I Can't Tell If Today Was Good Or Bad
I've been kicking around ideas of things that I want to make known all day. So, here we are.
I want a lot of things. Everybody does, humans are greedy. But, I figured out what I do not want today. I do not want to do anything. I'm in college right now, an in-between state, the dress rehearsal for real life, if you will. And I am /sucking/ at this dress rehearsal, guys. I realize that real life won't be anything like this, but all this work, these classes. I don't really get why I'm here. I don't get what I'm doing here, and I definitely do not have a clear goal ahead. And honestly, it's hard for me to struggle like this without something nice and satisfactory at the end of it, for me. I am most definitely a rewards kind of person, and these classes are not giving me the feeling of accomplishment that I'm going for. Now, please understand, I know how much easier life is if you have even a Bachelor's degree. My mother was sure to pound that piece of info into me. But that's too far away, and these unsatisfactory classes are bogging me down in work that I neither enjoy nor care about. An exception is my History class. I love that class, I love that Professor, and I love every single second that I spend in that class. I wish he would teach me everything he knows. And because of that, I work hard. I study my ass off for every test, and I read the hell out of all the assigned readings. Because I want him(boy professor) to be proud of me, and I want him to see just how much he is getting through to me. I want this man to see the fruits of his labor, and for that, I will work. For a paycheck, I will work. For the happiness or well being of a friend, I will work. But I just can't seem to find that drive for any of my other classes.
I'm afraid of being ordinary. I want to be a gem in this life, I want to be a special snowflake. I want to stick in people's memories, so that when they think of me, They will think of someone extraordinary. My school should not be a means to that end, but I'm pretty sure that is my mentality right now. I'm studying so I can make a life for myself. I'm study skills that will impress others. I'm nothing but a peacock. But, as the first paragraph pointed out, the classes that I'm taking now, which are mostly core classes, don't interest me in the least, so I could not care less about them. I'm assuming, hoping really, that this will all change once I start taking classes that interest me. I know for a fact that I will sit through every single one of my Russian classes, happy to be there, because learning Russian is so monumentally important to me. Linguistics? The nuances and graces of my language? That sounds so cool. And that's why I'm majoring in it. It sounds like something that would thrill me, and I am hoping that it does. I want to take Spanish classes too, and get my ass fluent in that so that ALL my family can be proud of me. And accessible. I want to visit Russia and Honduras and live with them. There are more practical languages that i could learn, French or Japanese, but I don't want to do the practical thing. I want to do the thing that is emotionally charged and sentimental to me. Screw the practical. The practical is boring. But that isn't the world we live it, unfortunately. And I'm afraid that I'm not fit for the reality I'm in.
Actually, that was not what I had in mind at all. I was going to talk of love, friends, and ownership. School is just on my mind a lot, because Being Good At School is a skill that I lack, and it makes me feel inadequate. I really don't think I should be here, but I have no idea where I would go.
I want a lot of things. Everybody does, humans are greedy. But, I figured out what I do not want today. I do not want to do anything. I'm in college right now, an in-between state, the dress rehearsal for real life, if you will. And I am /sucking/ at this dress rehearsal, guys. I realize that real life won't be anything like this, but all this work, these classes. I don't really get why I'm here. I don't get what I'm doing here, and I definitely do not have a clear goal ahead. And honestly, it's hard for me to struggle like this without something nice and satisfactory at the end of it, for me. I am most definitely a rewards kind of person, and these classes are not giving me the feeling of accomplishment that I'm going for. Now, please understand, I know how much easier life is if you have even a Bachelor's degree. My mother was sure to pound that piece of info into me. But that's too far away, and these unsatisfactory classes are bogging me down in work that I neither enjoy nor care about. An exception is my History class. I love that class, I love that Professor, and I love every single second that I spend in that class. I wish he would teach me everything he knows. And because of that, I work hard. I study my ass off for every test, and I read the hell out of all the assigned readings. Because I want him(boy professor) to be proud of me, and I want him to see just how much he is getting through to me. I want this man to see the fruits of his labor, and for that, I will work. For a paycheck, I will work. For the happiness or well being of a friend, I will work. But I just can't seem to find that drive for any of my other classes.
I'm afraid of being ordinary. I want to be a gem in this life, I want to be a special snowflake. I want to stick in people's memories, so that when they think of me, They will think of someone extraordinary. My school should not be a means to that end, but I'm pretty sure that is my mentality right now. I'm studying so I can make a life for myself. I'm study skills that will impress others. I'm nothing but a peacock. But, as the first paragraph pointed out, the classes that I'm taking now, which are mostly core classes, don't interest me in the least, so I could not care less about them. I'm assuming, hoping really, that this will all change once I start taking classes that interest me. I know for a fact that I will sit through every single one of my Russian classes, happy to be there, because learning Russian is so monumentally important to me. Linguistics? The nuances and graces of my language? That sounds so cool. And that's why I'm majoring in it. It sounds like something that would thrill me, and I am hoping that it does. I want to take Spanish classes too, and get my ass fluent in that so that ALL my family can be proud of me. And accessible. I want to visit Russia and Honduras and live with them. There are more practical languages that i could learn, French or Japanese, but I don't want to do the practical thing. I want to do the thing that is emotionally charged and sentimental to me. Screw the practical. The practical is boring. But that isn't the world we live it, unfortunately. And I'm afraid that I'm not fit for the reality I'm in.
Actually, that was not what I had in mind at all. I was going to talk of love, friends, and ownership. School is just on my mind a lot, because Being Good At School is a skill that I lack, and it makes me feel inadequate. I really don't think I should be here, but I have no idea where I would go.