Pre-med
Wasting too much time lately shopping online for the perfect jewelry box. I embarrass myself.
Work felt weird because I started at 8 instead of 11. But I still felt my usual separation from time during the day. And of course, I arrived late.
I've started listening to a new book called "Bloodletting and Miraculous Cures". Interesting in many ways. The medical detail is frequently too advanced to understand. The author is Chinese (I'm pretty sure) and Canadian and I like that he has addressed some common immigrant/2nd-generation topics. The reading is a little odd because one of the main characters has a Chinese accent when nothing has given an indication that she might have one. (Maybe that will be explained later.)
What was unexpectedly difficult were the descriptions of getting into med school. It made me think about trying to go through the process twice and having not finished and why. I was reminded of how poorly I did in college and how I've never demonstrated the (necessary) qualities of a premed. It goes straight to my feeling of needing a career, a purpose, a desire, just something with direction. The idea and desire for direction has been a bit heavy on my mind lately. I feel bothered that I don't seem to have a passion for anything. I hate that I feel shitty, I know how and why I feel shitty, but I can't do anything about it except observe and start thinking idiotic metaphysical/philosophical thoughts. I think about how there are so many people who don't have any direction or purpose and it never occurs to them that it might be missing. That's so unfair.
But somehow things weren't really horrible until after I got home. I can't remember what part of the book it was but it wasn't something very related to me. As I was walking from the bus stop to the front door, I started feeling ready to sob my little heart out. But I didn't. I was too scared. So I went to a script reading and didn't free up brain cells for depression until I got home again. Home is not just where the heart is but the safe place to cry. But I haven't. A few tears when Roey got home a little bit ago but I'm just not ready to fully face what I hate about myself.
What was the best time you had during the day?
There were some good funny bits to the book while I was on the bus to work.
What changed about you when you were feeling especially good? What did you notice about how you felt, how you thought, and what you did?
I can't saying enjoying the book made me feel especially good. But it's a perfect escape from real life.
What was the lowest time you had during the day?
Just a little bit ago when I told Roey that I felt awful and why.
What changed about you when you felt especially down? What did you notice about how you felt, how you thought, and what you did?
I cried which I don't actually do that often. I felt terrible, kind of twisty inside. And I've been writing this.
I think most of today was a 5, average and unexciting. But the yucky parts were 2 or 3. Maybe a 3. I think I'm going to have to think about this scale in more detail.
Work felt weird because I started at 8 instead of 11. But I still felt my usual separation from time during the day. And of course, I arrived late.
I've started listening to a new book called "Bloodletting and Miraculous Cures". Interesting in many ways. The medical detail is frequently too advanced to understand. The author is Chinese (I'm pretty sure) and Canadian and I like that he has addressed some common immigrant/2nd-generation topics. The reading is a little odd because one of the main characters has a Chinese accent when nothing has given an indication that she might have one. (Maybe that will be explained later.)
What was unexpectedly difficult were the descriptions of getting into med school. It made me think about trying to go through the process twice and having not finished and why. I was reminded of how poorly I did in college and how I've never demonstrated the (necessary) qualities of a premed. It goes straight to my feeling of needing a career, a purpose, a desire, just something with direction. The idea and desire for direction has been a bit heavy on my mind lately. I feel bothered that I don't seem to have a passion for anything. I hate that I feel shitty, I know how and why I feel shitty, but I can't do anything about it except observe and start thinking idiotic metaphysical/philosophical thoughts. I think about how there are so many people who don't have any direction or purpose and it never occurs to them that it might be missing. That's so unfair.
But somehow things weren't really horrible until after I got home. I can't remember what part of the book it was but it wasn't something very related to me. As I was walking from the bus stop to the front door, I started feeling ready to sob my little heart out. But I didn't. I was too scared. So I went to a script reading and didn't free up brain cells for depression until I got home again. Home is not just where the heart is but the safe place to cry. But I haven't. A few tears when Roey got home a little bit ago but I'm just not ready to fully face what I hate about myself.
What was the best time you had during the day?
There were some good funny bits to the book while I was on the bus to work.
What changed about you when you were feeling especially good? What did you notice about how you felt, how you thought, and what you did?
I can't saying enjoying the book made me feel especially good. But it's a perfect escape from real life.
What was the lowest time you had during the day?
Just a little bit ago when I told Roey that I felt awful and why.
What changed about you when you felt especially down? What did you notice about how you felt, how you thought, and what you did?
I cried which I don't actually do that often. I felt terrible, kind of twisty inside. And I've been writing this.
I think most of today was a 5, average and unexciting. But the yucky parts were 2 or 3. Maybe a 3. I think I'm going to have to think about this scale in more detail.