twilight...err... daylight... musings
another night passed, another morning braved. go me. really does feel like quite a feat sometimes.
watched the last have of the last episode of smallville this afternoon. it was pretty good -- had a JLA reference, and aquaman in it... plus clark finally decided to take an active stand against lex -- cost him like $100 million dollars +, and now clark is on a research committee to uncover lex's dark company secrets. yay clark! and yay lex, the evil coming out is SO well done. bravo, michael rosenbaum. you rock.
i realized between last night and this morning that there are at least two distinct planes of emotion for me. in the first, normal plane, is my daily life -- my friends, my family, the little things i do all the time. these things can make me happy, or sad, nervous or excited, all to a certain degree. there is another plane that i only get to by special means where everything is magnified to the extreme, and it makes my normal life seem like just a shadow... meaningless and empty... which, of course, it isn't... just not as intense as the other life. not AS alive, you could say. but still alive. still meaningful. and it gives me acting practice, pretending i'm way more emotional than i really am, so people don't feel so uncomfortable around me -- i've gotten pretty good at it, i think...
i also realized that on the lesser plane, i don't care all that much about people... i don't even like them them much of the time... don't dislike, particularly, but don't like -- like i'd rather not associate with them... i do what i can to help them and all, don't get me wrong there... i want the best for them... but if they were to completely vanish from my life, i probably wouldn't much care... no big attachments, kinda like the martian manhunter or something....
i used to tell myself that i came home from the navy and from the church because i missed my friends so much, but that isn't true. i didn't miss them very much at all, i just absolutely loathed where i was and what i was doing, and home was the best and safest place to get away from it all... i honestly think that if even some of my best friends were to stop seeing me altogether, the only thing i would likely care about is the fact that i was going to be bored a little more often due to lack of role playing or online chatting... i guess that does make me anti-social or something... selfish? a bad person? i don't know... at least i'm honest about it, i suppose...
and i can live with existing only on that duller plane... might not be as happy as i could be otherwise, but i sure as hell won't be as miserable either... the friends that i still have, i think they can live with the fact that my friendly activities are mostly out of duty rather than actual caring... and if they can't... well... them's the breaks, i guess...
okay, enough soul-bearing for today... i'm bad at figuring out what i'm feeling anyway, for anybody who didn't already know that from experience.... bye
watched the last have of the last episode of smallville this afternoon. it was pretty good -- had a JLA reference, and aquaman in it... plus clark finally decided to take an active stand against lex -- cost him like $100 million dollars +, and now clark is on a research committee to uncover lex's dark company secrets. yay clark! and yay lex, the evil coming out is SO well done. bravo, michael rosenbaum. you rock.
i realized between last night and this morning that there are at least two distinct planes of emotion for me. in the first, normal plane, is my daily life -- my friends, my family, the little things i do all the time. these things can make me happy, or sad, nervous or excited, all to a certain degree. there is another plane that i only get to by special means where everything is magnified to the extreme, and it makes my normal life seem like just a shadow... meaningless and empty... which, of course, it isn't... just not as intense as the other life. not AS alive, you could say. but still alive. still meaningful. and it gives me acting practice, pretending i'm way more emotional than i really am, so people don't feel so uncomfortable around me -- i've gotten pretty good at it, i think...
i also realized that on the lesser plane, i don't care all that much about people... i don't even like them them much of the time... don't dislike, particularly, but don't like -- like i'd rather not associate with them... i do what i can to help them and all, don't get me wrong there... i want the best for them... but if they were to completely vanish from my life, i probably wouldn't much care... no big attachments, kinda like the martian manhunter or something....
i used to tell myself that i came home from the navy and from the church because i missed my friends so much, but that isn't true. i didn't miss them very much at all, i just absolutely loathed where i was and what i was doing, and home was the best and safest place to get away from it all... i honestly think that if even some of my best friends were to stop seeing me altogether, the only thing i would likely care about is the fact that i was going to be bored a little more often due to lack of role playing or online chatting... i guess that does make me anti-social or something... selfish? a bad person? i don't know... at least i'm honest about it, i suppose...
and i can live with existing only on that duller plane... might not be as happy as i could be otherwise, but i sure as hell won't be as miserable either... the friends that i still have, i think they can live with the fact that my friendly activities are mostly out of duty rather than actual caring... and if they can't... well... them's the breaks, i guess...
okay, enough soul-bearing for today... i'm bad at figuring out what i'm feeling anyway, for anybody who didn't already know that from experience.... bye