Fic: Solace (CM)
Title: Solace
Rating: PG 13 (For mentions of abuse and a couple of bad words)
Pairing: Reid/Morgan
Spoilers/Warnings: No spoilers,but it mentions Morgan past .
Notes: Yesterday, as I was watching Profiler Profiled, I realized that even though Reid and Morgan have no scenes together ,it feels like a very slashy ep. And it inspired me to write this piece. No spoilers as it take place a couple of years after .And really it has very little to do with the episode. A little angsty .
Not betaed, so all mistakes are mine.
Comments and concrit are highly appreciatted
Despite what those strange cutter kids at school believe (or maybe want to believe) there is no way to focus on physical pain in order to distract from emotional pain. They overlap each other. And if there is a way, Derek has no idea how to do it.
So here he is, trapped in the dual torture of his body being broken at the same pace as his soul. And there’s nothing he can do to stop it.
You can say no
Except he can’t, because there is so much he can loose, because he’s too weak, because there’s hundred of ways in which his life could go to hell if he dare to say no. That’s why long ago he made the decision to shut up and take it, he only expects that someday he will be man enough, strong enough to get away from this without making a mess of his or anybody else’s life.
Meanwhile, this is it, no way out. So he clenches his fists, grits his teeth and shuts his eyes as tight as he can, trying to hold back the tears.
**
Derek wakes up abruptly and sits on the bed, shaken hands reaching his face while his head stays with the odd memory. He hadn’t had that dream in a long time. And he doesn’t believe in dream analysis, but he knows that stressful situations can trigger restless sleep.
He looks down to the body curled next to him and sighs. Yes, this can perfectly fit in the stressful category.
His mind whimsically wanders back to the dream and he closes his eyes as he tries to chase away the images of that traumatizing part of his youth he’s been fighting all his life to leave behind.
Most of the time, Derek is not the kind of person who believe that in order to move on in life is necessary to deny parts of it. He’s at peace with everything that has ever happened to him, except this. Derek has been trying to bury that part of himself since he was eighteen and left his place to go to college.
Back then, he thought he could leave the ghosts at home and start from scratch, clean, without feeling like he was in debt and had to sacrifice pieces of himself to make the payments.
He was so desperate to forget, to stop feeling dirty, that he made every effort to erase the memory of his hands staining his skin and breaking his spirit. He made sure to demonstrate that Derek Morgan was not an abused boy. He’d vowed that that kid was gone, that he was a healthy, manly, normal man. He made his mission to seduce and fuck as many girls as possible, developing a charming and irresistible personality only to prove himself that he was over the past.
And mostly, it worked. He managed to build the life he always aspired to. He got the job he always dreamt about, working with people he admired, saving lives, getting respect. That was fine for him, that stability was compensation enough for the lack of emotional connection. It was the ideal situation for him because as unfulfilling as his uncountable one night stands were, they didn’t expect any kind of attachment back. He always made sure that every woman that ended in his bed was clear about the situation.
So, he had his life in order professionally and emotionally, with his skeletons well hidden in his closet and without complicated feelings getting in his way.
Until the day he met Spencer Reid.
That day all the walls he built to shield himself began to fall.
He tried to deceive himself at first, thinking that his interest in the kid was purely friendly, that his almost compulsive need to protect him was only triggered by Reid’s proclivity to put himself in danger. He struggled with his feelings, because to admit them would mean to admit a part of himself that he thought he had buried years ago. That part that Carl Buford turned into something dirty. He liked girls, because the other option meant pain and shame. He ruled his life by that fact for fifteen years.
It got harder every day, because Spencer managed to get deep under his skin. But he fought the feelings with all the strength he could gather trying to be the friend he knew Reid needed him to be. Sometimes it was damn difficult, because sometimes, when Derek looked at Reid’s eyes, what he saw there scared the hell out of him. He could see emotions that seemed frightfully similar to his own. But he knew that no matter how much he was longing, he could never act on those feelings. He could never ask Reid to help him fight his demons when he knew Spencer had enough demons of his own to cope with.
Derek kept telling himself that acting this way he was not only protecting himself from suffering, but Reid as well. Maybe it was cowardice, but at least it kept him sane.
