(no subject)
so I haven't posted in a long time. I'm going to rant. I don't know what to do... again. It doesn't look like I can keep my dog. I don't have a job. I don't have a plan. I missed registration for night school because I'm a dumbass. I want to leave the country. I want to model. What? no, don't be silly.
Today I found that video on facebook and I felt so weird. It's weird when people are talking about you and you don't know it until you see it on the internet. It's weird when those people are so far away. It upset me. I kind of felt like crying. Tyler looked so uncomfortable... because of me, really. Great. Awesome. so I feel like crap.
Not that we're even talking anymore. Isn't that just how it goes though. Whatever.
Oh and let me rant about N for a minute. All he wants is sex. I'm sick of it. I'm sure it's true, too. What else would I think when he sends me texts like "is your house empty"
Also, I feel like he barely talks to me. He just winds up touching me. I'm so hurt. I'm so disappointed that my first experience with sex turned out to be with somebody who couldn't care less about me. I am just one of, what is the number now? 15 girls? 16? That I know of, anyway. And I'm so disappointed in myself that I keep putting myself in this position.. letting myself get hurt by him. I know I don't matter to him, so why do I keep answering his messages (when he chooses to contact me..on his own time..). i just want to fucking matter to him so much. maybe it's not him. maybe it's anyone. I've felt pretty alone, for a while now.
I'm losing touch with everyone. my mom is rarely home anymore, which I guess is good considering all we do when she comes home is fight, but it still makes for an empty house that I'm not used to.
I miss my dad. I miss my nana. I miss my cousins. I miss my whole family.
I miss God.
I'm thirsty but I feel like I'm going to throw up.
I'm alone in a guest suite because my mom is at her boyfriend's and our apartment flooded. All our stuff got soaked. It flooded with hot water, so whatever didn't get soaked got warped by the steam.
I'm out of prozak.
Today I found that video on facebook and I felt so weird. It's weird when people are talking about you and you don't know it until you see it on the internet. It's weird when those people are so far away. It upset me. I kind of felt like crying. Tyler looked so uncomfortable... because of me, really. Great. Awesome. so I feel like crap.
Not that we're even talking anymore. Isn't that just how it goes though. Whatever.
Oh and let me rant about N for a minute. All he wants is sex. I'm sick of it. I'm sure it's true, too. What else would I think when he sends me texts like "is your house empty"
Also, I feel like he barely talks to me. He just winds up touching me. I'm so hurt. I'm so disappointed that my first experience with sex turned out to be with somebody who couldn't care less about me. I am just one of, what is the number now? 15 girls? 16? That I know of, anyway. And I'm so disappointed in myself that I keep putting myself in this position.. letting myself get hurt by him. I know I don't matter to him, so why do I keep answering his messages (when he chooses to contact me..on his own time..). i just want to fucking matter to him so much. maybe it's not him. maybe it's anyone. I've felt pretty alone, for a while now.
I'm losing touch with everyone. my mom is rarely home anymore, which I guess is good considering all we do when she comes home is fight, but it still makes for an empty house that I'm not used to.
I miss my dad. I miss my nana. I miss my cousins. I miss my whole family.
I miss God.
I'm thirsty but I feel like I'm going to throw up.
I'm alone in a guest suite because my mom is at her boyfriend's and our apartment flooded. All our stuff got soaked. It flooded with hot water, so whatever didn't get soaked got warped by the steam.
I'm out of prozak.