somebody tell me...
K, whats with my life and its bad trends? It seems once i am in a happy place and everything is going well- i long for something more. I think its more that my 'everything is going well' is the standard for the way we all think life should be well lived. And that i realize that definition isn't the one i hold to be true- or isn't applicable to my life. I only come to terms with this in rare flashes, and as a result sabotage myself and my life because i don't hear it enough.
Why must i do this? And why must i interpret it as a negative thing? Maybe my mind is steering me in a way that i'm not yet able to comprehend, but that will be best for me in the long run. That seems to happen a lot. It never used to. I feel like Rogue with her freakass xmen powers that she hasn't learned to harness (what a lame comparison).
Everything i think and every action i take is always laced with; 'so how can i get out of this if i change my mind later on'? WHat the fuck is that all about? All the time. I need quiet and assurance. But when i get it i know i'll want the opposite. Thats the safest/most familiar (if horrible) way that i feel alive.
I'm a people pleaser too. Then i get swept up in a fury, into the life that i didn't necessarily choose. I think thats my problem- i don't take enough say in my life. But if i had more say, i worry that i wouldn't be the most interesting person i could be. I worry too much about other people and their opinions on how my life turns out. It would be a reflection of my supposed failure.
Maybe I've always been so sheltered that i don't grasp the degree to which life constantly changes on you. But what i do know is that i'm having a hard time with it.
That is all.
Why must i do this? And why must i interpret it as a negative thing? Maybe my mind is steering me in a way that i'm not yet able to comprehend, but that will be best for me in the long run. That seems to happen a lot. It never used to. I feel like Rogue with her freakass xmen powers that she hasn't learned to harness (what a lame comparison).
Everything i think and every action i take is always laced with; 'so how can i get out of this if i change my mind later on'? WHat the fuck is that all about? All the time. I need quiet and assurance. But when i get it i know i'll want the opposite. Thats the safest/most familiar (if horrible) way that i feel alive.
I'm a people pleaser too. Then i get swept up in a fury, into the life that i didn't necessarily choose. I think thats my problem- i don't take enough say in my life. But if i had more say, i worry that i wouldn't be the most interesting person i could be. I worry too much about other people and their opinions on how my life turns out. It would be a reflection of my supposed failure.
Maybe I've always been so sheltered that i don't grasp the degree to which life constantly changes on you. But what i do know is that i'm having a hard time with it.
That is all.