He managed to make this work for both of them; everything was mostly okay .Until last night, when all the rational reasons were swept away by the passion that burned them.
Derek wishes he could blame it on the external facts. But there was no alcohol, or hard case or any of the usual factors that could have mislead them to what happened.
He sighs as he looks at the sleeping form next to him, and all the memories of the night fill him. He close his eyes, and everything comes back, hands caressing skin, sweat slick bodies rocking against each other, words like please, harder, faster and more. He can still feel Reid’s lips kissing him all over. He can still feel Reid, beside him, under him, inside him.
Suddenly, it strikes him that for the first time the touch of another man didn’t mean pain or humiliation. He didn’t feel violated. He felt possessed, but in a wonderful way. And he realizes that no matter how much he has accomplish in life or how many years Carl has been in jail, is just now that he begins to heal, all thanks to the man that showed him with his body that it was okay to want .
But Derek needs more. He wants a life, he wants to wake up every morning with Spencer, and go to him after a hard day. Although, the pessimist in him can’t help but think that maybe for Reid this didn’t mean the same that it did to him, that maybe for him was only about sex. The pessimist that keep wondering if all these years of emotional detachment will make it impossible for him to pursue a real relationship.
He looks at the man in his bed, and catches a couple of big brown eyes staring at him.
Spencer looks nervous, like he can tell he’s been thinking hard the last minutes, and is afraid of the outcome. He grabs the comforter and tries to cover himself. Derek can’t keep his eyes from Reid's scared ones, the messy hair and the pale skin that almost glows in the dim light. He thinks it’s almost breathtaking, and he is willing to leave his fears behind to have the chance of being greeted by that sight every day.
Reid sits and tries to keep his hair away from his face.
“Maybe I should leave” and he looks so lost, that Derek can’t help but touch his cheek, softly, almost feather like.
“Please stay” he says and he yields to the temptation that is Spencer’s mouth. Is soft, and is sweet, and as his pretty boy starts to kiss back, Derek understands that the ghosts are long gone. Now all he has to do is to let himself live again.
Rating: PG 13 (For mentions of abuse and a couple of bad words)
Pairing: Reid/Morgan
Spoilers/Warnings: No spoilers,but it mentions Morgan past .
Notes: Yesterday, as I was watching Profiler Profiled, I realized that even though Reid and Morgan have no scenes together ,it feels like a very slashy ep. And it inspired me to write this piece. No spoilers as it take place a couple of years after .And really it has very little to do with the episode. A little angsty .
Not betaed, so all mistakes are mine.
Comments and concrit are highly appreciatted
Despite what those strange cutter kids at school believe (or maybe want to believe) there is no way to focus on physical pain in order to distract from emotional pain. They overlap each other. And if there is a way, Derek has no idea how to do it.
So here he is, trapped in the dual torture of his body being broken at the same pace as his soul. And there’s nothing he can do to stop it.
You can say no
Except he can’t, because there is so much he can loose, because he’s too weak, because there’s hundred of ways in which his life could go to hell if he dare to say no. That’s why long ago he made the decision to shut up and take it, he only expects that someday he will be man enough, strong enough to get away from this without making a mess of his or anybody else’s life.
Meanwhile, this is it, no way out. So he clenches his fists, grits his teeth and shuts his eyes as tight as he can, trying to hold back the tears.
**
Derek wakes up abruptly and sits on the bed, shaken hands reaching his face while his head stays with the odd memory. He hadn’t had that dream in a long time. And he doesn’t believe in dream analysis, but he knows that stressful situations can trigger restless sleep.
He looks down to the body curled next to him and sighs. Yes, this can perfectly fit in the stressful category.
His mind whimsically wanders back to the dream and he closes his eyes as he tries to chase away the images of that traumatizing part of his youth he’s been fighting all his life to leave behind.
Most of the time, Derek is not the kind of person who believe that in order to move on in life is necessary to deny parts of it. He’s at peace with everything that has ever happened to him, except this. Derek has been trying to bury that part of himself since he was eighteen and left his place to go to college.
