Dear Lindsay
3:13 AM: Dear Lindsay. I know you just had a baby, and pregnancy cravings, they can last a while, right? Like, post-labor, right? I mean I don't know, I'm not a doctor quite yet. Not that I've been bumming around at home for 18 months after graduating with not so much as a night shift at 7-Eleven, no not me. Though I'd like to say that if, if that were true of me, it wouldn't necessarily make me a dead-beat, right? I mean you and I, we're not judgers, right? Anyway, all I'm gonna say, lay off the breadsticks. Serve 'em to that blonde across the net, she looks like she could use a meal. All I'm gonna say. Not judging!
3:31 AM: Dearest Lindsay. So, my DVR did this really weird thing where it skipped the last few games of the second set, shortly after they showed that photo of your kid. His head is really big, what's up with that? Right so the DVR skipped out and I come back after peeling my cat off the basement curtains and find that your serve's been broken. What gives? I thought you were trying to, like, win? I mean I know she's the #3 player and all and this is your first grand slam match since '06 and you're a MOMMYOMGCOOL!!1 but you do realize that this upsets me, right? You don't want that, I don't want that. Nobody wants that! This is not abortion rights or pizza toppings or Stewart v Colbert here. This is cut and dry. Please me!!!
3:53 AM: Bitch, look. If you're going to lose, can you at least lose on her serve? Can you do that for me? Am I asking for a lot? Am I asking for a friggin' porsche or something here?
1:01 PM: Miss Davenport. Kindly excuse the nasty messages in your voicemail. There is officially no more alcohol left in the entire town, so you don't have to worry, there won't be any more calls. Also, um, have you replaced your tires lately? They recommend you do that every now and then. Just randomly, no real reason, I mean it's not like anyone would be juvenile enough to slash your tires or anything. Right, safety first! Think of the (large-headed) children.
It should be noted that with this match, despite the fact that it was a complete failure of the empire's pre-established goals loss, Lindsay Davenport is now the highest-earning female athlete in all of sporty-sportdom evar. She overtakes Steffi Graf, who overtook Martina N. Seriously, tennis has the most important female athletes if milestones are your thing. She was also just two away from having held the #1 spot for 100 weeks. I know she probably won't be able to add to that now, but ... that's what'll make hoping for it all the more fun.
3:31 AM: Dearest Lindsay. So, my DVR did this really weird thing where it skipped the last few games of the second set, shortly after they showed that photo of your kid. His head is really big, what's up with that? Right so the DVR skipped out and I come back after peeling my cat off the basement curtains and find that your serve's been broken. What gives? I thought you were trying to, like, win? I mean I know she's the #3 player and all and this is your first grand slam match since '06 and you're a MOMMYOMGCOOL!!1 but you do realize that this upsets me, right? You don't want that, I don't want that. Nobody wants that! This is not abortion rights or pizza toppings or Stewart v Colbert here. This is cut and dry. Please me!!!
3:53 AM: Bitch, look. If you're going to lose, can you at least lose on her serve? Can you do that for me? Am I asking for a lot? Am I asking for a friggin' porsche or something here?
1:01 PM: Miss Davenport. Kindly excuse the nasty messages in your voicemail. There is officially no more alcohol left in the entire town, so you don't have to worry, there won't be any more calls. Also, um, have you replaced your tires lately? They recommend you do that every now and then. Just randomly, no real reason, I mean it's not like anyone would be juvenile enough to slash your tires or anything. Right, safety first! Think of the (large-headed) children.
It should be noted that with this match, despite the fact that it was a complete failure of the empire's pre-established goals loss, Lindsay Davenport is now the highest-earning female athlete in all of sporty-sportdom evar. She overtakes Steffi Graf, who overtook Martina N. Seriously, tennis has the most important female athletes if milestones are your thing. She was also just two away from having held the #1 spot for 100 weeks. I know she probably won't be able to add to that now, but ... that's what'll make hoping for it all the more fun.