I have been sober since August 27th.....three days after my birthday
I am sorry I havent written in a long time. I have been exhaustingly busy. It is a bit sad actually. I have been busy schooling.
I am taking six classes, three of which have group work almost continuously. Three separate groups, with different people in each one. This complicates my schedule because I spend a lot of time commuting from one meeting to another. I recently put a bunch of money onto my campus access card, a little student card that has a balance that can be spent at stores, dorms, for haircuts and other things. My hope is to spend that money at the dorm eating halls so that I don’t have to go back home for dinner. I have used it several times so far and it has been working pretty well so far.
Eating at the dorms isn’t that bad. The food could be a lot worse. Plus, it is kind of fun to meet my friends who live on campus at the dorms for dinner occasionally. All my friends outside the sorority live at Read (a dorm across campus from me…40-45 minute walk) I don’t get to see them very much, and that really upsets me a lot. We used to see each other like three times a week last year. I miss them. I love them. But next semester things will be different.
Classes this past week have been so hectic. I had so many tests, projects, papers…blaaaah. I worked all weekend until like 1030 last night. I finally finished and it felt decent. But this week is still pretty bad, but better than last week. (I am a bit exhausted so I don’t know if im writing really coherently…so sorry if there are ridiculous mistakes in this.) I have a presentation and a test tomorrow. I love how im totally not studying or preparing for either right now. But honestly, I feel like I really need to write. I have spent no time on myself in so long and this is my little vacation. Yay!
Things here are getting better. I dropped two of the groups I belong to because I didn’t have enough time in my schedule. That was a little bit upsetting because it took another outlet to do things with people I like. Sadly enough, I think it sort of helped. I am having loads of trouble balancing things. But I hope when mid-terms are finished with, I can sort of dance through the rest the semester till finals…we will see. I have to do well to make that happen. Haha.
Today, I had an amazing realization. It was the first of its type, and it caught me off guard. Last night, I sent a photo of myself to a boy I have been talking to. Not one of the smashing ones with me all dolled and ready to go out. One that is the COMPLETE opposite of the “going out photos.” (example? Not http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/hargie51/detail?.dir=260f&.dnm=bad3.jpg&.src=ph but http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/hargie51/detail?.dir=ca5c&.dnm=4a99.jpg&.src=ph (me reading with my roommate passed out on me…) or http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/hargie51/detail?.dir=ca5c&.dnm=a2c0.jpg&.src=ph (at the zoo) to the ultimate of ugly: http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/hargie51/detail?.dir=ca5c&.dnm=ff8b.jpg&.src=ph . Yeah, so on to my incredible realization that I had today.
I was walking through the arboretum and I was thinking about giving him the picture. I realized that I have terrible self-esteme about what I look like. Not generally, but I think to strangers, I feel like I am judged. I don’t wear makeup, I don’t put any time into my appearance on a daily basis. Usually, I don’t feel all that badly about not doing anything. But today, as I was walking through the arboretum with my favorite black skirt swishing around my calves, I couldn’t help but that about what people were thinking about me.
It is so rare that I even let an inkling of that flash through my mind. I am normally so confident in that area. But I realized that I am not as barred as I thought. I do care what I look like, sometimes. Now, I thought, perhaps I should start wearing makeup everyday? Or perhaps I should put a little effort into making my hair less of a mane? Or maybe just get have plastic surgery! But I cant be bothered. I feel like I shouldn’t care that much. It is a world-changing realization that I care at all. I never did in the past.
So in summary, I feel as though I am ugly. Just to put it bluntly for you. Now, don’t feel obligated to tell me I am pretty because that makes you a nasty nasty individual. And it wont change my mind the way you think it might. I don’t think im completely unattractive, in fact, there are some parts of me that I find more beautiful than most people. But I don’t think that really changes the feeling I had today. I am not doing the best job of explaining it, but it was really eye-opening for me. It is something I will muse over for a while. I will get back to you if anything interesting comes out from it.
