These desperate cries surround my isolation, I wanna be alone...
What: Winry catches Kankuro as he leaves the Doctor's office
Who: Kankuro + Winry
When: Wednesday afternoon
Where: Hospital
Rating: PG
Open/Closed To: Closed/Completed log between Kankuro and Winry
Everything out of the doctor's mouth ran by so quickly, and all Kankuro could do was look at him with this jet-lagged expression on his face. Just last week they'd called him in after some mix-up, throwing him into some guilty emotions when they thought he had an STD. He'd been a good boy, so idea was relatively out of line unless there'd been something laying dormant for years. The second string of tests proved the mix-up, but it had only pulled in a whole new string of problems when results came in. If Kankuro ever felt guilty about anything, then it was what he'd done to himself because it only pulled down everyone around him.
The years of drugs and excessive alcohol had damaged more than his mental state. It had damaged his ability to have kids. The percentage was so low, that it could be almost impossible in the grander scheme of things. The doctor ran off a bunch of options in the long run to benefit and help the situation, but Kankuro had already heard enough. As usual he only heard what he wanted to hear, and it only put more pressure in the back of his mind to the complications that had risen between him and Momo. This put a bigger trip on his self-esteem and where they would be headed. Why bother when he really wasn't going to be able to give her the life, the family she wanted. He'd damaged himself, and that's all there was to it. It didn't matter that he'd started to lax himself on the idea of their future. It only seemed fair now that she just continue with someone more suitable.
The walk out the door and down the hall of the hospital only seemed to take longer to get out of. The air in his lungs felt suffocated, his throat tight and legs stiff. Sure maybe he didn't want kids in the end, he didn't want to make a lousy father, but maybe in a few years he would have changed his mind. After seeing Temari in her own happiness with her child, it seemed almost natural that if she could have one he could at some point. However, when you were told you couldn't have something even after not wanting it---it was as if the want grew out of nowhere. The more the burn for it enhanced, and now there was nothing he could do about it.
Winry had taken to wandering the hospital when she had a break and Izuru was busy. Plus, she'd happened to glance into a couple folders at the nurse's station and she saw that Kankuro should be just about finishing a follow up appointment. She would have liked to have hovered at the nurse's station and found out why Kankuro needed a follow up, but a few of the women there had noticed her. One of them, the head of the little clique that had formed between the nurses on that floor, disliked her quite a bit. When the woman shot a glare at her, Winry just turned and stalked away. The annoying woman was just jealous because Winry was dating Izuru.
She hurried off to the room she'd seen on Kankuro's appointment slip. Follow ups usually weren't necessary unless something significant was wrong. She'd thought he'd had a pretty routine physical, but apparently that wasn't the case. When she reached the door, she peeked in the little window, but the doctor was standing in the way and keeping her from seeing Kankuro. "Ahh... I guess I can wait," she said as she leaned against the wall next to the door.
When the door opened, she pushed off from the wall and quickly followed Kankuro who clearly had something on his mind. "Hey! Kankuro! What are you doing here again?" she asked cheerfully as she reached his side. Once she looked at him and saw the expression on his face, her mood immediately fell. "What's wrong?"
There were times he could easily throw up a grin, forced or not and throw anyone off that wanted to dig deeper into his mind. Since the years of therapy, and the heavy mix of things going on in his life---it wasn't so easy this time. It was especially hard when the people around knew him fairly well. The point of the matter was that he was just downright embarrassed, if not disappointed in himself.
When that grin failed to surface Kankuro just shot Winry a shake of his head. "Nothin'," he said simply. "Just a mix up." He hadn't lied, he just managed to ignore that there was more to the situation than that. He was starting to close off, and had Momo been there at that moment she would berated him over that fact. So often when things plagued him, he set inside his own world and didn't care to open up to anyone. Therapy sessions had managed to break that up over time, but even the most mentally healthy person could hide inside their head if the problems were big enough. He hadn't done this since Gaara's kidnapping and feigned death years ago. This was by far not as serious as that, but Kankuro was putting the guilt trip on again.
