Masks off on planes! Spring Break!
The news informs me that people on airplanes cheered when it was announced that the federal mask mandate on planes was lifted. They tore their masks off and whooped for joy, hugging strangers. I remember visiting Iran once during the World Cup when the Iranian soccer team won and everyone mobbed out into the streets to celebrate and all the women tore off their headscarves even though it was against the law.
Fatigue. That's the one-word description of daily life right now as the pandemic ebbs and flows, world war brews, weather catastrophes and mass shootings fall to second-tier news, and the pace of work continues to quicken.
Have I mentioned I hate working in tech and I hate that culture? If one more person calls another shitty thing a "huge opportunity", I'm going to barf. I cannot stand the constant extroverted "rah-rah"-ness of it all. Maybe it's because I'm Gen X and I'm jaded as fuck. It was easy to tolerate remotely (which is probably the only reason I'm still working this job at all), but in the past few weeks as regulations got lifted, I went into the office twice and remembered how inauthentic everyone is. I'm not being "negative"! I'm just telling you the truth nobody else will.
Also, I'm not a public persona. I have no desire to live in public. I do not feel honest and real when I use social media like Twitter and LinkedIn. (And, no, LJ doesn't count--because nobody reads LJ except a few folks from back in the day, which means I am "real" here.) I hate that the modern world forces us to be "brands" and that being public is now an expected professional requirement. I am not that person, and I am not good at being that person. It makes me feel fake. More and more, my job requires me to be a public person, a fucking "leader" (another stupid tech culture trope), and I am feeling worse and worse about it. In four weeks, I will be on a stage at the Mandalay Bay in Vegas as a "celebrity judge" at a ridiculous data visualization game show... and I am only moderately okay at using the product. What a joke. They all know it too.
Speaking of which... the ongoing saga of my tree book: Jesus, what did I get myself into?! The publication date got moved out to Spring 2024 which is sooooo far away. Will I even still be interested in trees by then? Will there even BE any trees left by then? Will I still remember anything about trees enough to pose as an "expert"? I am petrified with anxiety about this project on a daily basis. I honestly don't know if I can deliver. Or, worse yet, what if I deliver something absolutely embarrassingly crappy and then I'll be known for that for the rest of my life? I feel confident writing and researching, but data analysis, horticulture, and illustration are not my things so I am way WAY out of my league. Thank God at least this is a "non-serious" book. What kind of mess would I be in if I was writing something actually serious that I cared about? (Remember when this was a fun project?)
Here's another cool thing that I've chosen to make into an anxiety: my sweet boyfriend. Yes, you heard right, official BOYFRIEND. He is the sweetest, kindest, smartest, hottest, most creative and talented and special guy, and our connection is real and intense. He is confident and he doesn't have commitment issues, unlike pretty much everyone else I've dated. But I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. At the best times, I hear myself thinking, Damn, he deserves so much more than me. Maybe over time, I'll learn to be more secure. Or maybe I'll fuck it up.
And SO THE WORLD TURNS. Until next time. I miss you.
Fatigue. That's the one-word description of daily life right now as the pandemic ebbs and flows, world war brews, weather catastrophes and mass shootings fall to second-tier news, and the pace of work continues to quicken.
Have I mentioned I hate working in tech and I hate that culture? If one more person calls another shitty thing a "huge opportunity", I'm going to barf. I cannot stand the constant extroverted "rah-rah"-ness of it all. Maybe it's because I'm Gen X and I'm jaded as fuck. It was easy to tolerate remotely (which is probably the only reason I'm still working this job at all), but in the past few weeks as regulations got lifted, I went into the office twice and remembered how inauthentic everyone is. I'm not being "negative"! I'm just telling you the truth nobody else will.
Also, I'm not a public persona. I have no desire to live in public. I do not feel honest and real when I use social media like Twitter and LinkedIn. (And, no, LJ doesn't count--because nobody reads LJ except a few folks from back in the day, which means I am "real" here.) I hate that the modern world forces us to be "brands" and that being public is now an expected professional requirement. I am not that person, and I am not good at being that person. It makes me feel fake. More and more, my job requires me to be a public person, a fucking "leader" (another stupid tech culture trope), and I am feeling worse and worse about it. In four weeks, I will be on a stage at the Mandalay Bay in Vegas as a "celebrity judge" at a ridiculous data visualization game show... and I am only moderately okay at using the product. What a joke. They all know it too.
Speaking of which... the ongoing saga of my tree book: Jesus, what did I get myself into?! The publication date got moved out to Spring 2024 which is sooooo far away. Will I even still be interested in trees by then? Will there even BE any trees left by then? Will I still remember anything about trees enough to pose as an "expert"? I am petrified with anxiety about this project on a daily basis. I honestly don't know if I can deliver. Or, worse yet, what if I deliver something absolutely embarrassingly crappy and then I'll be known for that for the rest of my life? I feel confident writing and researching, but data analysis, horticulture, and illustration are not my things so I am way WAY out of my league. Thank God at least this is a "non-serious" book. What kind of mess would I be in if I was writing something actually serious that I cared about? (Remember when this was a fun project?)
Here's another cool thing that I've chosen to make into an anxiety: my sweet boyfriend. Yes, you heard right, official BOYFRIEND. He is the sweetest, kindest, smartest, hottest, most creative and talented and special guy, and our connection is real and intense. He is confident and he doesn't have commitment issues, unlike pretty much everyone else I've dated. But I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. At the best times, I hear myself thinking, Damn, he deserves so much more than me. Maybe over time, I'll learn to be more secure. Or maybe I'll fuck it up.
And SO THE WORLD TURNS. Until next time. I miss you.