(no subject)
I keep coming over to the computer room with two things in mind, one is to write on here and the other is to begin to compile all the notes and interviews and bollocks into something closely resembling a first class dissertation. Well, I've finally got as far as posting on here; exactly why I'm not sure of, but I'm posting nonetheless.
So, life....yeah. I'm bored. Restless. Not in a "I have nothing to do" kind of way, because I have plenty of things to keep myself occupied.
I was trying to work out yesterday how long it has been since I last did something new - actually new - for the very first time. Fact is, I can't remember. I'm not saying this in a "hey, look how depressing my life is" kind of way - not at all, I'm happy....very happy. But I don't feel as though I'm challenging myself. I went through a phase a few years ago of following that "wear Sunscreen" song to the letter
"do one thing everyday that scares you"
I didn't do anything scary today. Not even a little bit.
I'm not the worlds biggest worrier by any means (Pete will back me up on that) but I worry a lot that I'm letting my life go stale; wasting my youth; abandoning my potential by slipping into comfort zones and letting life just flow over me. I worry about that a lot.
I spent the last two weeks down in Southampton with the most important person in my life; we met at the tender age of 10 and when we're together its as though nobody else exists. She's just had a baby. She's spent the last two and a half years with a man that abuses her mentally and physically and having the baby opened her eyes as to how that is not the father she wants for her son. Genetically she's obviously a little stuck but she's finally made the move and got him out of her life in a big way. I was a part of that. I'm not boasting about this you understand, its just the relationship that we have allows me to speak honestly to her and make her see sense. I put the deposit down on a flat and she moved in yesterday. Thats her life.
One thing she told me whilst I was there was that her life is so serious - often mundane - because of the baby, the relationship, her finances - but when I was there it wasn't like that, I made her laugh, gave her the time to herself to have a bath and relax, to get a good nights sleep and therefore the freedom to enjoy being a mum. When I left I felt like I was walking back to a life where nobody needs me, where my only reason to ever get up in the morning is purely selfish. I don't like my degree. Anyone who has talked to me in the last few months will know that. Its the hardest part of my life to just drag my self out of bed to get to a meeting or a lecture. If I manage it, its for someone elses benefit, not mine.
How miserable do I sound?
But its ok, because its just the "Bretton's Empty Blues" and it will go away as soon as there are people here and as soon as I have important things to do.
By the way, if I haven't already mentioned it - The*Ga*Ga*s - I'm shamefully addicted. It's true love. I just know it is.
So, life....yeah. I'm bored. Restless. Not in a "I have nothing to do" kind of way, because I have plenty of things to keep myself occupied.
I was trying to work out yesterday how long it has been since I last did something new - actually new - for the very first time. Fact is, I can't remember. I'm not saying this in a "hey, look how depressing my life is" kind of way - not at all, I'm happy....very happy. But I don't feel as though I'm challenging myself. I went through a phase a few years ago of following that "wear Sunscreen" song to the letter
"do one thing everyday that scares you"
I didn't do anything scary today. Not even a little bit.
I'm not the worlds biggest worrier by any means (Pete will back me up on that) but I worry a lot that I'm letting my life go stale; wasting my youth; abandoning my potential by slipping into comfort zones and letting life just flow over me. I worry about that a lot.
I spent the last two weeks down in Southampton with the most important person in my life; we met at the tender age of 10 and when we're together its as though nobody else exists. She's just had a baby. She's spent the last two and a half years with a man that abuses her mentally and physically and having the baby opened her eyes as to how that is not the father she wants for her son. Genetically she's obviously a little stuck but she's finally made the move and got him out of her life in a big way. I was a part of that. I'm not boasting about this you understand, its just the relationship that we have allows me to speak honestly to her and make her see sense. I put the deposit down on a flat and she moved in yesterday. Thats her life.
One thing she told me whilst I was there was that her life is so serious - often mundane - because of the baby, the relationship, her finances - but when I was there it wasn't like that, I made her laugh, gave her the time to herself to have a bath and relax, to get a good nights sleep and therefore the freedom to enjoy being a mum. When I left I felt like I was walking back to a life where nobody needs me, where my only reason to ever get up in the morning is purely selfish. I don't like my degree. Anyone who has talked to me in the last few months will know that. Its the hardest part of my life to just drag my self out of bed to get to a meeting or a lecture. If I manage it, its for someone elses benefit, not mine.
How miserable do I sound?
But its ok, because its just the "Bretton's Empty Blues" and it will go away as soon as there are people here and as soon as I have important things to do.
By the way, if I haven't already mentioned it - The*Ga*Ga*s - I'm shamefully addicted. It's true love. I just know it is.