on aging, or,
"What makes a woman younger and in better shape than me look like a clapped-out old hag? What makes me seem so young to people?"
I've pondered this question mentally and with Coley numerous times. I get up in the morning and stare at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I do it while I'm naked. I scrutinize myself- is that line on my forehead deeper? What if I make this expression? Are my (much-appreciated) boobs sagging yet? Is my butt (more) dimply?
I don't for a minute think I even come close to physical perfection. But, when comparing myself to other women my age, I notice that I look somehow...fresher. Newer. Less used-up. Sometimes I meet a woman and I'm amazed when I learn that she's younger than me. Even more amazed if I find out that she's in her twenties. Her skin looks like a saddle, makeup is embedded in every fold. Her voice is rough or tired. There's something undefinable surrounding her that permeates her looks, her spirit, that makes her seem older than she is. I guess if I could put my finger on it and bottle it I would be rich. Isn't that what everyone wants, a fountain of youth? (Those of you reading this who think, "not really, I don't want to be younger"- well, you're just not old enough yet.)
I think part of it is physical excess. An overweight thirtysomething is probably not the best person to discourse about excess. I like lots of things, a lot. Certain foods, certain people's company, certain sexual activities. But I tend to be able to say "enough" or to understand that sometimes less IS more. The women whom I notice shriveling up right before my eyes are usually enthusiastic tanners, smoke and drink with gusto, and spackle on the makeup. These things are not only hard on your body, but somehow are embedded in our consciousness as things that old women do- Norma Desmond fading away in her crumbling mansion, "Baby" Jane Hudson, Jocelyn Wildenstein...
And really. The makeup. I enjoy being girly in my own way. I like to wear makeup (although to me, makeup is eyeliner, mascara, and lip gloss). But I know a couple of women who pile so much on they look like drag queens. I had a patient recently who is 4 years my junior and I have to admit that I couldn't stop staring at her. She was probably pretty, and maybe she did look young, but you'd never be able to tell because whatever she was was hidden under a spectacular excess of makeup. She had an artificial, orangey tan, daaark foundation, and her eyebrows were drawn on with sharp, angry slashes of pencil. Her eyeshadow was purple and went all the way up to her eyebrows. Her eyes were carefully outlined in a darker purple and I'll be damned if she didn't have on false eyelashes.
It was probably rude of me to stare, but I couldn't help myself. I was so fascinated with her fake-looking face that I couldn't not look. I found myself wondering what she actually looked like underneath RuPaul's face. I thought she probably would look like what she was- a young, probably pretty girl- if she washed all that crap off (and then I wondered what her husband and kids thought of it- did she wear it to bed? Was he startled the first time he saw her without makeup? Did he ever even see her without it?What was it like to kiss with all that stuff on?).
I'm not condemning her or her choice, even though it probably sounds like it. It's not really a judgement, it's more like...it's so alien to me that I'm just fascinated by that much artifice. And I wonder if that's part of why people often tell me I don't look my age- that I don't wear much makeup. I like to look like myself.
Sometimes when people tell me I don't look my age I'll laugh and say it's because the chubby holds out my wrinkles. I don't think that's quite true (although I'm willing to find out, since sticking to my eating plan and being healthy is more important than looking younger on the outside). I mean, there are parts of me that are less chubby and still seem pretty wrinkle-free. The parts of me where I lose weight first (like my face) never seem to be wrinkly. Maybe it's because of WHAT I eat more than how much. Even when I'm in "fatty" mode, I'd still choose to eat things like cheeses, lean meats, things made with healthy fats over crap like fast food. It's just what I grew up with- "real" food is way yummier to me than a Big Mac (although I admit I've never actually eaten one- but the thought grosses me out) or potato chips. Even at my fattest my cholesterol, etc has always been at good levels.
That could also be genetics. I have good genes. A patient who knows my (64-yr old) dad thought he was in his late 40's, and then when I told her how old I was, she tried to do the math, and then figured out that there was no way my dad could be as young as she thought he was. Then again, my mother looks her age (as much as it kills me to say that). Is that genetics? Or is it their choices in life?
