Finally...
... I have seen the light.
It took a long time for me to understand this, but now I can freely admit that this fandom, moderate, open-minded and smart as it is, has allowed to reach a new comprehension of Harry Potter. And so I decided to attempt a re-write of Deathly Hallows that would bring the series to the satisfying end it so gravely lacked, and with a firm intention of sending this to Bloomsbury, along with the following explanatory note : Harry Potter and its characters no longer belong to JK Rowling. They belong to the fans who paid for her shit! By right of wankery, she should hand them over to us, have her fingers crushed by boulders and her tongue torn out with red-hot tweezers.
Dedicated to the folks at anti_hg, even though they're totally not watching - because in this cruel, cruel world it's good to know there are still some class acts around.
Chapter I - The Thing We All Agree On
Ginny Weasley died. Who cares how it happened, the important thing is that she was DEAD. FOREVER.
Her epitaph read: “Here lies a stupid, cruel, bullying, bratty, no-good slut-ho who boinked half of Hogwarts and set feminism back 30,000 years because all she ever did was a Bat-Bogey Hex and she has no powerful magic, in fact she’s just like a ditzy cheerleader who gets all the attention without deserving it.”
No one missed her at all and she became an example of what NOT to do for proper young ladies in schools all over the United States, even though she was English.
Chapter II - The Deathly Hallows
There was a wedding or something and then Harry, Hermione and Ron set out to find the Hallows or horcruxes or whatever and they started having a bunch of adventures and stuff.
Chapter III - In the Tent
One night, Harry, Hermione and Ron were done having an adventure and they were bored. Ron suddenly stood up and said, “Screw this! I’m jealous of you guys and I’m a fucking coward so I’ll just go away right now!”
He left and was never seen again.
“I fancy a cup of tea,” said Harry to
Hermione.
Then they had lots of hot yet platonic yet raunchy yet chaste sex. (INSERT PORN SCENE OF YOUR CHOICE HERE)
And the WB screenwriters were heard cheering in the distance because they just knew that Dan and Emma’s chemistry on screen would bring in the bucks.
Chapter IV - A Man with a Plan
Meanwhile, at Voldemort’s manor, the soulful tyrant was pondering on the mysteries of life, gently stroking his copy of The Sorrows of Young Werther. In his heart raged the storms of torment, and all of a sudden he took his wallet out of his robes and opened it to reveal a small picture of his dear mother. Oh, how he had wept over it at that dark, cold orphanage! Oh, how he had called out into the night when Aunt Reed had locked him in the red room when he had recalled all he had been through!
“Tis too much for one man to take!” he cried out. “Oh, I shall kill Harry Potter and show the wizarding world the price they have to pay for mistreating their children and not giving the poor and oppressed a second chance!”
There was a small knock on the door and Bellatrix entered, her face drawn with concern. Oh, how she loved that grave, handsome man with the smooth, sexy snake face! She would do anything for him, even give her life. “My lord, if I can be of help…” she said, bowing her neck gracefully.
“Dear Bellatrix…” Lord Voldemort rasped, holding out his hand to her. “You are my only comfort in these troubled times.”
“Nothing will keep us apart!” Bellatrix cried, running to him. “Marriage is an overrated institution only good for fat housewives, and I see no reason why a liberated woman like me couldn’t enjoy her sensuality!”
(INSERT PORN SCENE OF YOUR CHOICE HERE)
Chapter V - Shaving the Beard
That morning at the breakfast table, Tonks had some big news for her husband. “I’m pregnant,” she told Remus with a grin.
Remus glared at her. “Bitch, that’s so 1920s! Don’t you know having kids is only something our parents did? Get with the women’s lib, girlfriend.”
Tonks was flabbergast. “Aren’t you pleased? I thought that it was the next natural step after we married…”
“I only married you because I miss my dead lover, who happens to be your cousin,” Remus replied, a longing look in his eyes.
(INSERT FLASHBACK PORN SCENE OF YOUR CHOICE HERE)
“But - but what am I going to do with the baby?” Tonks asked, dismayed.
“Don’t know, don’t care!”
And Remus stepped out the door and Tonks was never heard of again.
Chapter VI - The Battle of Hogwarts
When Harry and Hermione were done retrieving all the horcrux or Hallows or whatever and destroying them, they went back to Hogwarts and there was a big battle and a bunch of people died.
Chapter VII - Harry Avoids Jail
When he got to Ravenclaw tower, Harry found one of the Deatheaters mistreating McGonagall and decided to do something. "Hey you!" he called. "Stop that right now!"
He was about to cast an Unforgiveable spell when a voice inside his head told him it was wrong, and that only cool people who were sexy and evil and full of hott Slytherfen magicke were allowed to use those spells and sexily rape other people and do sexy evil stuff and get away with it. So instead he gave the Deatheater a stinging slap behind the head and the man shrank back. "Sorry! I promise I won't do it again!" he said, and Harry forgave him.
Chapter VIII - The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
Everyone was in the Great Hall fighting their best when all of a sudden a great resounding crash was heard. They all turned around and saw Severus Snape battling a hoard of giants - but how could this be? He was evil!
His spells were so strong and powerful that the giants all fell at a wave of his wand, and no one seemed to be able to defeate him. His handsome face was accentuated with exhilaration, and his silky black hair were flowing in the wind. Voldemort snarled and decided he should take care of the Potions Master himself.
“Arg, Severus, how could you betray me?”
