Stuck on pause
I've spent the majority of my life trying to figure out who I am. Sometimes I give in and just figure I am who I am. I'm not sure if I enjoy my life more when I give in, or more when I'm trying to figure shit out.
I turned 30 this year. It's been really hard for me. On the one hand, I've accomplished a goal I've had my whole life. Being a mom, raising my kids, and being good at it was always a life goal of mine. My entire life revolves around my kids and my husband. That was a goal. I succeeded. So, why don't I feel more accomplished? On the other hand, I think I had much bigger goals, but couldn't face them. So, I told myself this is what I wanted. Even at 18. I was dating a guy, and he asked me what I wanted to go with my life. I told him, raise a family. He laughed and said yea, but what else. I looked at him, and was a little annoyed. Was that not a good goal? Is that frowned upon today? Does a women have to have a career ambition? Or did he see through me, and know I was kidding myself? Yes, I wanted a family, but was that all?
I hate that I'm not more driven, but how do you fix that? How do you create more drive, ambition, focus? How do you spend 30 years not challenging yourself just to wake up one day and do it? I'm afraid.
My weight. I've been over weight my whole life, except senior year of high school. I used pills to get thin. I don't call that drive. I cheated, and I've paid dearly for it the last 12 years of my life. I gained 80lbs 12 years ago, and have spent 12 years trying to cheat to lose it. I hate being this way, but am not motivated it enough to actually change it. If I can't do that how am I ever going to change how I feel about my life, myself, my goals...?
I get to watch my husband every day achieve his goals, build his dreams. He has 3 successful businesses, a wife, and 3 beautiful kids. He gets to travel, meet people, and works really hard. I've supported him through it all. He's done everything knowing that no matter what I will be there. He's also done everything knowing that if its not his best, we don't eat. His back is constantly against the wall. A family of 5 is hard to support. I feel very fortunate to have such a hardworking husband, to get to stay home. To say my kids get at least one parent 100% of the time. To be that parent. It's just difficult to not be jealous of his success. I'm a successful (almost single) parent. My success is just not as acknowledged. I don't care about that so much though. I just feel like I need something outside of motherhood to be successful at.
Just hope I figure it out soon.