do it, I know they sometimes hurt and they're always scary but do it.
I don't think I'm a terribly brave person or a terribly strong one. I'm afread I'm gonna fall apart in front of everyone at the funeral. I know that's considered ok but I don't like the idea of it.
I have learned one thing from this. I saw how my dad was during it all. I know how a relationship should be. I have seen how a marriage should work. I saw him visit her every day and help take care of her from Feb 6th till yesterday when she left us. I know how a real man should act and I know that I will never settle for anything less now. It was a wonderful gift for me to see with all these other people breaking it off. I saw such love. They were so lucky to have loved each other that way.
So F-list don't settle when it comes to love. Get your tests. Hold the people you want to hold. Live life fully, whatever that means to you.
I am glad that she is no longer in pain. I am glad that her suffering is over. I am glad, selfishly, that I won't have to be a caregiver at 23 anymore. Though I would gladly give up the best years of my life to take care of her if she had lived. Maybe God is giving me a break as well as her.
I'm glad I was there even though I wasn't sure I was going to be strong enough. I'm glad my brother wasn't but that he talked to her while I held the phone to her ear. He didn't need to see and heard what I did.
I don't know how to act. It doesn't feel real. I don't want pity becuase I've never done well with that. I just feel that people ought to know. Everyone should get the cancer tests that they need to. Just do it, I know they sometimes hurt and they're always scary but do it.
I don't think I'm a terribly brave person or a terribly strong one. I'm afread I'm gonna fall apart in front of everyone at the funeral. I know that's considered ok but I don't like the idea of it.
I have learned one thing from this. I saw how my dad was during it all. I know how a relationship should be. I have seen how a marriage should work. I saw him visit her every day and help take care of her from Feb 6th till yesterday when she left us. I know how a real man should act and I know that I will never settle for anything less now. It was a wonderful gift for me to see with all these other people breaking it off. I saw such love. They were so lucky to have loved each other that way.
So F-list don't settle when it comes to love. Get your tests. Hold the people you want to hold. Live life fully, whatever that means to you.