Coley and I often talk about how we feel like the events in our life and our attitudes are what make us appear younger. We are more comfortable with ourselves and feel more in control of the direction our lives are headed. One example I remember using when we were walking at the park was that, I came close to getting married and having children in my 20's. I didn't know who I was yet and didn't feel like I was on a good path in life. But I felt like I was going to do it because that's just what you did. Some of my friends who I've noticed doing this out of some societal obligation seem much less satisfied with their lives than those who've taken the time to find their own path. Now that I'm in my 30's, I feel satisfied with myself as a person and happy and comfortable in my own skin. Life is an adventure. I want to experience things like marriage and children as part of that. I want to get married because sharing that closeness and those experiences enriches the journey. Because even the struggles strengthen the bond that you share with a spouse. I want children not because I feel obligated to (because society keeps putting in my face that I'm getting "old" and I better breed before it's too late) but because the idea of meeting this little person and sharing that life is exciting to me, too. It's all an adventure.
Maybe that's it. Maybe that's the thing that makes me seem young (and some people actually say this like it's a dirty word, as in, "grow up!") to others. Life is a learning experience. It's an adventure. My parents are staunch athiests. My beliefs system is a lot more complex than saying I'm pagan or agnostic or anything I want to get into here. My Aunt Sue is Catholic. We got into the subject of heaven one day and she said she felt sorry for my parents- that "even pagans believe in something.....your father doesn't believe in heaven...he's got nothing to look forward to". Well...isn't life itself something to look forward to? Do people really just walk around thinking that the only return they get on their investment, so to speak, is that they get to go to heaven when they die? That's kind of pathetic. I don't really believe in heaven myself. But I think that the important thing is what you do while you're alive with the life you have, to make the most of it, with the people you care about. I'm not enjoying life and doing what's right because I'm going to go to hell if I don't. I'm enjoying the time I have while I'm here, making sure the people I love know how I feel, enjoying what I can, because that's part of life. Enjoying every aspect because I could drop dead tomorrow. :)
Maybe that's what people see when they look at me and say I don't seem my age. Maybe it's because I derive some enjoyment out of simply living my life. Maybe it's because people (wrongly) think I'm so happy-go-lucky all the time. Of course...that's also what makes them think I'm crazy.
I've pondered this question mentally and with Coley numerous times. I get up in the morning and stare at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I do it while I'm naked. I scrutinize myself- is that line on my forehead deeper? What if I make this expression? Are my (much-appreciated) boobs sagging yet? Is my butt (more) dimply?
I don't for a minute think I even come close to physical perfection. But, when comparing myself to other women my age, I notice that I look somehow...fresher. Newer. Less used-up. Sometimes I meet a woman and I'm amazed when I learn that she's younger than me. Even more amazed if I find out that she's in her twenties. Her skin looks like a saddle, makeup is embedded in every fold. Her voice is rough or tired. There's something undefinable surrounding her that permeates her looks, her spirit, that makes her seem older than she is. I guess if I could put my finger on it and bottle it I would be rich. Isn't that what everyone wants, a fountain of youth? (Those of you reading this who think, "not really, I don't want to be younger"- well, you're just not old enough yet.)
I think part of it is physical excess. An overweight thirtysomething is probably not the best person to discourse about excess. I like lots of things, a lot. Certain foods, certain people's company, certain sexual activities. But I tend to be able to say "enough" or to understand that sometimes less IS more. The women whom I notice shriveling up right before my eyes are usually enthusiastic tanners, smoke and drink with gusto, and spackle on the makeup. These things are not only hard on your body, but somehow are embedded in our consciousness as things that old women do- Norma Desmond fading away in her crumbling mansion, "Baby" Jane Hudson, Jocelyn Wildenstein...
And really. The makeup. I enjoy being girly in my own way. I like to wear makeup (although to me, makeup is eyeliner, mascara, and lip gloss). But I know a couple of women who pile so much on they look like drag queens. I had a patient recently who is 4 years my junior and I have to admit that I couldn't stop staring at her. She was probably pretty, and maybe she did look young, but you'd never be able to tell because whatever she was was hidden under a spectacular excess of makeup. She had an artificial, orangey tan, daaark foundation, and her eyebrows were drawn on with sharp, angry slashes of pencil. Her eyeshadow was purple and went all the way up to her eyebrows. Her eyes were carefully outlined in a darker purple and I'll be damned if she didn't have on false eyelashes.
