What I'd Tell Tiger Woods
If he showed up at a party I was hosting or on my Chatroulette or in my home group. At first I would introduce myself. What's your name? Ah, cool, I'm Courtney. Be nice, smile a lot, thank him for thanking me for being so honest, being so open. I hear you like Benzos? I'd say, in a cool way, in a way that showed I was just like him. That's cool, I took a Ambien once at a party and woke up an hour later huddled in a corner. I don't think I fucked any waitresses, though. Awkward laugh. Actually I wouldn't say that last part, I'd just think it. You know I'm a Buddhist too? Sometimes... Other times I'm an atheist, they aren't mutually exclusive categories, you know. We'd go on like this for a while. Me being candid, Tiger being vulnerable, sad. You don't end up in conversation with me for nothin'. One night he will call me at 2am, half-crying, wondering where it all went wrong. How did you manage to do it this long? Stay sober? I will decide now's the time to get real with Mr. Woods. Look, I'll say. I will never be more than a 5 or 6 tops, even at my thinnest, with long auburn died hair and fake lashes in a push up bra. I'm not pretty, I'm below average on my average days. And that would have been ok, but you know, I fucking stole a taxicab. I got a 560 on my GRE Math section. You understand handicaps, you're a golfer. These aren't handicaps. These are not problems I can account for, my looks, yes, my neuroses, no. And so it goes. You're wildly wealthy, near perfect at what you do, and handsome, still desired by many. Hell I'd fuck you right now, you are a hot motherfucker. I digress. Look, stop apologizing and be grateful. Ignore all the bullshit. You're a scratch player friend, you can walk away from this if you want. Stop holding on so tightly to your tiny little world. God, if he exists, gave you an out. You know what I would do if I were you? I would quietly divorce my wife. You don't deserve her. Let her have 3/4 of everything you have, you owe her that. The rest to charity, anonymously. I think you'd do really well in Grenada. People will tell you that its selfish, that you owe the world something, but you don't really. You never have. Don't fuck anyone for 5 years. Stop taking those awful pills. Live on as small of an allowance as possible and give the rest to charity. Build a house with your bare hands. Meditate 5 hours a day. Don't golf. In fact, when you think of golf, try to imagine yourself getting slowly less and less skilled as time goes by. Hope and pray that the next time you pick up a club you almost don't even remember how to hold it right. You will need the fear of having to start over to keep honest. You will need to feel crushed, but not lost. Defeated but not hopeless. Its about surrender. Its about giving up. I wish that I could do what you can do. I wish I didn't have to keep living with all my handicaps. But we are given what we are given. It wouldn't have been a problem if we'd've never gotten caught, am I right? And, yes, he'll say, that's true. What you said, its all true. I'll get real quiet, yawn, say. I wish I could've been you. I wake up everyday knowing I'm not. We're just human. In a million years no one will remember you are any more than me. And that's the good thing, that's what sets you free.