Is it possible that there was nothing wrong with me?
So, I finally confronted one of my bullies from middle school via Facebook. I asked why I was such a target. She said that I wasn't a specific target and that everyone gets picked on in middle school, even her.
I was picked on constantly for the first fourteen years of my life. I always thought that there was a reason that I was teased, in particular. For years I thought there was something seriously wrong with me that only other people could see. This is the first time I actually accepted "kids are cruel" as a valid reason.
I've spent years trying to figure out and "fix" what was wrong. Now I'm figuring out that there was possibly nothing wrong at all.
Unfortunately, I do have something wrong with me now as an effect of all this. I've developed a bit of social anxiety. Especially when it comes to a classroom setting. I always feel that everyone is looking at me as if I were a freak. The preconceived notion of being judged for a reason I don't know is unbearable!
Outside of that, it's good to know that I'm not a "freak". It gives me freedom to be completely myself. That freedom is both relieving and terrifying! I'm so used to trying desperately to conform and fit in that I don't know how to do anything else.
So, what now?
I was picked on constantly for the first fourteen years of my life. I always thought that there was a reason that I was teased, in particular. For years I thought there was something seriously wrong with me that only other people could see. This is the first time I actually accepted "kids are cruel" as a valid reason.
I've spent years trying to figure out and "fix" what was wrong. Now I'm figuring out that there was possibly nothing wrong at all.
Unfortunately, I do have something wrong with me now as an effect of all this. I've developed a bit of social anxiety. Especially when it comes to a classroom setting. I always feel that everyone is looking at me as if I were a freak. The preconceived notion of being judged for a reason I don't know is unbearable!
Outside of that, it's good to know that I'm not a "freak". It gives me freedom to be completely myself. That freedom is both relieving and terrifying! I'm so used to trying desperately to conform and fit in that I don't know how to do anything else.
So, what now?