(no subject)
Lyme dr. is disappointed that I'm not responding to any treatment. YOU AND ME BOTH, LADY.
And just generally seems confused. Really, you're supposed to be way good with a disease that's fucking sneaky and hides in different parts of your body so you can't eradicate it or at least have a fuck hard time kicking its ass back into remission.
So her newest idea is "Why don't you stop taking everything and we see how you do completely off medication for a month?" GREAT IDEA. Lets see if absolutely nothing helps this time around more so than exhausting every avenue ever did. With an ever increasing debilitating disease, I'm sure this course of action is best.
Now shes saying hey, it may not even be lyme! Which would be awesome if I weren't tested for everything under the goddamn sun already and if lyme wasn't the ONLY thing that came back positive in the spinal tap and thousands of blood tests. Cause that makes so much more sense than you not coming out and admitting you don't know what to try anymore.
Then she thought hey, maybe your recent seizure medication increase is to blame! Which, no. Its not. But whatevs, we begged the neurologist to be squeezed into an emergency appointment to basically be told the same thing (for $50 extra) and then hear, "Oh by the way, the other symptoms you described sounds like you're having mini seizures in your sleep now too. Your dosage isn't too high, it may actually need to be increased or added to. BUT DO NOTHING FOR A MONTH WHILE YOU'RE ALREADY DOING NOTHING THEN COME BACK AND SEE IF WE ACTUALLY HAVE TO DO SOMETHING."
I'm annoyed at everyone but I'm also way scared. If all my drs. are failing me, where do I go from here? In a few hours, I gotta hurry out to make another begged to be squeezed into emergency appointment with my regular dr. so I can see about being tested for any other autoimmune diseases anyone forgot to test me for before when I had three different drs. testing me for every disease under the sun. I'm fairly confident that they're not going to find anything new because no one fucking cares about lyme disease to do shit so no one fucking knows what to do. And the lyme dr. made a good point that if it WERE anything else, the antibiotic overkill shoulda blasted them into remission too. But it didn't. And I'm still in pain, I still can't do shit, I still get crippling migraines, and new symptoms every day. ALL of which are lyme symptoms. But lyme can cause a myriad of symptoms so maybe its something else...? BUT YEAH, THEY CAN CAUSE A MYRIAD OF SYMPTOMS THAT MIMIC OTHER THINGS WHEN TAKEN SYMPTOM BY SYMPTOM. THE FACT THAT I HAVE ALMOST EVERY SYMPTOM THEY MIMIC??? MAYBE THAT'S A FUCKING SIGN HERE.
So I'm getting way scared that I'll never get better and only get worse. And everyone is telling me to stay positive, why are you getting depressed lately, its always darkest right before the storm breaks. FUCK YOU. Its been darkest for months now with no end in fucking sight. And to constantly keep running into dead ends? Sure fucking seems like the storm may never in fact break. Fuck you with your mangled Crow inspirational quotes or you with your "Maybe you should go back to your roots [Christianity] and pray." MY ROOTS WERE FORCED FUCKING PLASTIC PLANTS THAT NEVER EXTENDED MORE THAN A GODDAMN INCH. I NEVER PRETENDED TO FUCKING TEND TO THEM OR WATER THEM BEFORE SO WHY THE FUCK WOULD I DO THAT NOW!? And as for oooooooooh you're having mood swings, that's a sign of lyme too. NO. THAT'S A SIGN OF BEING FUCKING FRUSTRATED AND DETERIORATING EVERY GODDAMN DAY AND FACING NOTHING BUT DOORS SLAMMING IN MY GODDAMN FACE. THAT'S A SIGN THAT MY COGNITIVE ABILITIES HAVE NOT FULLY DETERIORATED AS I CAN STILL RECOGNIZE A NEVER ENDING SHITTY SITUATION WHEN I SEE IT. How the fuck am I supposed to stay positive? And what fucking for? Being positive FOR MONTHS did shit. Being negative is doing shit. But being negative is a hell of a lot easier lately when I've finally accepted I have way more to be negative about. I'm not gonna put a goddamn smile on my face and be the ever fucking pleasant ray of sunshine fucking invalid. I'm gonna be fucking miserable, I'm gonna lash the fuck out, and I'm gonna lower my bullshit threshold TO ZERO. Because this is MY fucking illness and I'll be damned if anyone'll dictate how I SHOULD or SHOULDN'T fucking deal with it. And fuck the myth of being strong and silent going through adversity. I haven't lashed out with knives yet nor committed suicide so I think I'm being strong enough. And even if I'm not ITS.NONE.OF.YOUR.FUCKING.BUSINESS.
