Lycanthropy: A Tempest in my Soul

[mishlai]

I'm experiencing a crisis of self.  I'm aware of two factors.  The first is that an increasing awareness of social justice issues is imploding my whole view of the world, and my place in it.  The second is that Aly and I had a talk about the timing of children, which has forced me to realize how unready I am to be Dad, and how conflicted I feel

Comments

[bird_mom]

The fact that you are aware of your issues puts you miles ahead of your father. You are also aware of the damage that can be done, but that's a given. Almost everyone gripes about their parents at some time or another, some have more cause than others. When you have an infant who is entirely dependent on you, it does a lot to change your view. Not that you are genius, the best parent that ever lived, but more like, oh crap, I can't fuck up now. If I don't take care of things, who will? At some point, generally when your kids are almost grown, you realize that you haven't been a kid yourself for a long time (and where did the time go anyway???). No one is ever prepared and no one is ever perfect. We do the best we can with the tools we have at our disposal, which is a huge cliche, but it's the truth. We can't be anything but the people we are, flaws and all. I always swore I'd never be like my mother, and sometimes I'm exactly like her - so there you go. Is it a warning? Not so much as admitting that sometimes it's easy to slip into past patterns that were in front of you in your developing years. I've gotten pretty good at saying I screwed up...

[mishlai]

Yeah. You know, I think it's realizing in advance that I won't be able to fuck up that makes it scary. I'm long accustomed to some freedom to fuck up.

Acknowledging our own fallibility is huge.