(no subject)
People seem to think just because yr married or just because you pay yr bills on time or just because you live on yr own or just because you finished fucking college or whatever the fuck, that means you have yr shit together.
And I don't mean to toot my own horn or anything because frankly, I don't think my own horns all that impressive, but lately, people have been actually asking me for advice. Me, of all people. Because of those things that I supposedly 'accomplished', as if I have any fucking answer.
Oh. You used to cut yrself. You don't now, that means you know how I can get my daughter to stop.
Oh. You used to starve yrself. You quite obviously don't now so that means you can write a fucking article telling other teenage girls how to just fucking eat.
Oh. You used to do drugs and drink and not give a fuck. You had serious problems, I mean, you've had a fucking overdose, you've fucking been in police stations, you've been forced to go to rehab, you've been thrown out of yr house all the time. You've passed out, you've vomited, you've made scenes all over the state of New York. You don't anymore so that means you can tell me how I can get my girlfriend/daughter/son/step-child/friend to stop too.
And really, my dirty secret is I have no fucking idea. And if I had, who the fuck would listen to me anyway? When we took D.A.R.E. in school, when we'd get our little fucking dittos to work on, our little exercises and skits to prepare, our little bullshit essays to write, I did 'em. But I KNEW, I knew because I was a fucking cocky kid who didn't believe a goddamn word authority told me because at my tender pre-teen years I KNEW adults were full of shit. I also KNEW that these cops, these teachers, these fucking people putting out these goddamn PSAs, they've never fucking done anything. And I told myself how the fuck can I take you seriously NOT telling me to do something if you've never fucking done it yrself? If you have no idea of what the fuck yr so scared of, how the fuck are you gonna get me to believe in the same bogeyman that scares you?
And to be perfectly honest, I still don't think I had any big problem. I did do those things. I did go through those repurcusions because of those things. I don't think those things in themselves were that bad or that big bogeyman. Yeah. Drinking fucks up yr liver. Smoking builds up tar in yr lungs. Coke fucks with yr serotonin levels. E puts fucking holes in yr brain. Meth rots yr fucking teeth out of yr face. Pot kills yr braincells. Acid gets in yr goddamn spinal cord. Doing obscene amounts of heroin in one sitting sometimes makes you piss yrself and shake around. Mushrooms gives you tummy cramps. Big fucking deal. I still say, big fucking deal and every once in awhile if the opportunity arises, and by 'opportunity' I mean the rare occasion its there and I fucking feel like it., I'll still do it. But for all these people asking me lately for some magical cure, I don't tell them that. Because how do you even bring that up? I don't feel these BIG BAD THINGS are BIG BAD THINGS IN MODERATION. If I'm doing any one of those things maybe twice a year, I'm fairly certain my liver will be fine, my serotonin levels will be just as wacky as they've always been, my brain will be just as fuzzy and confused as its always been (and I could always have the epilepsy and the lyme to blame for any other deviations there), my tummy will always have weird fucking issues and my teeth, while they may vary in color at times, will still be fucking intact. So my first feelings on being asked about all this is hey man, not me. You've got the wrong fucking guy.