I should start using tags but I feel like 'fml' would basically just lump the entire journal together and not help with organizing.
And just generally seems confused. Really, you're supposed to be way good with a disease that's fucking sneaky and hides in different parts of your body so you can't eradicate it or at least have a fuck hard time kicking its ass back into remission.
So her newest idea is "Why don't you stop taking everything and we see how you do completely off medication for a month?" GREAT IDEA. Lets see if absolutely nothing helps this time around more so than exhausting every avenue ever did. With an ever increasing debilitating disease, I'm sure this course of action is best.
Now shes saying hey, it may not even be lyme! Which would be awesome if I weren't tested for everything under the goddamn sun already and if lyme wasn't the ONLY thing that came back positive in the spinal tap and thousands of blood tests. Cause that makes so much more sense than you not coming out and admitting you don't know what to try anymore.
Then she thought hey, maybe your recent seizure medication increase is to blame! Which, no. Its not. But whatevs, we begged the neurologist to be squeezed into an emergency appointment to basically be told the same thing (for $50 extra) and then hear, "Oh by the way, the other symptoms you described sounds like you're having mini seizures in your sleep now too. Your dosage isn't too high, it may actually need to be increased or added to. BUT DO NOTHING FOR A MONTH WHILE YOU'RE ALREADY DOING NOTHING THEN COME BACK AND SEE IF WE ACTUALLY HAVE TO DO SOMETHING."
I'm annoyed at everyone but I'm also way scared. If all my drs. are failing me, where do I go from here? In a few hours, I gotta hurry out to make another begged to be squeezed into emergency appointment with my regular dr. so I can see about being tested for any other autoimmune diseases anyone forgot to test me for before when I had three different drs. testing me for every disease under the sun. I'm fairly confident that they're not going to find anything new because no one fucking cares about lyme disease to do shit so no one fucking knows what to do. And the lyme dr. made a good point that if it WERE anything else, the antibiotic overkill shoulda blasted them into remission too. But it didn't. And I'm still in pain, I still can't do shit, I still get crippling migraines, and new symptoms every day. ALL of which are lyme symptoms. But lyme can cause a myriad of symptoms so maybe its something else...? BUT YEAH, THEY CAN CAUSE A MYRIAD OF SYMPTOMS THAT MIMIC OTHER THINGS WHEN TAKEN SYMPTOM BY SYMPTOM. THE FACT THAT I HAVE ALMOST EVERY SYMPTOM THEY MIMIC??? MAYBE THAT'S A FUCKING SIGN HERE.
So I'm getting way scared that I'll never get better and only get worse. And everyone is telling me to stay positive, why are you getting depressed lately, its always darkest right before the storm breaks. FUCK YOU. Its been darkest for months now with no end in fucking sight. And to constantly keep running into dead ends? Sure fucking seems like the storm may never in fact break. Fuck you with your mangled Crow inspirational quotes or you with your "Maybe you should go back to your roots [Christianity] and pray." MY ROOTS WERE FORCED FUCKING PLASTIC PLANTS THAT NEVER EXTENDED MORE THAN A GODDAMN INCH. I NEVER PRETENDED TO FUCKING TEND TO THEM OR WATER THEM BEFORE SO WHY THE FUCK WOULD I DO THAT NOW!? And as for oooooooooh you're having mood swings, that's a sign of lyme too. NO. THAT'S A SIGN OF BEING FUCKING FRUSTRATED AND DETERIORATING EVERY GODDAMN DAY AND FACING NOTHING BUT DOORS SLAMMING IN MY GODDAMN FACE. THAT'S A SIGN THAT MY COGNITIVE ABILITIES HAVE NOT FULLY DETERIORATED AS I CAN STILL RECOGNIZE A NEVER ENDING SHITTY SITUATION WHEN I SEE IT. How the fuck am I supposed to stay positive? And what fucking for? Being positive FOR MONTHS did shit. Being negative is doing shit. But being negative is a hell of a lot easier lately when I've finally accepted I have way more to be negative about. I'm not gonna put a goddamn smile on my face and be the ever fucking pleasant ray of sunshine fucking invalid. I'm gonna be fucking miserable, I'm gonna lash the fuck out, and I'm gonna lower my bullshit threshold TO ZERO. Because this is MY fucking illness and I'll be damned if anyone'll dictate how I SHOULD or SHOULDN'T fucking deal with it. And fuck the myth of being strong and silent going through adversity. I haven't lashed out with knives yet nor committed suicide so I think I'm being strong enough. And even if I'm not ITS.NONE.OF.YOUR.FUCKING.BUSINESS.
I should start using tags but I feel like 'fml' would basically just lump the entire journal together and not help with organizing.