haha
For some reason, I found this column to be very funny, so I thought I'd share. I think it seems like something my dad would write.
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by W. Bruce Cameron
RELEASE: SATURDAY, APRIL 29, 2006, AND THEREAFTER
MY SISTER THE VEGETARIAN
My sister thinks she's smarter than I am -- just because she got better grades in school, bested me in SAT scores and has a higher I.Q. But while I've gone on to use my English major to serve mankind to great effect as a newspaper columnist, all she's managed to do is become a doctor. "You're an internist," I point out kindly, "not a brain surgeon or anything."
"Whereas you're a humor columnist," she shoots back.
"You just proved my point," I say smugly. "Humor columnist is sort of the brain surgery of writing."
Another area of disagreement has to do with her being a vegetarian, while I'm tolerant of all people regardless of their food groups. My attitude is, "Let me eat steak."
Some people are vegetarians because they believe it is healthier for themselves and also for cattle. Others eschew meat because they believe that when you die you are reincarnated as an animal, and they don't want to accidentally turn Uncle Bob into pot roast. My sister, however, is a vegetarian because she wants to irritate me. She denies this is her motivation, but how would she know?
She's visiting me right now, opening my refrigerator and saying things like: "You eat liverwurst? Are you crazy?" I point out that it is a little ironic to accuse me of being the crazy one when she's the person shouting at kitchen appliances. Eventually, she calms down and says that even though I eat meat, she still loves me. I respond that even though she eats twigs, I'm always right about everything.
In spending time with my sister, I've found out several things about vegetarians that I'll relate here because I believe we should all be aware of subversive threats to our survival.
First, there is a difference between a lacto-vegetarian and a lactating vegetarian. My sister is the first kind. She became a little testy with me when I kept telling waitresses that she was the second kind, so if you are out to lunch with a vegetarian, try to avoid this common-sense mistake.
Second, a vegetarian won't eat a BLT because technically bacon is not a vegetable. They won't make exceptions to this even when you rather logically point out that once you've eaten it, you can't see the bacon.
Third, vegetarians get in a really bad mood when all you're trying to do is find out whether, if they were on a desert island with nothing to eat but hamburgers, would they starve or eat a delicious burger, and if that's the case why can't we just go out for a burger now since obviously it's not that important to her.
They also don't like to entertain arguments that under certain situations, pork could be considered a fruit. And when you tell them they're just snippy because they're hungry, they get even more snippy, which if you think about it sort of proves my point.
My sister originally gave up eating meat because she didn't want to have things killed on her behalf, though after about an hour of listening to my comments about it she seems willing to make an exception for me. "Hey," I hooted triumphantly, "you have plants killed all the time on your behalf! What's the difference?"
She was actually able to come up with a few, but I was too busy declaring myself the winner of the debate to pay any attention to her rebuttal.
The next time we went out to lunch, I told the waitress that my sister couldn't eat meat because she was a vegetarian, and I couldn't eat plants because I was a planetarium. The woman had a big laugh at my sister's expense.
Now, if you're reading this and you're a vegetarian, please don't think I'm making fun of you. There must be something to the whole "not killing animals plus it is healthier for you" thing, because otherwise my sister wouldn't do it. I love my sister and respect her opinion about a lot of things, just not roast beef, and will always listen to her carefully so I can make fun of her. And she's a good sport about it, even if she is only a doctor.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
by W. Bruce Cameron
RELEASE: SATURDAY, APRIL 29, 2006, AND THEREAFTER
MY SISTER THE VEGETARIAN
My sister thinks she's smarter than I am -- just because she got better grades in school, bested me in SAT scores and has a higher I.Q. But while I've gone on to use my English major to serve mankind to great effect as a newspaper columnist, all she's managed to do is become a doctor. "You're an internist," I point out kindly, "not a brain surgeon or anything."
"Whereas you're a humor columnist," she shoots back.
"You just proved my point," I say smugly. "Humor columnist is sort of the brain surgery of writing."
Another area of disagreement has to do with her being a vegetarian, while I'm tolerant of all people regardless of their food groups. My attitude is, "Let me eat steak."
Some people are vegetarians because they believe it is healthier for themselves and also for cattle. Others eschew meat because they believe that when you die you are reincarnated as an animal, and they don't want to accidentally turn Uncle Bob into pot roast. My sister, however, is a vegetarian because she wants to irritate me. She denies this is her motivation, but how would she know?
She's visiting me right now, opening my refrigerator and saying things like: "You eat liverwurst? Are you crazy?" I point out that it is a little ironic to accuse me of being the crazy one when she's the person shouting at kitchen appliances. Eventually, she calms down and says that even though I eat meat, she still loves me. I respond that even though she eats twigs, I'm always right about everything.
In spending time with my sister, I've found out several things about vegetarians that I'll relate here because I believe we should all be aware of subversive threats to our survival.
First, there is a difference between a lacto-vegetarian and a lactating vegetarian. My sister is the first kind. She became a little testy with me when I kept telling waitresses that she was the second kind, so if you are out to lunch with a vegetarian, try to avoid this common-sense mistake.
Second, a vegetarian won't eat a BLT because technically bacon is not a vegetable. They won't make exceptions to this even when you rather logically point out that once you've eaten it, you can't see the bacon.
Third, vegetarians get in a really bad mood when all you're trying to do is find out whether, if they were on a desert island with nothing to eat but hamburgers, would they starve or eat a delicious burger, and if that's the case why can't we just go out for a burger now since obviously it's not that important to her.
They also don't like to entertain arguments that under certain situations, pork could be considered a fruit. And when you tell them they're just snippy because they're hungry, they get even more snippy, which if you think about it sort of proves my point.
My sister originally gave up eating meat because she didn't want to have things killed on her behalf, though after about an hour of listening to my comments about it she seems willing to make an exception for me. "Hey," I hooted triumphantly, "you have plants killed all the time on your behalf! What's the difference?"
She was actually able to come up with a few, but I was too busy declaring myself the winner of the debate to pay any attention to her rebuttal.
The next time we went out to lunch, I told the waitress that my sister couldn't eat meat because she was a vegetarian, and I couldn't eat plants because I was a planetarium. The woman had a big laugh at my sister's expense.
Now, if you're reading this and you're a vegetarian, please don't think I'm making fun of you. There must be something to the whole "not killing animals plus it is healthier for you" thing, because otherwise my sister wouldn't do it. I love my sister and respect her opinion about a lot of things, just not roast beef, and will always listen to her carefully so I can make fun of her. And she's a good sport about it, even if she is only a doctor.