Winry walked around in front of him and crossed her arms. "Hey. Stop it. There's something wrong and acting like you're fine is not going to go over with me." She could be a bit pushy when she wanted to, but it was all right if it was well intended, right? She considered Kankuro a friend, he didn't annoy her quite as much now as he used to, so that meant she could bother him until he told her the truth. Which, she had a bad feeling, would take quite a while.
"How about we start off with easy questions?" she suggested gently. "Why did you need a follow up after your physical?"
Kankuro sighed heavily. He really didn't want to get into this, not even with Momo. He was pretty sure he wasn't going to tell her just yet. Eventually, but at the rate things were going wouldn't it have just been easier to let her anger heat up and things just go down naturally. Though, their last breakup had been anything but terrible. It had ended rather smoothly, so why he was intent on making her mad he wasn't sure just yet. It had to be the validity of what was on his mind.
Another heavy sigh, and Kankuro narrowed his eyes down to Winry. "You're not going to let up 'til I tell you?" he asked crossing his arms and repeating her stance. His nose twitched, the smell of the place alone made him feel nauseated. "Not here...." he demanded. "You can take me to lunch," though he wasn't much on the hungry side.
Winry crossed her arms, frowning as she looked at him. "How about we just go out to your truck? You don't look like you could stomach much food and I already ate." She motioned towards the automatic doors that led outside. As she walked beside him, she was mostly silent, but once they were outside she spoke again, "How come Momo's not here with you? You look like you could use a little affection from your girlfriend."
It wasn't hard to find the monstrous black truck in the parking lot. She leaned against the side of the truck and looked over at him. "Well? Are you going to tell me now?"
Kankuro rolled his eyes, for some reason he was surrounded by women that wanted to know all his personal business, and he wasn't even comfortable telling Momo half the shit that rolled around his head. He'd just spent the last couple of days thinking he had an STD and no way to tell his girlfriend because she'd think the worst. Hell, he was thinking the worst. Now that that was cleared, the new news seemed almost as bad as the first.
"I didn't want her to come. She doesn't know I'm here..." he said leaning against the big black truck and shuffling his feet against the concrete. Another long and drawn out sigh. "Last week they thought I had an STD. This week tell me it was a mix-up and some other bastard has to live with it."
Winry had always been a bit controlling and overbearing. Her friends were no free from it and, likely, never would be. She needed to know what was going on, especially if she was concerned about them. She might have been pushy in getting them to tell her but, from her experience, that usually worked.
She gave him an incredulous look. So...he was bothered because they had told him he actually didn't have an STD? Right. That didn't make sense at all. "There's something else that you're not telling me. Why are you upset when you don't have an STD?"
"Because!" he stammered as if the words just couldn't come out. It was odd that he even willingly wanted to tell Winry. He needed to tell someone or he would drive himself into too much guilt. His therapist wasn't available, and there was no one else, not when his best friend was the last person he wanted to tell.
"They found something else, and this time it wasn't a mixup." His head almost seemed to hang, feeling the breeze shoot by as he stayed silent for a moment. "I've done a lot of bad shit in my life..." he said throwing Winry an honest glance. "I'm not a very nice guy," he sighed taking a seat on the giant truck's foot pedal which was more like the size of a surfboard. "I can't give Momo the life she wants. You know family, house with a picket fence and ring on her finger. I don't see much point anymore because kids and all that shit isn't possible. That's what they told me. All the fucking drugs. All the alcohol screwed me over. I fucked myself over."
She stared at him for a moment, not quite knowing what he was talking about at first. It worried her, however, when he mentioned the bad things he had done. She jumped to the worst possible assumption, of course. There was something wrong with him. He needed some kind of surgery or he might die or something like that.
She was visibly upset when he finished speaking. It wasn't as bad as what she had come up with, but it was still bad. Especially since she knew that Momo wanted children with him. She had a feeling, however, that he didn't know everything. She couldn't talk to the doctor- it wasn't her department and she wasn't family- so, for now, she could only get whatever information Kankuro had. "Look, Kankuro... just because you messed things up a bit doesn't mean it's completely hopeless."
