Solitude
It’s odd the things I find triggering and will almost always make me sad and miss Rob. Every Monday night I find it tough. It’s garbage night. And Rob took out the garbage. He did a lot of other chores around the house. He did laundry and dishes and generally kept the house tidy. I did the cleaning. I’m doing all that he did and it’s not a big deal. But for some reason garbage is just one of those things that reminds me of him and hits me in the feels every week, and usually sends me crying
This weekend I started to go through his clothes and gave away some of his casual clothes to a buy nothing group on Facebook. All I had to do was put it in bags on my front porch pick a person and the bags disappeared. I know someone will get some good use out of them. His dress clothes will go to a charity called suits his style that will help men who are ready to enter the workforce get a suit or two some shirts a resume and some interview skills. People have offered to go through his things with me, but for some reason it felt like something I had to do alone. I may take a friend (if people have time) to drive downtown to drop off his professional clothing, so I'm not driving alone. But going through his stuff felt like something I had to do by myself.
I've spent most of my life doing things alone, and surviving alone. It feels strange asking for help with things. I know I should, but I don't. I just do.
I'm also finding people just don't get it. My dad got mad at me this weekend for not having gone through Rob's stuff. I had brought it up because I felt like I was finally ready to do it based on something that came out of my support group about changing my relationship with Rob from one of a physical relationship to one of memory. And my dad was just about ready to go up through my closets. According to him I should have all this stuff done months ago. In reality, it doesn't matter when this gets done, and had it sat there for another 6 months, it still wouldn't have mattered. So now part of me wants to be a 12 year old dig my feet in and not do anything just to spite him. but I'm not, because that isn't good for me, and I was ready before the conversation. But it is none of his damned business. So I feel like I need to start filtering myself around him now, like I do my mother, to protect myself. Fuck!!
I’m finding I’m doing a lot alone. Where maybe I should be more vocal. I’m finding more comfort in being alone lately. I was invited to go camping this weekend and the idea of camping with two families with three kids did not sound terribly appealing. The idea of being with friends is lovely, and I relish the invites I get, but I find myself looking at some of the invites, especially when they are larger groups and asking myself where is the out. Maybe that is the introvert in me, and without Rob, I'm being more protective of myself. I want the out, so that if I get overwhelmed I can leave.
I look at a day like today, it is dark, and rainy, and all I want to do is curl up with my new furniture (it can't get here soon enough) and read and doze all day. I don't want to deal with people. I'm tired. I'm tired of dealing with other people's emotions.
This weekend I started to go through his clothes and gave away some of his casual clothes to a buy nothing group on Facebook. All I had to do was put it in bags on my front porch pick a person and the bags disappeared. I know someone will get some good use out of them. His dress clothes will go to a charity called suits his style that will help men who are ready to enter the workforce get a suit or two some shirts a resume and some interview skills. People have offered to go through his things with me, but for some reason it felt like something I had to do alone. I may take a friend (if people have time) to drive downtown to drop off his professional clothing, so I'm not driving alone. But going through his stuff felt like something I had to do by myself.
I've spent most of my life doing things alone, and surviving alone. It feels strange asking for help with things. I know I should, but I don't. I just do.
I'm also finding people just don't get it. My dad got mad at me this weekend for not having gone through Rob's stuff. I had brought it up because I felt like I was finally ready to do it based on something that came out of my support group about changing my relationship with Rob from one of a physical relationship to one of memory. And my dad was just about ready to go up through my closets. According to him I should have all this stuff done months ago. In reality, it doesn't matter when this gets done, and had it sat there for another 6 months, it still wouldn't have mattered. So now part of me wants to be a 12 year old dig my feet in and not do anything just to spite him. but I'm not, because that isn't good for me, and I was ready before the conversation. But it is none of his damned business. So I feel like I need to start filtering myself around him now, like I do my mother, to protect myself. Fuck!!
I’m finding I’m doing a lot alone. Where maybe I should be more vocal. I’m finding more comfort in being alone lately. I was invited to go camping this weekend and the idea of camping with two families with three kids did not sound terribly appealing. The idea of being with friends is lovely, and I relish the invites I get, but I find myself looking at some of the invites, especially when they are larger groups and asking myself where is the out. Maybe that is the introvert in me, and without Rob, I'm being more protective of myself. I want the out, so that if I get overwhelmed I can leave.
I look at a day like today, it is dark, and rainy, and all I want to do is curl up with my new furniture (it can't get here soon enough) and read and doze all day. I don't want to deal with people. I'm tired. I'm tired of dealing with other people's emotions.