You've got the wrong fucking guy because I don't think I suffered for any of these things. And I'm in no way saying that nobody else will and everyone whos asking me about their serious fucking problems aren't suffering either, I just feel like I have no fucking idea. The closest I've come to these things is the same indirect way they are. People dying, people fucking selling their bodies, peoples organs fucking up, peoples lives fucking collapsing. And if I were to talk to any of these people still asking me for help, I'd be just like those goddamn teachers in that I really don't fucking know. I think I'm far too flaky and cheap to ever have had any serious addictions. But addictions alone also aren't necessarily what fucks you up. What brought up all this retrospective ramblings was a phone call from my brother about his girlfriend. Hes worried that she has a drinking problem and hes even more worried because shes been fucking raped before while drinking and doesn't see any need to alter her behavior. I don't really know the girl (do any of us know anyone outside of fucking facebook anymore???) so I really don't know if she actually has a drinking problem or if this is just a similar case of how I've felt before of people who've never been exposed to these types of vices over reacting. But rape, that's a very real fucking thing that obviously can occur when doing these things. Moderation and all my happy nice little liberal bullshit feelings can fly out the window when that's brought in. Cause inebriated scumbags or scumbags who spring up when inebriation of others occurs don't give a fuck if theres addicts, first timers or even just the social users around if they want to take advantage of you. And I feel awful. I've never heard my brother choked up before. I've gone to two different funerals of close family members with him, hes been to numerous of my hospital visits, he may even have a fucking CHILD and I always thought nothing fucking affects him. But hes calling me. Because out of everyone he knows, he thinks I have some fucking answer to help him to help her.
And if I want to ignore my whole little intro about how I never felt I was any sort of addict or anything (and this is why you always have friends who are bigger fuckups than yrself. So you can always say to yrself, "Hey I coulda been THAT GUY or something instead!" theres a downside for this too but its pointless to go into this now) this is something I thankfully have never experienced.
And I could have. While I still don't think I ever was an addict of anything, I wholeheartedly admit I didn't give a shit if I lived or died. And if you don't give a shit on yr own life, how are you even going to be able to learn how to keep yrself living? I've passed out in strange houses, places, subway platforms. I've drank from random cups handed to me by random people. I've left my own random cups all over while I went to wander around only to come back later. I've taken fucking things random people have handed that in reality, I had no idea what the fuck it could have been. I mean, in hindsight, you don't know what the fuck random pills are, what's in random cups, or what yr randomly snorting. And to think about this now, that's fucking logical, right? That probably earned itself a paragraph in the D.A.R.E. handbook. But I never fucking thought about it. So most of these things are just common sense. Common sense that you don't believe when you hear it from someone who you know is full of shit but common sense I really doubt anyone's going to believe coming from someone who feels they were only constantly on the periphery of things either.
How did I not fucking die or get into worse trouble? I have no fucking idea. I've had various cops, ambulance attendants, bus drivers in the middle of the night tell me, "yr a good kid. You shouldn't be here," while ignoring the people I was with. Was there something intrinsicly different in me? Are there people in the fucking sky fucking watching over me personally and to hell with a good deal of other people I know and knew? I have no fucking idea. But I doubt it. One thing I did have though that I'm ridiculously grateful for now is that for the most part, I had some pretty good fucking friends during all this, that I don't think I really fucking appreciated at the time. And in the case of my brother's girlfriend, how do you advise someone hey, you should really find some more ethical fuckups? Cause really, if it wasn't for a lot of people I used to hang out with when I was younger, I probably would have been in much worse situations. Ha. THEN maybe I'd feel I was able to give some adequate fucking advice.
I just can't believe that the same shit that I thought only happened to me in my little self centered microcosm of the world is now hitting people I've grown up with my entire lives, my family and people that I really fucking care about. And how do you just 'get over' everything? What's the magic fucking cure? How DID I (on paper anyway) become a seemingly respectable adult? Personally, it was boredom. The same thing that got me in there in the first place. Doing these things all the time just wasn't fun anymore. It still really isn't and most of the people I associate with today still aren't bored yet. But you can't tell worried people calling you up in the night, "Hey man, they're probably just bored. It'll pass!" cause that's not what they want to hear. And for every individual person, theres an individual reason to get involved in whatever the fuck they get involved in along with another individual reason to get out that they need to find for themselves.
I wrote a whole fucking long ass entry about myself, based on the worries of others own personal tragedies. Frankly though, I just don't know what to do or what to think. Nietzsche (oh god an admitted 'troubled teen' is going to quote Nietzsche!?) opined that we don't actually care about other people, we care about how they make US feel. Maybe that's true. Maybe I'm as self centered as everyone else I talk shit about for being so goddamn self-centered. I really have no idea. About anything.