“Because I am the Sacred Wielder of the Card Captor Sceptre!” Snape cried, throwing back his robes to reveal a black leather cat-suit espousing his manly forms. And in a flash of dazzling, sparkling light, his wand extended and became like pure gold and threw a round of terrific, glowing bolts of lightning everywhere.
“I summon Chtulu the Powerful to fell you!” Voldemort bellowed, and a huge demon came down from the sky, breathing fire and creating magnetic force fields with his claws.
It took three more summoned demons before Snape was defeated at last, blown away by a hurricane of liquid mercury. The entire Great Hall fell silent as the mighty warrior fell to his knees and slumped to the ground.
“Harry…” he breathed, beckoning to him. “I love Hermione, and Lily, and Lily loved me and not James and you're our secret son and I love you too. I’m just a smoopsy-pie, actually. It was all a disguiiiiiiise...”
Everyone burst out crying. The greatest man ever known to mankind had just passed away, and Harry felt like a real asshole for his mistake, and couldn’t believe he had ever thought Snape was a bastard.
Chapter IX - Lovers Reunited
Meanwhile the battle raged on.
“Avada Kedavra!”
Remus hit the floor and was suddenly surrounded by a halo of golden light. He knew he was dead, yet he felt more alive than he ever had before. Touching his face, he realised that it wasn’t wrinkled and scared as before, but smooth and heart-shaped, and his hair fell in soft bangs on his forehead, and he was wearing a Japanese school uniform that only vaguely looked like the one he used to wear at Hogwarts.
“Remus! You’re back, chu! Kawai! Now we can be together forever at last!”
And he saw Sirius running towards him, a smile gracing his smooth, heart-shaped face, his hair falling in soft black bangs on his forehead. He was wearing a Japanese school uniform that complimented his wide shoulders and tiny waist.
“Oh, my dearest darling,” Remus breathed, “I never did forget you, nor all the moments we shared. Let a rain of kisses fall from your gentle lips to mine!”
(INSERT PORN SCENE OF YOUR CHOICE HERE)
Chapter X - The Confession
“Avada Kedavra!”
Harry hit the floor and when he opened his eyes he was in Kings’ Cross station, sitting next to Dumbledore. A weird foetus thing was crying in a corner.
“Can’t we help it?” Harry asked.
“Of course we can!” Dumbledore said. “I think I’ll just go back and ruin the space-time continuum and the ending of this book so that Voldemort can be good, not evil, because in fact everything was my fault, not his.”
“What are you saying?”
Dumbledore sighed. “What I’m saying is… I’m gay. I loved Gellert Grindlewald. And Lucius Malfoy is the secret MPREG child I had from him.”
Harry couldn’t believe his ears. “You’re gay? Are you serious? And all this time you never hit on men, or talked openly about your sexuality in front of the entire school, or acted like a queen, or showed me gay porn from your Pensive, or encouraged Remus and Sirius’s gay relationship?”
“I know, I know. I am full of failings. I should’ve accepted being Minister of Magic to promote gay rights, but I was too afraid!”
“So you preferred to hide your sexual orientation and ruin the message of the entire series and encourage gay hate? Now everyone is going to think only Nazis are homosexual!”
“You have every right to despise me, Harry - perhaps your relationship with Draco would not have suffered so without my cowardice. But your generation can still change things, if you decide to go back.”
And so Harry did.
Chapter XI - The Resolving of the Plot
When Harry came back, all the Weasleys had died, including Molly who had suffered a heart attack after trying to run after Bellatrix, and it was later found out that her arteries were totally clogged with fat because all she did all day was stuff her face and watch Oprah just like every housewife there is, and besides popping out so many kids can’t be good for your health.
Bellatrix was now tending Voldemort’s wounds. “Oh, my sweet, sweet love! Please don’t die!”
“Don’t worry, I’ve decided to spare him,” Harry said. “Everyone deserves a second chance!”
And Bellatrix and Voldemort lived happily ever after with no kids AT ALL, and Bellatrix continued her awesome career of killing and torturing and served as an empowering example to follow for proper young ladies in schools all over the United States, even though she was English.
Epilogue - Nineteen Years Later
Harry and Hermione had two boys called John and Al and a girl called Jayne. It was September 1st and they were taking them to Kings’ Cross station.
“Oh boy, I hope I’ll be sorted in Slytherin just like my brother!” Al said.
“Just make sure you’re not sorted in Gryffindor,” Harry said. “Because Gryffindors are dumb jocks and it’s much better to be a scene pseudo-intellectual with wire-rim glasses and a tendency to use dry sarcasm like a disease. And besides, if you’re in Slytherin, you’ll get to hang out with all the cool magicke aristocrats who are very rich and have sex all the time.”
Suddenly, on the other side of the platform, Al caught the eye of another boy. It was Draco’s son Scorpius. Draco was wearing tight leather pants and his hair was falling in soft blond bangs on his forehead - he winked at Harry who winked back. Hermione noticed but wasn’t bothered with it because she was still willing to selflessly sacrifice everything for the only man she had ever loved.
Draco’s son was also very handsome and Al fell in love with him instantly. Fortunately that wasn’t a problem at Hogwarts anymore because the new Headmaster was openly gay and the wizarding world now accepted same-sex marriages because there wasn’t a Minister anymore but a anarcho-communal system of government. Scorpius smiled at Al and decided that they should definitely get acquainted during the train ride.
(INSERT PORN SCENE OF YOUR CHOICE HERE)
All was well.
THE END