In other news, I has a project due at midnight last night for journalism. I wrote it about my friend from California named Polly. She has had 15 surgeries. It made me thank my lucky stars I haven’t needed surgery. When I compare the time I have spent in the hospital to the time she has spent in the hospital, it makes me so thankful. She spent 3 months in the hospital at the age of 4. I cant imagine that. Thank goodness I wasn’t diagnosed till I was 16. I think I would be completely different had I known I was sick all my life.
I keep thinking about Bob. Bob is my family friend, who was pretty much my grandfather in California, who died right after I left for school. My parents waited to tell me for 3 weeks because they knew I would be so negatively affected. I have only cried about it a few times, but I wish I could have gone to the funeral, or said a REAL goodbye. I saw him 2 days before he died. But I really miss him. I have a recording of an interview I had with him and it makes me sad to listen to it. I wrote him a thank you note for my birthday card and it was sitting on my desk waiting to get sent out. I found it recently and it just tore up my heart. I found out about his death when I felt very alone this year. It was tough because I did not have the type of support I would normally rely on.
Well now I have gotten myself all emotional…
Michelle sent me an amazing gift in a lovely package that I received last night. I miss that girl so much. I miss SCPT like crazy. I was in the library with Jason today and he asked me what SCPT was and it was hard to describe. We have something so indescribable. I cant wait till Friday of Thanksgiving break. I just cant.
Laurel was talking to me last night and asked me out to coffee…so we are going to arrange a phone coffee date. Im so excited. Ill tootle my booty over to starbucks and call her and sit at a table and talk on the phone as she sits in a starbucks in SD. How wonderful is that?! I just cant wait. Hehe. We are ridiculous, but I just love that girl.
I looooooooooove my friendsssssss!! I am really going to try to keep in touch better. I have been baaaad so far. Sadness. Im sorry. I have been amazingly busy, but im gonna put a bit more effort into it.
OK, now it is time for me to start homework and studying. I need to have some decent grades!!!!! Haha. Must work on that…lol. Kisses. I love you!
I am taking six classes, three of which have group work almost continuously. Three separate groups, with different people in each one. This complicates my schedule because I spend a lot of time commuting from one meeting to another. I recently put a bunch of money onto my campus access card, a little student card that has a balance that can be spent at stores, dorms, for haircuts and other things. My hope is to spend that money at the dorm eating halls so that I don’t have to go back home for dinner. I have used it several times so far and it has been working pretty well so far.
Eating at the dorms isn’t that bad. The food could be a lot worse. Plus, it is kind of fun to meet my friends who live on campus at the dorms for dinner occasionally. All my friends outside the sorority live at Read (a dorm across campus from me…40-45 minute walk) I don’t get to see them very much, and that really upsets me a lot. We used to see each other like three times a week last year. I miss them. I love them. But next semester things will be different.
Classes this past week have been so hectic. I had so many tests, projects, papers…blaaaah. I worked all weekend until like 1030 last night. I finally finished and it felt decent. But this week is still pretty bad, but better than last week. (I am a bit exhausted so I don’t know if im writing really coherently…so sorry if there are ridiculous mistakes in this.) I have a presentation and a test tomorrow. I love how im totally not studying or preparing for either right now. But honestly, I feel like I really need to write. I have spent no time on myself in so long and this is my little vacation. Yay!
Things here are getting better. I dropped two of the groups I belong to because I didn’t have enough time in my schedule. That was a little bit upsetting because it took another outlet to do things with people I like. Sadly enough, I think it sort of helped. I am having loads of trouble balancing things. But I hope when mid-terms are finished with, I can sort of dance through the rest the semester till finals…we will see. I have to do well to make that happen. Haha.
