why i need krystal j heins to live within walking distance again.
ok, so.
i haven't been on here in forever.
i have found another writing outlets, that i use when i need both feedback and anonymity, and i've posted a couple things to my myspace blog, and i've been keeping a pencil and paper journal. so, unfortunately, this place kind of got the shaft (apologies live journal).
right now i'm feeling ok and am rather blissfully numb, for no real reason really. just because numb is a far easier state than feeling sometimes. and because i talked to miss heins, and as she always does, she found humor and made me feel temporarily ok. like a normal sane human being. which i'm beginning to doubt i am.
last summer was the most hellish of my life, for more reasons than i care to think about. it will suffice to say it was really really awful. many of you know the details.
i vowed that this summer, despite the fact that i'm still job hunting and hating it, would be different. because, i rationalized with myself, i do not have nearly as many things in my life causing me stress. if job hunting is the only flaming hurdle, then i can get through it.
but alas.
hurdles always seem to come in pairs. or, in my case, families.
the long and short of it, in the order in which these things have popped up:
*a previous health issue that i thought i was quite done with, has reappeared into my life. the reoccurance is really the cause for concern, and so i'm just waiting to hear what route my doctor would like to take.
*i applied for a great job and had a great interview.
*i didn't get the great job.
*my grandmother died.
*my sister informed me that she has seperated from her husband (this was after she informed me that when he failed to pay his taxes the government froze her checking account, leaving her no money to buy groceries, gas, or anything else that she or her two daughters might need).
*a possible health issue has cropped up with my mom, probably nothing, but possibly something.
*i am going to ride for 3 hours, each way, with my mom's boyfriend, to the funeral, because she is going down early and it's economical and smart for us to ride together. i should mention that i've only met said boyfriend once, and although i'm thrilled that he's making her happy, i'm kind of dreading the ride for reasons i can't exactly pinpoint.
*be being gone for the wake and funeral i'm going to be missing something that's important to a dear friend of mine, and something that i've really been looking forward to. i apologize deeply for this, but that does not make me any happier about the situation.
*i'm kind of not really sleeping much anymore.
so that's pretty much it...i'm consciously making an attempt not to drink, and to try to talk about things before i get to the not wanting to move from bed stage. right now i'm just really tired though, and i have no motivation to do anything.
as i talked about much of this with k heins, for a few brief moments, she told me that i should start taking mind altering drugs. because she's her, and i'm me, and i know us, this was exactly what i needed tonight. i laughed, and told her that i'm seriously considering it, i just haven't decided yet between mushrooms or acid, both of which i hear have tremendous psychadellic effects. i was kidding, and please know that i don't take drug abuse lightly, nor is it a path that i would follow. however, this joking advice was perfect tonight. so thank you.
also, miss abby, the simple fact that you came over on wednesday meant more to me than you'll ever know. i was holding up well while you were here, largely because looking forward to your arrival pulled me through the worst of that afternoon. i hope you know i love you for simply being there, knowing i needed you to be there. i owe you one, big time.
rach, i miss you. i miss you miss you miss you. and i love you.
i'm feeling sentimental i suppose, and wanting to pull all of those i care about tighter into my life, to cling to them, and make sure they know how important they are. but i'm also a realist and i know me, and i know that if i struggle in the next month or so, i may push some of you away, and i'll apologize ahead of time for that. i will try my best not to do so. just like avoiding the alcohol, my goal is to not distance myself from any of you the way i did last year.
love you all.
the end.
i haven't been on here in forever.
i have found another writing outlets, that i use when i need both feedback and anonymity, and i've posted a couple things to my myspace blog, and i've been keeping a pencil and paper journal. so, unfortunately, this place kind of got the shaft (apologies live journal).
right now i'm feeling ok and am rather blissfully numb, for no real reason really. just because numb is a far easier state than feeling sometimes. and because i talked to miss heins, and as she always does, she found humor and made me feel temporarily ok. like a normal sane human being. which i'm beginning to doubt i am.
last summer was the most hellish of my life, for more reasons than i care to think about. it will suffice to say it was really really awful. many of you know the details.
i vowed that this summer, despite the fact that i'm still job hunting and hating it, would be different. because, i rationalized with myself, i do not have nearly as many things in my life causing me stress. if job hunting is the only flaming hurdle, then i can get through it.
but alas.
hurdles always seem to come in pairs. or, in my case, families.
the long and short of it, in the order in which these things have popped up:
*a previous health issue that i thought i was quite done with, has reappeared into my life. the reoccurance is really the cause for concern, and so i'm just waiting to hear what route my doctor would like to take.
*i applied for a great job and had a great interview.
*i didn't get the great job.
*my grandmother died.
*my sister informed me that she has seperated from her husband (this was after she informed me that when he failed to pay his taxes the government froze her checking account, leaving her no money to buy groceries, gas, or anything else that she or her two daughters might need).
*a possible health issue has cropped up with my mom, probably nothing, but possibly something.
*i am going to ride for 3 hours, each way, with my mom's boyfriend, to the funeral, because she is going down early and it's economical and smart for us to ride together. i should mention that i've only met said boyfriend once, and although i'm thrilled that he's making her happy, i'm kind of dreading the ride for reasons i can't exactly pinpoint.
*be being gone for the wake and funeral i'm going to be missing something that's important to a dear friend of mine, and something that i've really been looking forward to. i apologize deeply for this, but that does not make me any happier about the situation.
*i'm kind of not really sleeping much anymore.
so that's pretty much it...i'm consciously making an attempt not to drink, and to try to talk about things before i get to the not wanting to move from bed stage. right now i'm just really tired though, and i have no motivation to do anything.
as i talked about much of this with k heins, for a few brief moments, she told me that i should start taking mind altering drugs. because she's her, and i'm me, and i know us, this was exactly what i needed tonight. i laughed, and told her that i'm seriously considering it, i just haven't decided yet between mushrooms or acid, both of which i hear have tremendous psychadellic effects. i was kidding, and please know that i don't take drug abuse lightly, nor is it a path that i would follow. however, this joking advice was perfect tonight. so thank you.
also, miss abby, the simple fact that you came over on wednesday meant more to me than you'll ever know. i was holding up well while you were here, largely because looking forward to your arrival pulled me through the worst of that afternoon. i hope you know i love you for simply being there, knowing i needed you to be there. i owe you one, big time.
rach, i miss you. i miss you miss you miss you. and i love you.
i'm feeling sentimental i suppose, and wanting to pull all of those i care about tighter into my life, to cling to them, and make sure they know how important they are. but i'm also a realist and i know me, and i know that if i struggle in the next month or so, i may push some of you away, and i'll apologize ahead of time for that. i will try my best not to do so. just like avoiding the alcohol, my goal is to not distance myself from any of you the way i did last year.
love you all.
the end.