It was probably rude of me to stare, but I couldn't help myself. I was so fascinated with her fake-looking face that I couldn't not look. I found myself wondering what she actually looked like underneath RuPaul's face. I thought she probably would look like what she was- a young, probably pretty girl- if she washed all that crap off (and then I wondered what her husband and kids thought of it- did she wear it to bed? Was he startled the first time he saw her without makeup? Did he ever even see her without it?What was it like to kiss with all that stuff on?).
I'm not condemning her or her choice, even though it probably sounds like it. It's not really a judgement, it's more like...it's so alien to me that I'm just fascinated by that much artifice. And I wonder if that's part of why people often tell me I don't look my age- that I don't wear much makeup. I like to look like myself.
Sometimes when people tell me I don't look my age I'll laugh and say it's because the chubby holds out my wrinkles. I don't think that's quite true (although I'm willing to find out, since sticking to my eating plan and being healthy is more important than looking younger on the outside). I mean, there are parts of me that are less chubby and still seem pretty wrinkle-free. The parts of me where I lose weight first (like my face) never seem to be wrinkly. Maybe it's because of WHAT I eat more than how much. Even when I'm in "fatty" mode, I'd still choose to eat things like cheeses, lean meats, things made with healthy fats over crap like fast food. It's just what I grew up with- "real" food is way yummier to me than a Big Mac (although I admit I've never actually eaten one- but the thought grosses me out) or potato chips. Even at my fattest my cholesterol, etc has always been at good levels.
That could also be genetics. I have good genes. A patient who knows my (64-yr old) dad thought he was in his late 40's, and then when I told her how old I was, she tried to do the math, and then figured out that there was no way my dad could be as young as she thought he was. Then again, my mother looks her age (as much as it kills me to say that). Is that genetics? Or is it their choices in life?
Coley and I often talk about how we feel like the events in our life and our attitudes are what make us appear younger. We are more comfortable with ourselves and feel more in control of the direction our lives are headed. One example I remember using when we were walking at the park was that, I came close to getting married and having children in my 20's. I didn't know who I was yet and didn't feel like I was on a good path in life. But I felt like I was going to do it because that's just what you did. Some of my friends who I've noticed doing this out of some societal obligation seem much less satisfied with their lives than those who've taken the time to find their own path. Now that I'm in my 30's, I feel satisfied with myself as a person and happy and comfortable in my own skin. Life is an adventure. I want to experience things like marriage and children as part of that. I want to get married because sharing that closeness and those experiences enriches the journey. Because even the struggles strengthen the bond that you share with a spouse. I want children not because I feel obligated to (because society keeps putting in my face that I'm getting "old" and I better breed before it's too late) but because the idea of meeting this little person and sharing that life is exciting to me, too. It's all an adventure.
Maybe that's it. Maybe that's the thing that makes me seem young (and some people actually say this like it's a dirty word, as in, "grow up!") to others. Life is a learning experience. It's an adventure. My parents are staunch athiests. My beliefs system is a lot more complex than saying I'm pagan or agnostic or anything I want to get into here. My Aunt Sue is Catholic. We got into the subject of heaven one day and she said she felt sorry for my parents- that "even pagans believe in something.....your father doesn't believe in heaven...he's got nothing to look forward to". Well...isn't life itself something to look forward to? Do people really just walk around thinking that the only return they get on their investment, so to speak, is that they get to go to heaven when they die? That's kind of pathetic. I don't really believe in heaven myself. But I think that the important thing is what you do while you're alive with the life you have, to make the most of it, with the people you care about. I'm not enjoying life and doing what's right because I'm going to go to hell if I don't. I'm enjoying the time I have while I'm here, making sure the people I love know how I feel, enjoying what I can, because that's part of life. Enjoying every aspect because I could drop dead tomorrow. :)
Maybe that's what people see when they look at me and say I don't seem my age. Maybe it's because I derive some enjoyment out of simply living my life. Maybe it's because people (wrongly) think I'm so happy-go-lucky all the time. Of course...that's also what makes them think I'm crazy.