Today, I had an amazing realization. It was the first of its type, and it caught me off guard. Last night, I sent a photo of myself to a boy I have been talking to. Not one of the smashing ones with me all dolled and ready to go out. One that is the COMPLETE opposite of the “going out photos.” (example? Not http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/hargie51/detail?.dir=260f&.dnm=bad3.jpg&.src=ph but http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/hargie51/detail?.dir=ca5c&.dnm=4a99.jpg&.src=ph (me reading with my roommate passed out on me…) or http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/hargie51/detail?.dir=ca5c&.dnm=a2c0.jpg&.src=ph (at the zoo) to the ultimate of ugly: http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/hargie51/detail?.dir=ca5c&.dnm=ff8b.jpg&.src=ph . Yeah, so on to my incredible realization that I had today.
I was walking through the arboretum and I was thinking about giving him the picture. I realized that I have terrible self-esteme about what I look like. Not generally, but I think to strangers, I feel like I am judged. I don’t wear makeup, I don’t put any time into my appearance on a daily basis. Usually, I don’t feel all that badly about not doing anything. But today, as I was walking through the arboretum with my favorite black skirt swishing around my calves, I couldn’t help but that about what people were thinking about me.
It is so rare that I even let an inkling of that flash through my mind. I am normally so confident in that area. But I realized that I am not as barred as I thought. I do care what I look like, sometimes. Now, I thought, perhaps I should start wearing makeup everyday? Or perhaps I should put a little effort into making my hair less of a mane? Or maybe just get have plastic surgery! But I cant be bothered. I feel like I shouldn’t care that much. It is a world-changing realization that I care at all. I never did in the past.
So in summary, I feel as though I am ugly. Just to put it bluntly for you. Now, don’t feel obligated to tell me I am pretty because that makes you a nasty nasty individual. And it wont change my mind the way you think it might. I don’t think im completely unattractive, in fact, there are some parts of me that I find more beautiful than most people. But I don’t think that really changes the feeling I had today. I am not doing the best job of explaining it, but it was really eye-opening for me. It is something I will muse over for a while. I will get back to you if anything interesting comes out from it.
In other news, I has a project due at midnight last night for journalism. I wrote it about my friend from California named Polly. She has had 15 surgeries. It made me thank my lucky stars I haven’t needed surgery. When I compare the time I have spent in the hospital to the time she has spent in the hospital, it makes me so thankful. She spent 3 months in the hospital at the age of 4. I cant imagine that. Thank goodness I wasn’t diagnosed till I was 16. I think I would be completely different had I known I was sick all my life.
I keep thinking about Bob. Bob is my family friend, who was pretty much my grandfather in California, who died right after I left for school. My parents waited to tell me for 3 weeks because they knew I would be so negatively affected. I have only cried about it a few times, but I wish I could have gone to the funeral, or said a REAL goodbye. I saw him 2 days before he died. But I really miss him. I have a recording of an interview I had with him and it makes me sad to listen to it. I wrote him a thank you note for my birthday card and it was sitting on my desk waiting to get sent out. I found it recently and it just tore up my heart. I found out about his death when I felt very alone this year. It was tough because I did not have the type of support I would normally rely on.
Well now I have gotten myself all emotional…
Michelle sent me an amazing gift in a lovely package that I received last night. I miss that girl so much. I miss SCPT like crazy. I was in the library with Jason today and he asked me what SCPT was and it was hard to describe. We have something so indescribable. I cant wait till Friday of Thanksgiving break. I just cant.
Laurel was talking to me last night and asked me out to coffee…so we are going to arrange a phone coffee date. Im so excited. Ill tootle my booty over to starbucks and call her and sit at a table and talk on the phone as she sits in a starbucks in SD. How wonderful is that?! I just cant wait. Hehe. We are ridiculous, but I just love that girl.
I looooooooooove my friendsssssss!! I am really going to try to keep in touch better. I have been baaaad so far. Sadness. Im sorry. I have been amazingly busy, but im gonna put a bit more effort into it.
OK, now it is time for me to start homework and studying. I need to have some decent grades!!!!! Haha. Must work on that…lol. Kisses. I love you!