Reasons For Death
let me start by just saying how much I trully miss my dad. i wish I ddn't because he is ..... unexplainale..... I miss his stupid scense of humor, how ever I don't miss his torcher. that of himself and other people.. No.. wait... that's not wholy true his masacist inside me actualy misses some of the fucked up things we did to other people. But my shame hangs on like a dark shawdow under a black light.
You know, my father and I were a good team. If your into total chaos. you know he's te only one who evermade me feel like I accomplished SOMTHING... but it was never good. that makes me sad. he was for sure not born in his own time. he is more gen X then I will ever be. which makes me my cildrens peers? thats a painful mind fuck. ack to being a good team, my father and I .. some how, when we were together, he would direct and I would fier. Sometimes it was art, sometimes words.... sometimes just ..... well nothing. he was able to some how help me focus on not hurting any one. Which sounds bad I spupose, why would I want to hurt any one? Well that's the pit of chaos. no reason behind most actions. infact I learned most of my "reasons" were nothing more then excuses after the fact. well he helped me redirect every thing. Of course with that he didn't give me a whole lot of aim.
but he's dead.. I don't like it. i have never felt so truly alone. kind of like a book in a hot desert. no one will ever want to read it while they are looking for water. and it would be too heavy a burdon to cary with them. So here I wait.
wow that was sad.
looking back at some of the things my father is to me, love was never one of them. he is devoid of love. love to him is a color that doesn't exsist. but me? i loved him.... no I loved the idea of him. that omnipotent being who will guid me .. help me... yea the idea of him... till i realised where I was being guided. What point I hated the direction, I couldn't tell you... but I did. I think. Or maybe I just turned on him. Eveything he taught me about hurting and suffering I turned on him. So now I want away from him before his person is demolshed by my mass extinction of.... is perfectionism... HAHAHA. I know what I mean. I supose I am nothing more then a beast who has turned on his master. a person or entity who realises that they were guided into a cage and wil attack before they are locked in..... forever. My attack? it's pretty diabolicle... it's like sitting above the cage with a key. in the cage? the owner, locked and stuck....... hhmmm... feels kind of good. I think What if I would have let him lead me further? When he finely killed himself, who would then lead me? no one would. I would be locked away for ever. So I had to cage him. thats how I feel. Of course theres the day dream of tabbing him to death....... But I only use that thought to chear myself up. he has never been worth my time. my REAL time. I would never go to jail for him. or because of him.
I wonder though...... how he is fareing. Can he feel my thoughts? does he know deep down how my despise I have for him? Does he know what kind of little monster of me he has created? his emotional little frankenstien?
yes he will need to leave. I did him a favor by leaving his sight. tho. I have puppetised his paranoia with my mental darkness. he will never know when or if I will apear. The only thing he knows is that... I am still out there, uncaged and totaly in rage.
now back to why I can't be around him in full veiw. it's like I said, he can't direct me when he cant see me. Or control me. For the first time, even though I feel alone, I am controlling myself. I can't say i m going in the right direction. or any direction for that matter. but I am on my own.
I guess how I feel, is like a conjoured entity. whos master turns on them. tries to destroy the agony they have created. why? I did everything I was told to do. Just beause my little "master" bit off more then he could chew does NOT mean that I should die or suffer. I know I will be out looking for a new direction. but if I don't keep him in my site, I will surly be sucked back into his hell.
It is hard to tell mself "i am not his"... if gave me a sense of purpose. I do trully feel alone. infact that must be the other reason I am hanging ontothis anger of mine so much. It's the last and only thing that makes sense. well until I find someting new to make sense out of. haha Im an emotional pack rat.
well I cant add anything more about this right now.. but I will again...later.
You know, my father and I were a good team. If your into total chaos. you know he's te only one who evermade me feel like I accomplished SOMTHING... but it was never good. that makes me sad. he was for sure not born in his own time. he is more gen X then I will ever be. which makes me my cildrens peers? thats a painful mind fuck. ack to being a good team, my father and I .. some how, when we were together, he would direct and I would fier. Sometimes it was art, sometimes words.... sometimes just ..... well nothing. he was able to some how help me focus on not hurting any one. Which sounds bad I spupose, why would I want to hurt any one? Well that's the pit of chaos. no reason behind most actions. infact I learned most of my "reasons" were nothing more then excuses after the fact. well he helped me redirect every thing. Of course with that he didn't give me a whole lot of aim.
but he's dead.. I don't like it. i have never felt so truly alone. kind of like a book in a hot desert. no one will ever want to read it while they are looking for water. and it would be too heavy a burdon to cary with them. So here I wait.
wow that was sad.
looking back at some of the things my father is to me, love was never one of them. he is devoid of love. love to him is a color that doesn't exsist. but me? i loved him.... no I loved the idea of him. that omnipotent being who will guid me .. help me... yea the idea of him... till i realised where I was being guided. What point I hated the direction, I couldn't tell you... but I did. I think. Or maybe I just turned on him. Eveything he taught me about hurting and suffering I turned on him. So now I want away from him before his person is demolshed by my mass extinction of.... is perfectionism... HAHAHA. I know what I mean. I supose I am nothing more then a beast who has turned on his master. a person or entity who realises that they were guided into a cage and wil attack before they are locked in..... forever. My attack? it's pretty diabolicle... it's like sitting above the cage with a key. in the cage? the owner, locked and stuck....... hhmmm... feels kind of good. I think What if I would have let him lead me further? When he finely killed himself, who would then lead me? no one would. I would be locked away for ever. So I had to cage him. thats how I feel. Of course theres the day dream of tabbing him to death....... But I only use that thought to chear myself up. he has never been worth my time. my REAL time. I would never go to jail for him. or because of him.
I wonder though...... how he is fareing. Can he feel my thoughts? does he know deep down how my despise I have for him? Does he know what kind of little monster of me he has created? his emotional little frankenstien?
yes he will need to leave. I did him a favor by leaving his sight. tho. I have puppetised his paranoia with my mental darkness. he will never know when or if I will apear. The only thing he knows is that... I am still out there, uncaged and totaly in rage.
now back to why I can't be around him in full veiw. it's like I said, he can't direct me when he cant see me. Or control me. For the first time, even though I feel alone, I am controlling myself. I can't say i m going in the right direction. or any direction for that matter. but I am on my own.
I guess how I feel, is like a conjoured entity. whos master turns on them. tries to destroy the agony they have created. why? I did everything I was told to do. Just beause my little "master" bit off more then he could chew does NOT mean that I should die or suffer. I know I will be out looking for a new direction. but if I don't keep him in my site, I will surly be sucked back into his hell.
It is hard to tell mself "i am not his"... if gave me a sense of purpose. I do trully feel alone. infact that must be the other reason I am hanging ontothis anger of mine so much. It's the last and only thing that makes sense. well until I find someting new to make sense out of. haha Im an emotional pack rat.
well I cant add anything more about this right now.. but I will again...later.