(no subject)
its really over. after everything weve been through its done. wow im just still in a daze im not gunna put down everything dat happened here cuz it aint no one elses buisness but to make it clear .. he hurt me like crazii .. i found out it he didnt mean it .. he had a horrible nite and I KNOW that wen he is angry he seys shyt he doesnt NOT mean .. so i foudn that out .. and a whole bunch of stuff .. but basically he was like
"i love her so much and i know ive been a shytty boyfriend and if not being wit me is gunna make her happi den im gunna let her go. i just want her to be happy. i love her so much. Its my fault and i know it i fucked up and i hurt her so many times and through EVERYTHING she stuck with me , i guess i just pushed her too far. Im gunna always be her frend. Im never gunan leave her like that. I just want her to be happy"
after hearing that i broke down and cryed for FIVE hours .. hysterically. i could not breathe. I called him afterwards. We talked. we both cryed our eyes out. we sed our goodbyes . we know it just doesnt work with us. i love him more then my own life and if i culd give up my life just to make us stay together and BE HAPPY i would.. but it doesnt work. it was so hard to sey goodbye. i jus kept cryin. so did he. afterwards i was gunna hang up the phone. and i was so scared. cuz i knew as soon as i hung up that was it. it was over. its the hardest thing ive ever had to do. it took me a long time. but i did it. and wen i sed goodbye. he sed ONE. and so i was like ONE. we always promised we wuld never sey goodbye to eachother. i was ok. spent the day cryiin a lil but just relaxin kind of not htinking bout it. he was a mess. i hate tha fact that hes hurting. irather take all the pain rather then him hurt at all. i was online. he imed me . asked me to work it out wit him. told me he culd fix it. he needs me . he will die without me. im making a mistake.i dont want this. This is everything he sed to me. and it broke my heart completely. i love him so much. that kind of i cant breathe cant sleep cant eat the thought of u makes me smile i rather die den fo u too feel pain i wanna have ur kids kind of l o v e . he made it so hard for me. so very hard. im just hysterical crying rite now. i hate this. THIS IS SO FUCKING HARD!!! I FUCKING HATE IT!! ITS NOT FAIR!! WHY THE FUCK CAN U LOVE SOMEONE MORE THEN YOUR OWN LIFE AND STILL NOT BE ABLE TO WORK THINGS OUT WIT THEM!!!!!!!!! THIS IS SO FUCCIN HORRIBLE!!! I HATE THIS!!!!! the pain is immense. its just consuming me. but i know that it will eventually heal. i know im everything to him. as is he to me. but all we do is hurt eachother. sure if we get back together we will both try verii hard and things will be ok for about one month. then it will be the same thing over again. and then it will be harder to seperate. i just hold onto the idea that "if it is meant to be then it will happen". if alex and i are meant to be then in the end we will find eachotehr and be together. but rite now im tired of hurting. im tired of him hurting me. im tired of hurting him. i never thought i culd feel love so deeply. and care for sum1 so much. our love is so strong that our hearts beat as one. every time i took a breath i wuld take one .. and then take another jsut for him. weve been through everything together. there is no one who could ever take his place. oo god it just keeps hurting and the tears wont stop. i cant do this anymore .. im just gunan go to sleep..i need to be brave.. no matter how much i love him i need to think about me for once. what makes bianca happy. what will make my life better. this is it. leaving him and finding time for me. no one else just ME. im out for now.
its the end of an era.
the end of a chapter in my life.
5/14/02-2/21/04
the love that we shared could [NEVER] be erased
In the beginning . . .
"i love her so much and i know ive been a shytty boyfriend and if not being wit me is gunna make her happi den im gunna let her go. i just want her to be happy. i love her so much. Its my fault and i know it i fucked up and i hurt her so many times and through EVERYTHING she stuck with me , i guess i just pushed her too far. Im gunna always be her frend. Im never gunan leave her like that. I just want her to be happy"
after hearing that i broke down and cryed for FIVE hours .. hysterically. i could not breathe. I called him afterwards. We talked. we both cryed our eyes out. we sed our goodbyes . we know it just doesnt work with us. i love him more then my own life and if i culd give up my life just to make us stay together and BE HAPPY i would.. but it doesnt work. it was so hard to sey goodbye. i jus kept cryin. so did he. afterwards i was gunna hang up the phone. and i was so scared. cuz i knew as soon as i hung up that was it. it was over. its the hardest thing ive ever had to do. it took me a long time. but i did it. and wen i sed goodbye. he sed ONE. and so i was like ONE. we always promised we wuld never sey goodbye to eachother. i was ok. spent the day cryiin a lil but just relaxin kind of not htinking bout it. he was a mess. i hate tha fact that hes hurting. irather take all the pain rather then him hurt at all. i was online. he imed me . asked me to work it out wit him. told me he culd fix it. he needs me . he will die without me. im making a mistake.i dont want this. This is everything he sed to me. and it broke my heart completely. i love him so much. that kind of i cant breathe cant sleep cant eat the thought of u makes me smile i rather die den fo u too feel pain i wanna have ur kids kind of l o v e . he made it so hard for me. so very hard. im just hysterical crying rite now. i hate this. THIS IS SO FUCKING HARD!!! I FUCKING HATE IT!! ITS NOT FAIR!! WHY THE FUCK CAN U LOVE SOMEONE MORE THEN YOUR OWN LIFE AND STILL NOT BE ABLE TO WORK THINGS OUT WIT THEM!!!!!!!!! THIS IS SO FUCCIN HORRIBLE!!! I HATE THIS!!!!! the pain is immense. its just consuming me. but i know that it will eventually heal. i know im everything to him. as is he to me. but all we do is hurt eachother. sure if we get back together we will both try verii hard and things will be ok for about one month. then it will be the same thing over again. and then it will be harder to seperate. i just hold onto the idea that "if it is meant to be then it will happen". if alex and i are meant to be then in the end we will find eachotehr and be together. but rite now im tired of hurting. im tired of him hurting me. im tired of hurting him. i never thought i culd feel love so deeply. and care for sum1 so much. our love is so strong that our hearts beat as one. every time i took a breath i wuld take one .. and then take another jsut for him. weve been through everything together. there is no one who could ever take his place. oo god it just keeps hurting and the tears wont stop. i cant do this anymore .. im just gunan go to sleep..i need to be brave.. no matter how much i love him i need to think about me for once. what makes bianca happy. what will make my life better. this is it. leaving him and finding time for me. no one else just ME. im out for now.
its the end of an era.
the end of a chapter in my life.
5/14/02-2/21/04
the love that we shared could [NEVER] be erased
In the beginning . . .