On letting go
For a long while after the Brent thing happened, I didn't know if I was ever gonna get over him. I was so completely infatuated with him. So completely taken by this older man. I would say I don't know what it was about him that made me throw everything away, but that would be a lie. I know exactly what it was about him that made me forget my integrity. Sure I only saw him a handful of times but it was enough. So when all of that went away I spent the new few years wondering how my life would have been different if I never met or if I had chosen him instead. Everything would have been different. I would have been different. I thought about him all the time. Every day he was on my mind. It seemed like he would never get out. But eventually, the things surrounding him stopped being so consuming and I let go all the things about him. I don't think of him anymore...not really. I do think he was the one who got away though. If I could turn back time, that would be the thing I would change. I would have chosen him.
I'm going through the same thing again but with Green Eyes. He has been so invasive in my thoughts. I thought for a brief period he and I were gonna have a relationship. Perhaps it wasn't gonna be the real "boyfriend-girlfriend" thing, but I thought it was gonna last longer than it did. Regardless, he has had a big impact in my life, more so than the other two white boys from this year, and Green Eyes has become the standard in which I measure all the boys now. With his popping up into my life every so often, it has been hard to get over him. I have to reset every time he does. All the stupid shit he pulled on me comes rushing back and then I have to forget it when he drops out of my life a few weeks later.
But it has been almost three months since I've talked to him though and I've detached from that stuff more now. I've let go of a lot of things. I know eventually one day Green Eyes will just be another chapter in my life, much like Brent has become, and I'll get over him completely. If I could let the Brent things go I can let the Green Eyes things go. Green eyes aren't all they're cracked up to be anyway.
I was hanging out with my college buddy earlier in the evening. He was complaining about how immature his girlfriend is. She is about 3 years younger than us and she still pulls the bratty things. He said he knows she acts the way she does cuz she's young and she will eventually mellow out. I agreed with him, saying I started to mellow out around 23 too. He looks at me and says, "Um, what? Did you forget the fuck phase you went through earlier this year?" Haha. I said, "Oh yeahhhhh. I forgot I slept with some dudes earlier this year." Haha. Well, I'm over the fucking phase, for now at least. After doing all that stuff earlier this year, I'm definitely ready to take a break from the boy stuff.
A few weeks ago I went out with Jaymee to Hopscotch. I got pretty wasted that night. Last weekend, Crystallis asks me if I want to hear a story. I said sure. She says, "Drew told me you tried to give him your number. But when he looked at the paper later that night, he saw you wrote down like 15 digits. He said you were really drunk." I was dumbfounded. I have absolutely no recollection of writing down my number for Drew the cute bartender. I went over to Hopscotch later that night and Drew asks, "So, have you heard any interesting stories lately?" Haha. Crap. I must have been a lot more wasted than I thought.
All in all, things have been good in my life. I got an A in my summer class and nursing school starts back up in about 3 weeks. I like where I am in life. I'm working on my career stuff. I'm being patient with God on the boy stuff. And I'm getting over Green Eyes. I know once I let go of all the stuff in the past with him I will be able to fully move on. I'm so happy with my life. What a crazy year it has been.
I'm going through the same thing again but with Green Eyes. He has been so invasive in my thoughts. I thought for a brief period he and I were gonna have a relationship. Perhaps it wasn't gonna be the real "boyfriend-girlfriend" thing, but I thought it was gonna last longer than it did. Regardless, he has had a big impact in my life, more so than the other two white boys from this year, and Green Eyes has become the standard in which I measure all the boys now. With his popping up into my life every so often, it has been hard to get over him. I have to reset every time he does. All the stupid shit he pulled on me comes rushing back and then I have to forget it when he drops out of my life a few weeks later.
But it has been almost three months since I've talked to him though and I've detached from that stuff more now. I've let go of a lot of things. I know eventually one day Green Eyes will just be another chapter in my life, much like Brent has become, and I'll get over him completely. If I could let the Brent things go I can let the Green Eyes things go. Green eyes aren't all they're cracked up to be anyway.
I was hanging out with my college buddy earlier in the evening. He was complaining about how immature his girlfriend is. She is about 3 years younger than us and she still pulls the bratty things. He said he knows she acts the way she does cuz she's young and she will eventually mellow out. I agreed with him, saying I started to mellow out around 23 too. He looks at me and says, "Um, what? Did you forget the fuck phase you went through earlier this year?" Haha. I said, "Oh yeahhhhh. I forgot I slept with some dudes earlier this year." Haha. Well, I'm over the fucking phase, for now at least. After doing all that stuff earlier this year, I'm definitely ready to take a break from the boy stuff.
A few weeks ago I went out with Jaymee to Hopscotch. I got pretty wasted that night. Last weekend, Crystallis asks me if I want to hear a story. I said sure. She says, "Drew told me you tried to give him your number. But when he looked at the paper later that night, he saw you wrote down like 15 digits. He said you were really drunk." I was dumbfounded. I have absolutely no recollection of writing down my number for Drew the cute bartender. I went over to Hopscotch later that night and Drew asks, "So, have you heard any interesting stories lately?" Haha. Crap. I must have been a lot more wasted than I thought.
All in all, things have been good in my life. I got an A in my summer class and nursing school starts back up in about 3 weeks. I like where I am in life. I'm working on my career stuff. I'm being patient with God on the boy stuff. And I'm getting over Green Eyes. I know once I let go of all the stuff in the past with him I will be able to fully move on. I'm so happy with my life. What a crazy year it has been.