(no subject)
today we said goodbye to the student teacher that has been in our classroom since the beginning of the year, and to her twin sister who was in the classroom next door. it was sad. i liked those girls.
i thought about the last person i said goodbye to, and missed her dearly. i remembered hugging her hard at graduation, and the way she hugged me back. i remembered the stinging in my shoulders from the grip of her long bony fingers, and how welcome that pain was compared to the overwhelming emotional emptiness that was consuming me at the thought of not having her living across campus from me.
as part of a celebration we watched daddy day care, instead of having reading group. the kids were too wired to really do anything else. that movie is funny. but i've only seen it once before, and i couldn't remember when it was. until we started watching it and then i remembered, and the memory hurt. i watched that movie at my uncle jimmy's house, surrounded by my cousins megan, taylor, luke, nikki, karen, and kevin. the grownups were in the kitchen, speaking in whispers to shelter us kids. this was a year ago, mind you. you can figure out that the only times families are all gathered around like that are in times of crisis. and that time was no exception. i watched that movie as my grandfather slowly slipped away from me. i felt consumed with guilt every single time i laughed during it. and when i watched that movie again today, i remembered losing him all over again. and i realized, that as funny as that movie is, i never want to see it again. i remembered everything, the way i was sitting curled up in an oversized recliner, trying to phsyically shrink into myself and get as far away from the whole situation as possible. i remembered calling cliff and needing him, and knowing that he couldn't be there with me because he had to work, so that he could be with me when i would need him even more, when my grandfather died 2 days later. i remembered that nothing was comforting. nobody could say the right thing, and nobody could really even try, because we were all too consumed with our own pain anyway.
i'm sad today.
for the last few weeks i have only been able to fall asleep when i lay on my stomach, facing the wall, my back to cliff. i can't fall asleep if he cuddles me, or if i can see him. i'm scared and i dont' know why. i don't feel discontent, i just don't feel like things are right. but nothing is really wrong. it's unsettling.
i need to go to work, and more than anything, i just want to sleep.
the end.
i thought about the last person i said goodbye to, and missed her dearly. i remembered hugging her hard at graduation, and the way she hugged me back. i remembered the stinging in my shoulders from the grip of her long bony fingers, and how welcome that pain was compared to the overwhelming emotional emptiness that was consuming me at the thought of not having her living across campus from me.
as part of a celebration we watched daddy day care, instead of having reading group. the kids were too wired to really do anything else. that movie is funny. but i've only seen it once before, and i couldn't remember when it was. until we started watching it and then i remembered, and the memory hurt. i watched that movie at my uncle jimmy's house, surrounded by my cousins megan, taylor, luke, nikki, karen, and kevin. the grownups were in the kitchen, speaking in whispers to shelter us kids. this was a year ago, mind you. you can figure out that the only times families are all gathered around like that are in times of crisis. and that time was no exception. i watched that movie as my grandfather slowly slipped away from me. i felt consumed with guilt every single time i laughed during it. and when i watched that movie again today, i remembered losing him all over again. and i realized, that as funny as that movie is, i never want to see it again. i remembered everything, the way i was sitting curled up in an oversized recliner, trying to phsyically shrink into myself and get as far away from the whole situation as possible. i remembered calling cliff and needing him, and knowing that he couldn't be there with me because he had to work, so that he could be with me when i would need him even more, when my grandfather died 2 days later. i remembered that nothing was comforting. nobody could say the right thing, and nobody could really even try, because we were all too consumed with our own pain anyway.
i'm sad today.
for the last few weeks i have only been able to fall asleep when i lay on my stomach, facing the wall, my back to cliff. i can't fall asleep if he cuddles me, or if i can see him. i'm scared and i dont' know why. i don't feel discontent, i just don't feel like things are right. but nothing is really wrong. it's unsettling.
i need to go to work, and more than anything, i just want to sleep.
the end.