(no subject)
There has been one very interesting factor in my life lately.
Sam.
I'm not quite sure what to make of him. He's wonderful and funny and can make me feel better even when I didn't realize I was feeling bad!
The problem is, we're on opposite sides of the country.
He's got beautiful eyes that are not quite blue nor green. A voice that through recent phone conversations has become reassuring even when he's only doing voice impersonations from my favorite tv shows. I had a nightmare today and woke up looking for his phone number with the insane urge to tell him because I know he'll calm me and won't make me feel daft for acting so...stupid.
I think I'm very afraid I like him too much. And he's picked up on this and tries to accommodate by not saying something he feels will make me retreat. The way my parents have restricted my life since I was 12 has altered me a lot I think. Physical intimacy is not something I've ever had much of with the opposite sex- I was just hitting puberty when I was put in homeschool and left with no friends or social life sans internet.
So I think this sudden sort of intensity in the emotion department (I haven't had the guts to say that to him)is freaking me out because it's new territory. Physical attraction is fine, I know it and what to do with it, but the way his mind grabs my attention too is...worrying.
I've been confiding in him more and more lately, telling him things I've never had the trust to tell anyone. Like the fact that my parents can get abusive, verbally and physically, especially my mum when she's drunk and stressed. Even about my cutting and my sister dying. Because I won't feel stupid, and I know he won't judge me. It's something so different for me to have someone like me for non superficial reasons like my body or how my hair is done.
And oh god, what he says to me. Somehow he can tell when I'm uncomfortable with something and just seems to do the right thing every time. I'm used to accommodating for my family and their whims and emotions, but hard to have someone do it for me, not because they feel they have to...I don't know.
I asked him once why he cared so much. This is what he wrote.
***
You're the girl that I fantasize about. You're the girl that knows how to make me feel like I'm not talking to just any girl, I'm talking to Lurline Dorante-Day. The girl that likes what I like and that can have a interesting conversation with me for 8 hours into the morning and doesn't take at me or agree with me or try to jump in my pants or let me just jump into hers- who is weak to pause and strong to act, that doesn't just act like a girl but like herself and who knows how to make me smile and turn me on and confuse me and make me nervous just by talking. Heaven forbid I actually see her eyes and wonder how I'm going to act when I do.
That's not even the beginning of it.
***
What am I supposed to say to that? He even understood then. He said he knew it was new for me and that I needed not to say anything.
The first phonecall we ever had, he was so nervous he started pacing. And the last one from just tonight was made kind of secretively on my part, so when my sister came back I had to whisper goodbye. As I was putting the phone down I heard him whisper something. He'd whispered 'Love you' because he thought I'd hung up the phone.
Reading over this entry, I sound so stupid and childish, but he puzzles me so much and I don't know what to do.
I just don't know.
Sam.
I'm not quite sure what to make of him. He's wonderful and funny and can make me feel better even when I didn't realize I was feeling bad!
The problem is, we're on opposite sides of the country.
He's got beautiful eyes that are not quite blue nor green. A voice that through recent phone conversations has become reassuring even when he's only doing voice impersonations from my favorite tv shows. I had a nightmare today and woke up looking for his phone number with the insane urge to tell him because I know he'll calm me and won't make me feel daft for acting so...stupid.
I think I'm very afraid I like him too much. And he's picked up on this and tries to accommodate by not saying something he feels will make me retreat. The way my parents have restricted my life since I was 12 has altered me a lot I think. Physical intimacy is not something I've ever had much of with the opposite sex- I was just hitting puberty when I was put in homeschool and left with no friends or social life sans internet.
So I think this sudden sort of intensity in the emotion department (I haven't had the guts to say that to him)is freaking me out because it's new territory. Physical attraction is fine, I know it and what to do with it, but the way his mind grabs my attention too is...worrying.
I've been confiding in him more and more lately, telling him things I've never had the trust to tell anyone. Like the fact that my parents can get abusive, verbally and physically, especially my mum when she's drunk and stressed. Even about my cutting and my sister dying. Because I won't feel stupid, and I know he won't judge me. It's something so different for me to have someone like me for non superficial reasons like my body or how my hair is done.
And oh god, what he says to me. Somehow he can tell when I'm uncomfortable with something and just seems to do the right thing every time. I'm used to accommodating for my family and their whims and emotions, but hard to have someone do it for me, not because they feel they have to...I don't know.
I asked him once why he cared so much. This is what he wrote.
***
You're the girl that I fantasize about. You're the girl that knows how to make me feel like I'm not talking to just any girl, I'm talking to Lurline Dorante-Day. The girl that likes what I like and that can have a interesting conversation with me for 8 hours into the morning and doesn't take at me or agree with me or try to jump in my pants or let me just jump into hers- who is weak to pause and strong to act, that doesn't just act like a girl but like herself and who knows how to make me smile and turn me on and confuse me and make me nervous just by talking. Heaven forbid I actually see her eyes and wonder how I'm going to act when I do.
That's not even the beginning of it.
***
What am I supposed to say to that? He even understood then. He said he knew it was new for me and that I needed not to say anything.
The first phonecall we ever had, he was so nervous he started pacing. And the last one from just tonight was made kind of secretively on my part, so when my sister came back I had to whisper goodbye. As I was putting the phone down I heard him whisper something. He'd whispered 'Love you' because he thought I'd hung up the phone.
Reading over this entry, I sound so stupid and childish, but he puzzles me so much and I don't know what to do.
I just don't know.