And I don't mean to toot my own horn or anything because frankly, I don't think my own horns all that impressive, but lately, people have been actually asking me for advice. Me, of all people. Because of those things that I supposedly 'accomplished', as if I have any fucking answer.
Oh. You used to cut yrself. You don't now, that means you know how I can get my daughter to stop.
Oh. You used to starve yrself. You quite obviously don't now so that means you can write a fucking article telling other teenage girls how to just fucking eat.
Oh. You used to do drugs and drink and not give a fuck. You had serious problems, I mean, you've had a fucking overdose, you've fucking been in police stations, you've been forced to go to rehab, you've been thrown out of yr house all the time. You've passed out, you've vomited, you've made scenes all over the state of New York. You don't anymore so that means you can tell me how I can get my girlfriend/daughter/son/step-child/friend to stop too.
And really, my dirty secret is I have no fucking idea. And if I had, who the fuck would listen to me anyway? When we took D.A.R.E. in school, when we'd get our little fucking dittos to work on, our little exercises and skits to prepare, our little bullshit essays to write, I did 'em. But I KNEW, I knew because I was a fucking cocky kid who didn't believe a goddamn word authority told me because at my tender pre-teen years I KNEW adults were full of shit. I also KNEW that these cops, these teachers, these fucking people putting out these goddamn PSAs, they've never fucking done anything. And I told myself how the fuck can I take you seriously NOT telling me to do something if you've never fucking done it yrself? If you have no idea of what the fuck yr so scared of, how the fuck are you gonna get me to believe in the same bogeyman that scares you?
And to be perfectly honest, I still don't think I had any big problem. I did do those things. I did go through those repurcusions because of those things. I don't think those things in themselves were that bad or that big bogeyman. Yeah. Drinking fucks up yr liver. Smoking builds up tar in yr lungs. Coke fucks with yr serotonin levels. E puts fucking holes in yr brain. Meth rots yr fucking teeth out of yr face. Pot kills yr braincells. Acid gets in yr goddamn spinal cord. Doing obscene amounts of heroin in one sitting sometimes makes you piss yrself and shake around. Mushrooms gives you tummy cramps. Big fucking deal. I still say, big fucking deal and every once in awhile if the opportunity arises, and by 'opportunity' I mean the rare occasion its there and I fucking feel like it., I'll still do it. But for all these people asking me lately for some magical cure, I don't tell them that. Because how do you even bring that up? I don't feel these BIG BAD THINGS are BIG BAD THINGS IN MODERATION. If I'm doing any one of those things maybe twice a year, I'm fairly certain my liver will be fine, my serotonin levels will be just as wacky as they've always been, my brain will be just as fuzzy and confused as its always been (and I could always have the epilepsy and the lyme to blame for any other deviations there), my tummy will always have weird fucking issues and my teeth, while they may vary in color at times, will still be fucking intact. So my first feelings on being asked about all this is hey man, not me. You've got the wrong fucking guy.
You've got the wrong fucking guy because I don't think I suffered for any of these things. And I'm in no way saying that nobody else will and everyone whos asking me about their serious fucking problems aren't suffering either, I just feel like I have no fucking idea. The closest I've come to these things is the same indirect way they are. People dying, people fucking selling their bodies, peoples organs fucking up, peoples lives fucking collapsing. And if I were to talk to any of these people still asking me for help, I'd be just like those goddamn teachers in that I really don't fucking know. I think I'm far too flaky and cheap to ever have had any serious addictions. But addictions alone also aren't necessarily what fucks you up. What brought up all this retrospective ramblings was a phone call from my brother about his girlfriend. Hes worried that she has a drinking problem and hes even more worried because shes been fucking raped before while drinking and doesn't see any need to alter her behavior. I don't really know the girl (do any of us know anyone outside of fucking facebook anymore???) so I really don't know if she actually has a drinking problem or if this is just a similar case of how I've felt before of people who've never been exposed to these types of vices over reacting. But rape, that's a very real fucking thing that obviously can occur when doing these things. Moderation and all my happy nice little liberal bullshit feelings can fly out the window when that's brought in. Cause inebriated scumbags or scumbags who spring up when inebriation of others occurs don't give a fuck if theres addicts, first timers or even just the social users around if they want to take advantage of you. And I feel awful. I've never heard my brother choked up before. I've gone to two different funerals of close family members with him, hes been to numerous of my hospital visits, he may even have a fucking CHILD and I always thought nothing fucking affects him. But hes calling me. Because out of everyone he knows, he thinks I have some fucking answer to help him to help her.