Back then, he thought he could leave the ghosts at home and start from scratch, clean, without feeling like he was in debt and had to sacrifice pieces of himself to make the payments.
He was so desperate to forget, to stop feeling dirty, that he made every effort to erase the memory of his hands staining his skin and breaking his spirit. He made sure to demonstrate that Derek Morgan was not an abused boy. He’d vowed that that kid was gone, that he was a healthy, manly, normal man. He made his mission to seduce and fuck as many girls as possible, developing a charming and irresistible personality only to prove himself that he was over the past.
And mostly, it worked. He managed to build the life he always aspired to. He got the job he always dreamt about, working with people he admired, saving lives, getting respect. That was fine for him, that stability was compensation enough for the lack of emotional connection. It was the ideal situation for him because as unfulfilling as his uncountable one night stands were, they didn’t expect any kind of attachment back. He always made sure that every woman that ended in his bed was clear about the situation.
So, he had his life in order professionally and emotionally, with his skeletons well hidden in his closet and without complicated feelings getting in his way.
Until the day he met Spencer Reid.
That day all the walls he built to shield himself began to fall.
He tried to deceive himself at first, thinking that his interest in the kid was purely friendly, that his almost compulsive need to protect him was only triggered by Reid’s proclivity to put himself in danger. He struggled with his feelings, because to admit them would mean to admit a part of himself that he thought he had buried years ago. That part that Carl Buford turned into something dirty. He liked girls, because the other option meant pain and shame. He ruled his life by that fact for fifteen years.
It got harder every day, because Spencer managed to get deep under his skin. But he fought the feelings with all the strength he could gather trying to be the friend he knew Reid needed him to be. Sometimes it was damn difficult, because sometimes, when Derek looked at Reid’s eyes, what he saw there scared the hell out of him. He could see emotions that seemed frightfully similar to his own. But he knew that no matter how much he was longing, he could never act on those feelings. He could never ask Reid to help him fight his demons when he knew Spencer had enough demons of his own to cope with.
Derek kept telling himself that acting this way he was not only protecting himself from suffering, but Reid as well. Maybe it was cowardice, but at least it kept him sane.
He managed to make this work for both of them; everything was mostly okay .Until last night, when all the rational reasons were swept away by the passion that burned them.
Derek wishes he could blame it on the external facts. But there was no alcohol, or hard case or any of the usual factors that could have mislead them to what happened.
He sighs as he looks at the sleeping form next to him, and all the memories of the night fill him. He close his eyes, and everything comes back, hands caressing skin, sweat slick bodies rocking against each other, words like please, harder, faster and more. He can still feel Reid’s lips kissing him all over. He can still feel Reid, beside him, under him, inside him.
Suddenly, it strikes him that for the first time the touch of another man didn’t mean pain or humiliation. He didn’t feel violated. He felt possessed, but in a wonderful way. And he realizes that no matter how much he has accomplish in life or how many years Carl has been in jail, is just now that he begins to heal, all thanks to the man that showed him with his body that it was okay to want .
But Derek needs more. He wants a life, he wants to wake up every morning with Spencer, and go to him after a hard day. Although, the pessimist in him can’t help but think that maybe for Reid this didn’t mean the same that it did to him, that maybe for him was only about sex. The pessimist that keep wondering if all these years of emotional detachment will make it impossible for him to pursue a real relationship.
He looks at the man in his bed, and catches a couple of big brown eyes staring at him.
Spencer looks nervous, like he can tell he’s been thinking hard the last minutes, and is afraid of the outcome. He grabs the comforter and tries to cover himself. Derek can’t keep his eyes from Reid's scared ones, the messy hair and the pale skin that almost glows in the dim light. He thinks it’s almost breathtaking, and he is willing to leave his fears behind to have the chance of being greeted by that sight every day.
Reid sits and tries to keep his hair away from his face.
“Maybe I should leave” and he looks so lost, that Derek can’t help but touch his cheek, softly, almost feather like.
“Please stay” he says and he yields to the temptation that is Spencer’s mouth. Is soft, and is sweet, and as his pretty boy starts to kiss back, Derek understands that the ghosts are long gone. Now all he has to do is to let himself live again.