innocent
i dont really know how i feel right now but here's a few words that come to mind
broken
hurt
crushed
sad
angry
hateful
and everyday the feelings dont die down, its like im going through a breakup, my heart continuenly being ripped from my rib cage. they get stronger as my mind and body refuses to accept what exactly has happened and i fear to trust anyone again, to get close to anyone again.
whoever did this to me must hate me right to the core
mon 4th june - day off
work ring my mobile, im in the shower. the message is that my shift has changed and im to come in at 10am instead of 7:30am
i feel quite annoyed, they cant do that, i need to go at 3pm when my original shift finishes, i have things to do and appointments to keep plus im going to download on wednesday! i dont want to be down on hours!
i ring, my ass. manager tells me she'll sort it and not to worry, at least i'll get a lay in. thats all she keeps saying.
tues 5th june
10am i go into work. im really cheery, im thinking "yes last shift and then im on holiday" i go over to the shift plan, "thats funny, im not down for any activities, ive been completely scrubbed off, weird, nevermind i have enough other stuff to be getting on with anyway"
so i throw the hoover around and then i get called upstairs by a manager from another home.
"Terri the are 3 allegations been made against you and we are precausionarily suspending you"
im shocked "what?!!!!"
"you have come into work under the influence of drugs, that drug being cocaine"
i start to cry "I HAVE NEVER DONE DRUGS BEFORE WORK, I WOULD NEVER DO THAT"
"are you an addict?"
"WHAT??? NO!!!!!! ive only done it at a party or 2, i would NEVER do anything before work, not even the night before work...." im quite hysterical
"you have been abusive and impatient towards residents"
my mind is on over time, what the hell is going on
"and you have driven the minibus wrecklessly nearly causing an accident"
my mind i still hasnt moved on from the first thing, its all too much for me to take
"an investigation will be taking place and POVA (protection of vunerable adults) will be involved. you are not allowed to enter this building or be in touch with anyone. we will contact you...."
to be honest my mind is a bit of a blur from then on, im in such a state of shock i dont know what to do with myself.
i then get escourted off the premesis.
by the time i get home i am properly hysterical. aidy thinks my cat has died and my aunty is scared im going to hurt myself before my mum gets home.
my mum takes me to the CAB and the doctors
then on wed i go to download.
mon 11th june
my manager rings, he too has just come back from annual leave. he sounds in as much shock as i am over this. his voice is compationate and he asks how i am and then tells me to take care
he said he'll call me once he gets his head round this which will be wed/thurs so we can arrange a meeting.
i havent had the phonecall yet
i am totally innocent
its going to be my word against whoever has done this to me
i feel so so so desperatly sad
it feels so unreal and i just cant stop crying
if im not fired i am going to look for a new job
how can i ever work there again
dont you think id remember if id done these things
i would never hurt anyone
wh is this happening?
broken
hurt
crushed
sad
angry
hateful
and everyday the feelings dont die down, its like im going through a breakup, my heart continuenly being ripped from my rib cage. they get stronger as my mind and body refuses to accept what exactly has happened and i fear to trust anyone again, to get close to anyone again.
whoever did this to me must hate me right to the core
mon 4th june - day off
work ring my mobile, im in the shower. the message is that my shift has changed and im to come in at 10am instead of 7:30am
i feel quite annoyed, they cant do that, i need to go at 3pm when my original shift finishes, i have things to do and appointments to keep plus im going to download on wednesday! i dont want to be down on hours!
i ring, my ass. manager tells me she'll sort it and not to worry, at least i'll get a lay in. thats all she keeps saying.
tues 5th june
10am i go into work. im really cheery, im thinking "yes last shift and then im on holiday" i go over to the shift plan, "thats funny, im not down for any activities, ive been completely scrubbed off, weird, nevermind i have enough other stuff to be getting on with anyway"
so i throw the hoover around and then i get called upstairs by a manager from another home.
"Terri the are 3 allegations been made against you and we are precausionarily suspending you"
im shocked "what?!!!!"
"you have come into work under the influence of drugs, that drug being cocaine"
i start to cry "I HAVE NEVER DONE DRUGS BEFORE WORK, I WOULD NEVER DO THAT"
"are you an addict?"
"WHAT??? NO!!!!!! ive only done it at a party or 2, i would NEVER do anything before work, not even the night before work...." im quite hysterical
"you have been abusive and impatient towards residents"
my mind is on over time, what the hell is going on
"and you have driven the minibus wrecklessly nearly causing an accident"
my mind i still hasnt moved on from the first thing, its all too much for me to take
"an investigation will be taking place and POVA (protection of vunerable adults) will be involved. you are not allowed to enter this building or be in touch with anyone. we will contact you...."
to be honest my mind is a bit of a blur from then on, im in such a state of shock i dont know what to do with myself.
i then get escourted off the premesis.
by the time i get home i am properly hysterical. aidy thinks my cat has died and my aunty is scared im going to hurt myself before my mum gets home.
my mum takes me to the CAB and the doctors
then on wed i go to download.
mon 11th june
my manager rings, he too has just come back from annual leave. he sounds in as much shock as i am over this. his voice is compationate and he asks how i am and then tells me to take care
he said he'll call me once he gets his head round this which will be wed/thurs so we can arrange a meeting.
i havent had the phonecall yet
i am totally innocent
its going to be my word against whoever has done this to me
i feel so so so desperatly sad
it feels so unreal and i just cant stop crying
if im not fired i am going to look for a new job
how can i ever work there again
dont you think id remember if id done these things
i would never hurt anyone
wh is this happening?