And if I want to ignore my whole little intro about how I never felt I was any sort of addict or anything (and this is why you always have friends who are bigger fuckups than yrself. So you can always say to yrself, "Hey I coulda been THAT GUY or something instead!" theres a downside for this too but its pointless to go into this now) this is something I thankfully have never experienced.
And I could have. While I still don't think I ever was an addict of anything, I wholeheartedly admit I didn't give a shit if I lived or died. And if you don't give a shit on yr own life, how are you even going to be able to learn how to keep yrself living? I've passed out in strange houses, places, subway platforms. I've drank from random cups handed to me by random people. I've left my own random cups all over while I went to wander around only to come back later. I've taken fucking things random people have handed that in reality, I had no idea what the fuck it could have been. I mean, in hindsight, you don't know what the fuck random pills are, what's in random cups, or what yr randomly snorting. And to think about this now, that's fucking logical, right? That probably earned itself a paragraph in the D.A.R.E. handbook. But I never fucking thought about it. So most of these things are just common sense. Common sense that you don't believe when you hear it from someone who you know is full of shit but common sense I really doubt anyone's going to believe coming from someone who feels they were only constantly on the periphery of things either.
How did I not fucking die or get into worse trouble? I have no fucking idea. I've had various cops, ambulance attendants, bus drivers in the middle of the night tell me, "yr a good kid. You shouldn't be here," while ignoring the people I was with. Was there something intrinsicly different in me? Are there people in the fucking sky fucking watching over me personally and to hell with a good deal of other people I know and knew? I have no fucking idea. But I doubt it. One thing I did have though that I'm ridiculously grateful for now is that for the most part, I had some pretty good fucking friends during all this, that I don't think I really fucking appreciated at the time. And in the case of my brother's girlfriend, how do you advise someone hey, you should really find some more ethical fuckups? Cause really, if it wasn't for a lot of people I used to hang out with when I was younger, I probably would have been in much worse situations. Ha. THEN maybe I'd feel I was able to give some adequate fucking advice.
I just can't believe that the same shit that I thought only happened to me in my little self centered microcosm of the world is now hitting people I've grown up with my entire lives, my family and people that I really fucking care about. And how do you just 'get over' everything? What's the magic fucking cure? How DID I (on paper anyway) become a seemingly respectable adult? Personally, it was boredom. The same thing that got me in there in the first place. Doing these things all the time just wasn't fun anymore. It still really isn't and most of the people I associate with today still aren't bored yet. But you can't tell worried people calling you up in the night, "Hey man, they're probably just bored. It'll pass!" cause that's not what they want to hear. And for every individual person, theres an individual reason to get involved in whatever the fuck they get involved in along with another individual reason to get out that they need to find for themselves.
I wrote a whole fucking long ass entry about myself, based on the worries of others own personal tragedies. Frankly though, I just don't know what to do or what to think. Nietzsche (oh god an admitted 'troubled teen' is going to quote Nietzsche!?) opined that we don't actually care about other people, we care about how they make US feel. Maybe that's true. Maybe I'm as self centered as everyone else I talk shit about for being so goddamn self-centered. I really have no idea. About anything.