A year in review
So a year has passed. I have made it a year. It was an anniversary I never wanted.
The week leading up my brain was in over drive. Going over everything. The day of, the days before, the days after, and the year and the firsts. Hindsight is always 20/20 of course. There was nothing I could do. If it wasn't that day it would have been another day. The next day, the next month, the next year. He was not destined to grow old. He had a life that meant he wasn't going to grow old.
I am blessed to have had him in my life for as long as I did. I have been trying hard not to be hard on myself, and some of that will come with time. The If only's will fade with time. I hope that he had a better life having known me. And I know he made me a better person because I knew him. I am a stronger person having known him. I hope that I can leave a legacy behind worthy of him.
I know in the last year I have done a lot of reevaluating of myself, and my life. I have made a lot of changes. Changes of priorities. I have done a lot of growing up. I have never felt more grown up than I do at this very moment. I lost friends, I gained friends, I solidified friendships that I had. And I am much more grateful for the people in my life now. But I am much less tolerant of people than I used to be, but oh so much more tolerant than I ever used to be.
I have boundaries that never existed before, and I enforce them. I have learned the value of my sanctuary. And guard it fiercely. Rob was my protector. He never wanted to see me hurt. Well now I need to be that protector, I don't need anyone to do that for me. I can ask for help, but I don't need anyone to look after me. I can do that myself.
I don't need a relationship. I may find one, one day, but today is not that day. And if and when I do, they will accept me for who I am, and what I am, uncompromisingly. As Rob did. They will not be compared to Rob, because he was Rob, and no one can compare to Rob. They will be who ever they will be.
He will always be a part of me. I will always love him. ALWAYS! But I am moving forward. I am building a life without him. As much as it hurts. He is not a part of my future. He is a part of my thoughts, and I think of him constantly, and I wonder what he would think of the way I'm doing things, but I have to do what I think is best for me. I will never forget him. And I would never do anything to deliberately dishonour him.
This is my life. We are no longer Rob and Meaghan. It is just Meaghan. And I am slowly figuring out who she is. Who she wants to be. Rob's story is over. It was a great story, with a tragic ending. But mine isn't. At the moment it is still a bit of a sad story as I continue to navigate the grief and the mourning. The grief will never go away, it will soften, the mourning will. But I will always grieve for Rob, but I will get to a place where it won't be so intense. I'm still evolving. And I hope I never stop.
The week leading up my brain was in over drive. Going over everything. The day of, the days before, the days after, and the year and the firsts. Hindsight is always 20/20 of course. There was nothing I could do. If it wasn't that day it would have been another day. The next day, the next month, the next year. He was not destined to grow old. He had a life that meant he wasn't going to grow old.
I am blessed to have had him in my life for as long as I did. I have been trying hard not to be hard on myself, and some of that will come with time. The If only's will fade with time. I hope that he had a better life having known me. And I know he made me a better person because I knew him. I am a stronger person having known him. I hope that I can leave a legacy behind worthy of him.
I know in the last year I have done a lot of reevaluating of myself, and my life. I have made a lot of changes. Changes of priorities. I have done a lot of growing up. I have never felt more grown up than I do at this very moment. I lost friends, I gained friends, I solidified friendships that I had. And I am much more grateful for the people in my life now. But I am much less tolerant of people than I used to be, but oh so much more tolerant than I ever used to be.
I have boundaries that never existed before, and I enforce them. I have learned the value of my sanctuary. And guard it fiercely. Rob was my protector. He never wanted to see me hurt. Well now I need to be that protector, I don't need anyone to do that for me. I can ask for help, but I don't need anyone to look after me. I can do that myself.
I don't need a relationship. I may find one, one day, but today is not that day. And if and when I do, they will accept me for who I am, and what I am, uncompromisingly. As Rob did. They will not be compared to Rob, because he was Rob, and no one can compare to Rob. They will be who ever they will be.
He will always be a part of me. I will always love him. ALWAYS! But I am moving forward. I am building a life without him. As much as it hurts. He is not a part of my future. He is a part of my thoughts, and I think of him constantly, and I wonder what he would think of the way I'm doing things, but I have to do what I think is best for me. I will never forget him. And I would never do anything to deliberately dishonour him.
This is my life. We are no longer Rob and Meaghan. It is just Meaghan. And I am slowly figuring out who she is. Who she wants to be. Rob's story is over. It was a great story, with a tragic ending. But mine isn't. At the moment it is still a bit of a sad story as I continue to navigate the grief and the mourning. The grief will never go away, it will soften, the mourning will. But I will always grieve for Rob, but I will get to a place where it won't be so intense. I'm still evolving. And I hope I never stop.