Parang may sense naman.
And so, this day, I dread.
Tomorrow will be the start of nothing. And that means I have to find a way to do something that will avoid me from doing nothing.
I have been scared haven't I? I have.
I learned something while I was discussing my progress with my tutor earlier this morning. It has been a constant reminder for me to make my lines more confident. And I hear myself always replying with the same reason... I am scared and intimidated of it.
For some reason, I have always had a power struggle between me and the pencil and blank paper. They scare the fuckin shit out of me. It's just too big of a space to fill and only by my own marks and strokes. Too much pressure. I always feel inadeqaute. And I don't think I'll ever be good enough.
You see?
This is my childhood speaking... I grew up feeling this way and somehow, maybe, this is why I started to push harder and challenge myself more. I guess, this is the reason why I put myself in situations where I need to succeed. Not to prove anything, but just to break free every time a familiar feeling of self-doubt starts to linger in me. Sometimes, I feel that it has been a certain cycle that we put ourselves in order to function, because this is the only way we know to cope or to move forward.
For this past few days, I can see a vision of myself pushing with every bit of me just to be able to breathe. But then, for some apparent reason, I failed this time. No matter how I push, I do not move an inch. And going back to my fear of drawing, I think now, in my life, I am uncertain. And this has nothing to do with inadequancy nor self-doubt. This is all about me and my life.
I am fucked.
I didn't have to deal with this before. I always had a cycle that dictated where I am going and it leads me to do what I have mastered along the way. But shit... it ends here.
For the first time in my life, I am going to admit this... I am fuckin scared.
The next few days, will be the hardest for this first leg of my London journey. No school. Almost everyone is going home for the holidays. And I, need to really learn a great big deal of this choice I have always wanted and finally made. I think if I didn't decide to write this down, I would have an anxiety attack earlier. It's seeping in... sinking in.
I asked for this. And really, this is what I got. An eye for an eye. Hahaha.
I can't help but laugh even if fear dominates over me. Hahahahaha. And then, voila. It is still a part of the cycle after all. Because I wanted this.
There's just something different about this one though. There is no escape.
There is no exit strategy that I might use.
I accept the challenge. (shaking my head)
But yeah, time to grow up a bit again. (smiling sarcastically)
In the next few days, I will lay off my medications and open myself up to this experience.
There's no more reason to fight this. I have to let go right? I will force myself out of the comforts of my home. It has been a hiding place.
Oh fuck. I can almost taste the true essence of sadness.
Christmas... and I will be far away from all my loved ones.
I am scared for my life... But I think it's time to really own up to the strength I always claim.
I've planned train trips... days of just wandering... or whatever.
To move forward... I will need to set myself free. And that means, I have to be comfortable in my own skin and find myself here, far away from home. It's me and myself. What a challenge. Finally, I get to really know who I really am.
***
I think this is essential to do now... for the people I love.
***
Is it me, or I didn't make sense at all?
I was writing down thoughts with no cohesion, I think.
hahaha.
or, fuck, ano ba?? Ligaw ligaw ampusa.
parang tangengot. as usual.
***
gagawa ako ng 2 libro.
isa para kay eli, sa pagsakay ko ng unang beses sa steam train at umikot sa mga bundok
ng bansang ito.
pangalawa, para sa akin. sino kaya ang bagong ako na makikilala ko?
kinakabahan na ako.
Tomorrow will be the start of nothing. And that means I have to find a way to do something that will avoid me from doing nothing.
I have been scared haven't I? I have.
I learned something while I was discussing my progress with my tutor earlier this morning. It has been a constant reminder for me to make my lines more confident. And I hear myself always replying with the same reason... I am scared and intimidated of it.
For some reason, I have always had a power struggle between me and the pencil and blank paper. They scare the fuckin shit out of me. It's just too big of a space to fill and only by my own marks and strokes. Too much pressure. I always feel inadeqaute. And I don't think I'll ever be good enough.
You see?
This is my childhood speaking... I grew up feeling this way and somehow, maybe, this is why I started to push harder and challenge myself more. I guess, this is the reason why I put myself in situations where I need to succeed. Not to prove anything, but just to break free every time a familiar feeling of self-doubt starts to linger in me. Sometimes, I feel that it has been a certain cycle that we put ourselves in order to function, because this is the only way we know to cope or to move forward.
For this past few days, I can see a vision of myself pushing with every bit of me just to be able to breathe. But then, for some apparent reason, I failed this time. No matter how I push, I do not move an inch. And going back to my fear of drawing, I think now, in my life, I am uncertain. And this has nothing to do with inadequancy nor self-doubt. This is all about me and my life.
I am fucked.
I didn't have to deal with this before. I always had a cycle that dictated where I am going and it leads me to do what I have mastered along the way. But shit... it ends here.
For the first time in my life, I am going to admit this... I am fuckin scared.
The next few days, will be the hardest for this first leg of my London journey. No school. Almost everyone is going home for the holidays. And I, need to really learn a great big deal of this choice I have always wanted and finally made. I think if I didn't decide to write this down, I would have an anxiety attack earlier. It's seeping in... sinking in.
I asked for this. And really, this is what I got. An eye for an eye. Hahaha.
I can't help but laugh even if fear dominates over me. Hahahahaha. And then, voila. It is still a part of the cycle after all. Because I wanted this.
There's just something different about this one though. There is no escape.
There is no exit strategy that I might use.
I accept the challenge. (shaking my head)
But yeah, time to grow up a bit again. (smiling sarcastically)
In the next few days, I will lay off my medications and open myself up to this experience.
There's no more reason to fight this. I have to let go right? I will force myself out of the comforts of my home. It has been a hiding place.
Oh fuck. I can almost taste the true essence of sadness.
Christmas... and I will be far away from all my loved ones.
I am scared for my life... But I think it's time to really own up to the strength I always claim.
I've planned train trips... days of just wandering... or whatever.
To move forward... I will need to set myself free. And that means, I have to be comfortable in my own skin and find myself here, far away from home. It's me and myself. What a challenge. Finally, I get to really know who I really am.
***
I think this is essential to do now... for the people I love.
***
Is it me, or I didn't make sense at all?
I was writing down thoughts with no cohesion, I think.
hahaha.
or, fuck, ano ba?? Ligaw ligaw ampusa.
parang tangengot. as usual.
***
gagawa ako ng 2 libro.
isa para kay eli, sa pagsakay ko ng unang beses sa steam train at umikot sa mga bundok
ng bansang ito.
pangalawa, para sa akin. sino kaya ang bagong ako na makikilala ko?
kinakabahan na ako.