a feeling of despair
as the move in date to my new apartment approaches, i cant help but question myself if i made the right decision. above all, i wish i stayed at beverly. im nervous, because i have new roommates to deal with. this is going to be teh most haphazard, non-making sense entry ive made so far. i cant decide if its my feelings of guilt, my decisions, my gratefulness or my fear of the unknown and the uncertain. i hope maria, lauren and gina are all chill and relaxed. i hope that they are chill with having john over and him sleeping over. hes my security. i need him around. he loves me the best...
i really dont understand why im feeling lost, hopeless and scared. i guess that i dont like change. i hate change. change is good, but sumtimes change rocks my world and makes me feel uncertain. i understand that john is committed to doing well in school for this school year and being more active in SDA, but i cant help but feel left out. ive been so used to having john all to myself, never having to really share him. john makes me feel safe. i feel as if, when im scared to stand on my own, i know i can look over and see him, and that everything will be ok. everything will be ok, because i have him to hold my hand. ---which is another thing that i think im scared of. another reason that i think im so scared is that i got this apartment on my OWN. my mom didnt co-sign or anything. all on me. another sign of the times that im all grown up, and that my parents, namely my mom, wont be around for everything, to hold my hand all the time when things get rough. im a grown woman now, and i have to learn how to do things on my own. i just wish that these realizations and responsibilities didnt come rushing all at once. sumtimes i feel like a little girl, wanting to run back home, where my lola would be waiting for me, telling me that food is cooked and ready, whenever i wanted to eat. ive been really homesick lately, and ive really been wondering if this life changing move to long beach was really the right choice all along. i think that i could easily leave everything behind in long beach...except for john. i cant. hes driven me insane, but all the good times and the love ive found in him cancel our arguments out. im so grateful for him and his family. emerson is helping me move in on saturday. his mom let me stay at their house until i can move into my new apt. fernando told me that i am always welcome. both him and maria told me that their house is small and its simple, but i would always be welcome to stay if i ever needed a place to sleep. i have the support of amazing people, people who i believe were the blessings and strength i prayed to GOD for. ive been praying alot lately. i mean, i dont pray every nite like i should, but i do try to pray and at least give thanks for my day and for the blessings ive recieved. but now, ive been praying alot, every chance i have to say a quick prayer of thanks, a petition, or just a small, short conversation with GOD. GOD heals, i know that for a fact. he strengthens you...you just may not realize the method being used, but he gives you strength...above all, i know that he is always there for me to turn to, to speak to when no one is around.
as for feelings of guilt, i cant help but feel amazingly SELFISH whenever i have to call my mom and insert somewhere in the conversation that i need an "X" amount of money. thats money that she wouldnt have to spend if i didnt decide to come and move to long beach. ive been considering the option of finishing out this one last school year and move back to san diego. my only problem with that is how can i leave john? all my accomplishments this year...(and im speaking about personal triumphs, not financial and academic accomplishments) were because of him and his support. i came to long beach in august. i met john in october...and the rest is history. its been john that ive turned to when ive needed support, a shoulder to cry on and to tell my deepest fears, wishes, thoughts and secrets to. i want us to have the life that we talk about. i want us to get married, have our children and have a home together. but i dont know how we can do it if i move back to san diego. i know me moving back to san diego will alleviate the feelings of guilt i have towards my family and taking their hard earned money, but i know that id be misearble because i dont wanna be treated like i am 16 when i am back in my moms house. i wanna have freedom and financial stability. financial stability i know ill find in san diego. but freedom, i know i wont have it. maybe somehow john can move to san diego with me.....find an apartment, a roommate, or maybe stay with his cousins that are marines that are stationed there.
i need strength, i need hope, and i need courage. GOD gave it to me through people and their actions...now i just need to find it in myself as well....
i really dont understand why im feeling lost, hopeless and scared. i guess that i dont like change. i hate change. change is good, but sumtimes change rocks my world and makes me feel uncertain. i understand that john is committed to doing well in school for this school year and being more active in SDA, but i cant help but feel left out. ive been so used to having john all to myself, never having to really share him. john makes me feel safe. i feel as if, when im scared to stand on my own, i know i can look over and see him, and that everything will be ok. everything will be ok, because i have him to hold my hand. ---which is another thing that i think im scared of. another reason that i think im so scared is that i got this apartment on my OWN. my mom didnt co-sign or anything. all on me. another sign of the times that im all grown up, and that my parents, namely my mom, wont be around for everything, to hold my hand all the time when things get rough. im a grown woman now, and i have to learn how to do things on my own. i just wish that these realizations and responsibilities didnt come rushing all at once. sumtimes i feel like a little girl, wanting to run back home, where my lola would be waiting for me, telling me that food is cooked and ready, whenever i wanted to eat. ive been really homesick lately, and ive really been wondering if this life changing move to long beach was really the right choice all along. i think that i could easily leave everything behind in long beach...except for john. i cant. hes driven me insane, but all the good times and the love ive found in him cancel our arguments out. im so grateful for him and his family. emerson is helping me move in on saturday. his mom let me stay at their house until i can move into my new apt. fernando told me that i am always welcome. both him and maria told me that their house is small and its simple, but i would always be welcome to stay if i ever needed a place to sleep. i have the support of amazing people, people who i believe were the blessings and strength i prayed to GOD for. ive been praying alot lately. i mean, i dont pray every nite like i should, but i do try to pray and at least give thanks for my day and for the blessings ive recieved. but now, ive been praying alot, every chance i have to say a quick prayer of thanks, a petition, or just a small, short conversation with GOD. GOD heals, i know that for a fact. he strengthens you...you just may not realize the method being used, but he gives you strength...above all, i know that he is always there for me to turn to, to speak to when no one is around.
as for feelings of guilt, i cant help but feel amazingly SELFISH whenever i have to call my mom and insert somewhere in the conversation that i need an "X" amount of money. thats money that she wouldnt have to spend if i didnt decide to come and move to long beach. ive been considering the option of finishing out this one last school year and move back to san diego. my only problem with that is how can i leave john? all my accomplishments this year...(and im speaking about personal triumphs, not financial and academic accomplishments) were because of him and his support. i came to long beach in august. i met john in october...and the rest is history. its been john that ive turned to when ive needed support, a shoulder to cry on and to tell my deepest fears, wishes, thoughts and secrets to. i want us to have the life that we talk about. i want us to get married, have our children and have a home together. but i dont know how we can do it if i move back to san diego. i know me moving back to san diego will alleviate the feelings of guilt i have towards my family and taking their hard earned money, but i know that id be misearble because i dont wanna be treated like i am 16 when i am back in my moms house. i wanna have freedom and financial stability. financial stability i know ill find in san diego. but freedom, i know i wont have it. maybe somehow john can move to san diego with me.....find an apartment, a roommate, or maybe stay with his cousins that are marines that are stationed there.
i need strength, i need hope, and i need courage. GOD gave it to me through people and their actions...now i just need to find it in myself as well....