I wish....I could live free
I wish none of this happened....that my boyfriend hadn't gone out that night.
I wish that my family would have a nice christmas....and that I had a Job to get them something.
I wish I had someone to talk to....to trust...and to have someone to be there for and expect the same in return.
but...now a days....its hard to come by a really good friend.
A nice christmas evening with your family.
and My boyfriend staying out of jail for once.
I feel like such a loser. Like I dont deserve any of that....or I do, but I'm not putting any effort to make it happen. I feel so...trapped...lost...and so under control. If I wanted, I could go out an party whenever! Meet new people, and have friends to call and talk to and hang out like almost everyday. But, I dont. I dont do it, because I dont want to...I dont want to get hurt or hurt anyone else by my reckless actions. I know the way I am...STUPID! plain stupid...I know what not to do, but i do it anyways...why? because I'm selfish...and I dont want to be like that anymore! I've lost so many friends because of my actions...because of lies or secrets I couldnt tell or the way I used to be...a whore...as far as I know, 85% of this town knows who I am for the things I've done to make myself look like a whore. half of it being untrue. and that same percentage of people hate me for the things I done. It hurts to know that someone out there gave me the nickname "Julie, the walking STD" that hurts. it does....it really does...I know I did it to myself, I fucked up my rep....and I want to put it behind me...but somebody always wants to bring it up just to rub it in my face that thats who I use to be. I only have so many people to back me up now. My boyfriend, and his family, and my family. thats it....and as far as friends go...I only know of one who's always been really worried for me....but I wont say any names...I've been through so much shit and its just eating me up inside. my past haunts me day by day. and I dont go out because I dont want anyone knowing that I still exist. Its so weenie-ish of me to do that...but i'm tired of being hurt...tired of crying...tired all together.
I know that in the past year, I have grown a little bit stronger than I used to be. I learned not to take any shit from anyone...learned to just shrug it off and not worry about it....I cant change the way people feel about me...cant convince them that I've changed...cant go on living so depressed day in and day out...just stay positive as much as possible and try to get through it.
I may be stupid at (most) times, but I'm still young, and I'm still learning everyday.
I wish...I had someone else to talk to other than myself.
I wish that my family would have a nice christmas....and that I had a Job to get them something.
I wish I had someone to talk to....to trust...and to have someone to be there for and expect the same in return.
but...now a days....its hard to come by a really good friend.
A nice christmas evening with your family.
and My boyfriend staying out of jail for once.
I feel like such a loser. Like I dont deserve any of that....or I do, but I'm not putting any effort to make it happen. I feel so...trapped...lost...and so under control. If I wanted, I could go out an party whenever! Meet new people, and have friends to call and talk to and hang out like almost everyday. But, I dont. I dont do it, because I dont want to...I dont want to get hurt or hurt anyone else by my reckless actions. I know the way I am...STUPID! plain stupid...I know what not to do, but i do it anyways...why? because I'm selfish...and I dont want to be like that anymore! I've lost so many friends because of my actions...because of lies or secrets I couldnt tell or the way I used to be...a whore...as far as I know, 85% of this town knows who I am for the things I've done to make myself look like a whore. half of it being untrue. and that same percentage of people hate me for the things I done. It hurts to know that someone out there gave me the nickname "Julie, the walking STD" that hurts. it does....it really does...I know I did it to myself, I fucked up my rep....and I want to put it behind me...but somebody always wants to bring it up just to rub it in my face that thats who I use to be. I only have so many people to back me up now. My boyfriend, and his family, and my family. thats it....and as far as friends go...I only know of one who's always been really worried for me....but I wont say any names...I've been through so much shit and its just eating me up inside. my past haunts me day by day. and I dont go out because I dont want anyone knowing that I still exist. Its so weenie-ish of me to do that...but i'm tired of being hurt...tired of crying...tired all together.
I know that in the past year, I have grown a little bit stronger than I used to be. I learned not to take any shit from anyone...learned to just shrug it off and not worry about it....I cant change the way people feel about me...cant convince them that I've changed...cant go on living so depressed day in and day out...just stay positive as much as possible and try to get through it.
I may be stupid at (most) times, but I'm still young, and I'm still learning everyday.
I wish...I had someone else to talk to other than myself.