So not okay ever
When I finally see my chance to log in today it's because my husband is sick with the flu and in bed and unable to check up on me. Will delete cookies and paths or whatitscalled later :/
I'm doing better, I think. Except that I haven't recieved my paycheck for last month or this yet, dammit.
But I'm eating. I guess people consider that good.
I don't really see why it's good. Why people think I'm doing good.
I hate everything I put in my mouth.
I hate knowing that being unable to control or purge the horrible amounts of calories I stuff my face with makes me gain, makes my stomach bloated, makes me feel horrible fat.
In therapy we talk about my relationship to food and why I still, after loosing more than 80 lbs during the last 1½ year, feel fat and horrible as before. But I cannot really see any logic in not feeling fat and horrible, when I know where I'm headed with all this f***ing EATING! I'm so sick of eating, and at the same time all I want to do is eat food, glorious food!
Last night I ate a shitload of fried noodles with veggies that I made for the sick husband and garlicbread, argh, at least my homemade recipies, but still, so much food! I think a full dinner of maybe 1100 cals, and earlier I had had at least 700 of the kind at work. This is me everyday, sometimes I add cookies or candy to this bingefest too.
I'm so afraid that therapy will finally make me realize that eating and gaining is okay? I reached the dreaded number of 165 lbs last week, now I'm at least down to 162 again, but still, it's so much. I cannot feel good about it ever!