New Tactics
So the girlfriend and I are having some trouble. She says she still loves me, still wants to be with me, doesn't want to date other people. She just doesn't want me to live with her anymore. Also, I caught her texting some girl for whom she has a "mild attraction" but there's apparently nothing going on. More on that later, but FYI, I'm now hyper-paranoid, and I can't think about it for too long.
The other night, I slept at a friend's house. She told me when I came back that she missed me. The rest of that night, I did my best to keep some distance. Today, we had a little spat (she was considering going out late tonight, which means something I'm truly FUCKING TIRED OF DOING - spending yet another night at home waiting for her, and meaning that I get to take sleeping pills), and instead of trying to do damage control, I said whatever and made an excuse to get off the phone. I made it clear that I was unhappy, but I also made sure she understood that I a.) wasn't going to argue about it, and b.) wasn't going to try and stop her. Tomorrow, I'm not going to call her at all, which is very out-of-character of me. Normally, and I think this is a large source of our trouble, I'm pulling my hair out trying to talk to her, trying to talk to her for just one more minute, and throwing a fit when I can't talk to her. I'm tired of giving up all the control.
There's only one thing left to do. Take it back.
So, I guess this is my New Year's resolution: be more distant, be more aloof, be cooler, calmer, and more collected. Cold, hard, shiny plastic. Take care of my needs first. These needs include finding my own apartment relatively soon, and getting on with school. I'm putting this in writing not to elicit any responses, but to solidify my resolve, and to have something to refer back to when I'm weak. None of this is healthy for either of us, but more specifically, it is not healthy for me. I'm behaving childishly, and I'm not getting what I want from this relationship, which leaves two options: I can either change my behavior, and see if conditions improve. This will require more independence on my part, which leaves me with back-up options in case things fail to improve (albeit, not very good options, but certainly better than moving back in with the 'rents). Or, I can continue banging my head against a brick wall.
I'm not doing this anymore.
The other night, I slept at a friend's house. She told me when I came back that she missed me. The rest of that night, I did my best to keep some distance. Today, we had a little spat (she was considering going out late tonight, which means something I'm truly FUCKING TIRED OF DOING - spending yet another night at home waiting for her, and meaning that I get to take sleeping pills), and instead of trying to do damage control, I said whatever and made an excuse to get off the phone. I made it clear that I was unhappy, but I also made sure she understood that I a.) wasn't going to argue about it, and b.) wasn't going to try and stop her. Tomorrow, I'm not going to call her at all, which is very out-of-character of me. Normally, and I think this is a large source of our trouble, I'm pulling my hair out trying to talk to her, trying to talk to her for just one more minute, and throwing a fit when I can't talk to her. I'm tired of giving up all the control.
There's only one thing left to do. Take it back.
So, I guess this is my New Year's resolution: be more distant, be more aloof, be cooler, calmer, and more collected. Cold, hard, shiny plastic. Take care of my needs first. These needs include finding my own apartment relatively soon, and getting on with school. I'm putting this in writing not to elicit any responses, but to solidify my resolve, and to have something to refer back to when I'm weak. None of this is healthy for either of us, but more specifically, it is not healthy for me. I'm behaving childishly, and I'm not getting what I want from this relationship, which leaves two options: I can either change my behavior, and see if conditions improve. This will require more independence on my part, which leaves me with back-up options in case things fail to improve (albeit, not very good options, but certainly better than moving back in with the 'rents). Or, I can continue banging my head against a brick wall.
I'm not doing this anymore.