O Little Cactus, We Hardly Knew Ye
Dudes, I am sozzled. Sooooooooooo very sozzled am I.
This is a very good thing, although not so much from the perspective of the cute-as-a-button kidlets who just showed up at my door demanding candy.
No, before you ask, I did not invite them in to drink with me, although it is a sad state of affairs to be drinking alone. But, I did put my beloved cactus in one of their bags. God knows why. It just looked so lonely sitting there on its own, by the windowsill. I tried to give one of the older girls Seth but she wasn't stupid. Every year I try that, every year I fail.
I hope that the kid doesn't try to eat the cactus. My sister would have, when she was little. She's a sweet thing, but very sheltered. I miss her.
My mother called again. I tried to hide my drunken state by claiming I was ill, but I don't think she believed me. She went along with it, though. Even when I sang my song about the strumpet with the crumpet who cried for her long lost cactus. It had a good hook, I'll say that much. Anyway, the conversation:
Keiko, The Irresponsible Daughter From Hell: Hellllooo?
I am soooo drunk, dudes.
Keiko's Mom: Keiko? Is that you?
Is she drunk? She sounds awfully drunk...
K, TIDIH: I hope so. Uh. Is that - Oh, god. You aren't my boss, right? Right? Cause I'm soooo not drinking right now. Not that it's any of your godda -
I am drunk. Still.
K's M: Keiko Agena!
Oh, she's drunk all right.
K, TIDIH: Mommy?
Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw. I didn't see that one coming. Because I am drunk. And stupid.
K's M: It's me, honey.
Oh great. My little girl's all grown up and going to hell...
K, TIDIH: Um...
I'm sooooo drunk, it isn't funny.
K's M: So, Anyway, how're you doing?
Oh, you are in so much trouble, little girl...
K, TIDIH: ...
Still drunk!
K's M: That's good. The cats? How're they doing? Has Benjamin's ear infection cleared up?
At least the fucking cats aren't drunk, unlike my horrible, good-for-nothing daughter...
K, TIDIH: Um, what?
Say it with me: Drunk!
K's M: So. Tell me how things are going with you, my Keiko. Anything new?
My daughter is an alcoholic. Just like that Ben Affleck character. Hm. I wonder if he's taken? I should call his mother.
K, TIDIH: Good. How're things at home?
But Mom! He's bald! And gay! And dating J.Ho!
And so on and on into infinity. I choose not to transcribe the lyrics to my song because... well... it's a very bad song. Not as bad as anything Color Me Badd ever did, but still quite awful.
Um. I'm going to go puke in the toilet now. And possibly make up maudlin poetry about the fate of a lonely cactus, but that's neither here nor there.
This is a very good thing, although not so much from the perspective of the cute-as-a-button kidlets who just showed up at my door demanding candy.
No, before you ask, I did not invite them in to drink with me, although it is a sad state of affairs to be drinking alone. But, I did put my beloved cactus in one of their bags. God knows why. It just looked so lonely sitting there on its own, by the windowsill. I tried to give one of the older girls Seth but she wasn't stupid. Every year I try that, every year I fail.
I hope that the kid doesn't try to eat the cactus. My sister would have, when she was little. She's a sweet thing, but very sheltered. I miss her.
My mother called again. I tried to hide my drunken state by claiming I was ill, but I don't think she believed me. She went along with it, though. Even when I sang my song about the strumpet with the crumpet who cried for her long lost cactus. It had a good hook, I'll say that much. Anyway, the conversation:
Keiko, The Irresponsible Daughter From Hell: Hellllooo?
I am soooo drunk, dudes.
Keiko's Mom: Keiko? Is that you?
Is she drunk? She sounds awfully drunk...
K, TIDIH: I hope so. Uh. Is that - Oh, god. You aren't my boss, right? Right? Cause I'm soooo not drinking right now. Not that it's any of your godda -
I am drunk. Still.
K's M: Keiko Agena!
Oh, she's drunk all right.
K, TIDIH: Mommy?
Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw. I didn't see that one coming. Because I am drunk. And stupid.
K's M: It's me, honey.
Oh great. My little girl's all grown up and going to hell...
K, TIDIH: Um...
I'm sooooo drunk, it isn't funny.
K's M: So, Anyway, how're you doing?
Oh, you are in so much trouble, little girl...
K, TIDIH: ...
Still drunk!
K's M: That's good. The cats? How're they doing? Has Benjamin's ear infection cleared up?
At least the fucking cats aren't drunk, unlike my horrible, good-for-nothing daughter...
K, TIDIH: Um, what?
Say it with me: Drunk!
K's M: So. Tell me how things are going with you, my Keiko. Anything new?
My daughter is an alcoholic. Just like that Ben Affleck character. Hm. I wonder if he's taken? I should call his mother.
K, TIDIH: Good. How're things at home?
But Mom! He's bald! And gay! And dating J.Ho!
And so on and on into infinity. I choose not to transcribe the lyrics to my song because... well... it's a very bad song. Not as bad as anything Color Me Badd ever did, but still quite awful.
Um. I'm going to go puke in the toilet now. And possibly make up maudlin poetry about the fate of a lonely cactus, but that's neither here nor there.