invoking guidance
This new year's eve and again on new year's day I held the hand of a person, a dear friend's mother, on her last days on this earth.
Unable to speak, life barely flickers in her.
Her family blocked from having any emotional connection with her due to conflicts and resentment built over the years.
And I, an intruder, an outsider, and able to reach and hold on to her.
She squeezed hand for what seemed like forever and did not let go. I did not know what to say to her. I told her that we are all coming sooner or later and all else is an illusion. I told her that her life mattered and that she has beautiful children and grandchildren. I told her that I do not know exactly what I believe in, that my belief is a process and never expect it to end, but that I am sure that we are cared for, and that the source of light is out there. I tried to tell her that. I tried to tell her that in her life as a nurse she has given a lot of love and she has made an impact. I did not know what to say to her.
On my way there the second day I was able to come out of myself for a moment, and see the broader image. It is not my right to have the connection with their mother in this moment. I am not allowed to revel in this vanity. At the very last moment I called R for help, for spiritual guidance. I always do.
My task is, if I am allowed, to help create the space in which they, the children, can find it possible to stop quarreling and start giving their mother the respect and space and support she needs.
Nobody is ever ready for this type of hardship or challenge. I am privileged to be a part of it and to be trusted to be in the middle of my friend's family and I have to allow those spirits who can help to speak through me in this moment.
I do not know if I lived up to it. I know that they all appreciated my presence but I wish I could be wiser, more compassionate, more patient.
Unable to speak, life barely flickers in her.
Her family blocked from having any emotional connection with her due to conflicts and resentment built over the years.
And I, an intruder, an outsider, and able to reach and hold on to her.
She squeezed hand for what seemed like forever and did not let go. I did not know what to say to her. I told her that we are all coming sooner or later and all else is an illusion. I told her that her life mattered and that she has beautiful children and grandchildren. I told her that I do not know exactly what I believe in, that my belief is a process and never expect it to end, but that I am sure that we are cared for, and that the source of light is out there. I tried to tell her that. I tried to tell her that in her life as a nurse she has given a lot of love and she has made an impact. I did not know what to say to her.
On my way there the second day I was able to come out of myself for a moment, and see the broader image. It is not my right to have the connection with their mother in this moment. I am not allowed to revel in this vanity. At the very last moment I called R for help, for spiritual guidance. I always do.
My task is, if I am allowed, to help create the space in which they, the children, can find it possible to stop quarreling and start giving their mother the respect and space and support she needs.
Nobody is ever ready for this type of hardship or challenge. I am privileged to be a part of it and to be trusted to be in the middle of my friend's family and I have to allow those spirits who can help to speak through me in this moment.
I do not know if I lived up to it. I know that they all appreciated my presence but I wish I could be wiser, more compassionate, more patient.