"I've already enforced that I'm not the marrying time. That just clarifies for me that she is better suited with someone else. Like that ass-kissing ex." It was as if he'd already made up his mind at that moment. It didn't matter that keeping his sister's daughter for the last week somehow made him feel capable of kids. He didn't want them right? Then why did it hurt so bad to know it wasn't possible? Why did he want them all of a sudden, it was like forbidden fruit. Out of his reach, much like Momo had been when he first met her.
"Hey! Stop it," she said, glaring at him. "You're being stupid. Momo doesn't want to date that ex of hers, much less marry him." If she had her wrench with her she would have hit him for being such an idiot. "She loves you. She doesn't care if you can give her children or not. She wants to marry you for you. Sure, she wants kids, but there are other options. You know that."
"Doesn't mean I want any other options. She's 25, she should make her Daddy proud. I'm not being stupid, I'm being practical for once. We fight, I piss her off, I'm a horny bastard, I make her uncomfortable. I'm starting to think I forced her into loving me." His defenses were down and now he was just sounding like a depressed fool. He thought he'd gotten over this, why was he putting himself down? "I bring everyone around me down because of the choices I make, I'm just ready to give her the option for something else. Something she really wants."
"You are being stupid and if I had my tools with me, I would hit you. Maybe it would help knock some sense into you." At this rate she would hit him even without a tool. "Let's try this again, but slowly this time. Momo. Loves. You. Got it? You didn't force her to love you, you can't force someone to love you." She sighed. "Just think about this, you guys fight because something's wrong and you want to work through it. If you didn't care about your relationship you'd just end things whenever there was a problem."
"I think the STD would have been better..." At least if it was the right one it could be treated. There was no treating this, it was just an embarrassment. Kankuro looked down to the concrete rolling a small rock with his foot and then kicking it further into the parking lot under a nearby car. "I didn't want to marry her, and I sure as hell didn't want kids..." his voice trailed off, thoughts plaguing his mind. What did he want? It was obvious.
Winry sighed. "An STD would not have been better. Momo would have been angry with you." That was possibly an understatement. If Momo had thought that he had an STD, she might have broken things off with him right away. "With this... she can't possibly be mad at you. You were just... a stupid kid. You need to talk to her about it."
"Exactly. She'd have been mad enough to be forced away. I can't do anything with this," his voice seems almost shaky, the entire ordeal just enough to break him a little. To crack that barrier that he'd raised so high again. That control, that confidence in himself.
"Kankuro, stop it." She was almost pleading with him now. He was always so cocky whenever she was around him and she hated to see this side of him. "Momo loves you." She felt like she had repeated that over and over. "You guys can get through this and, who knows, your relationship might be even stronger afterwords."
His eyes shot back at her, that clear blue pushing all the emotion inside out. He still could never hide it, and that was evident in her response. It was as if he needed that reassurance because he sure as hell was too much of a coward to go to Momo right now. He laughed lightly, that tightness back in his throat before rubbing his hand over his eyes before that sting of water threatened to come down. "Why does she love me so much...." Shaking his head Kankuro attemtped to break this train of thought, because it never did well for him. It had been a long time since he'd felt like this, and it was obvious he wasn't comfortable with it. However, it was something of a relief.
Winry stared at him for a long moment. She shrugged at his question, though she figured it would be better not to answer it as he didn't look quite ready to deal with whatever humorous answer she might have decided to respond with. "She love you, you love her... You just need to talk to her about this and you guys will be fine. And about the marriage thing... you need to let her know that it's a possibility. I mean, I'm certainly not planning on getting married soon, but if Izuru told me that it wasn't going to happen I'd be pissed."
"I don't want to be pressured into something like that too soon. I never thought I'd do it, but I don't know maybe the ridiculous idea was starting to grow on me. I've never been the most committed of men...I suppose there's that ideal that I'll still fuck her over in the end." Those were the kind of thoughts that were the fighting battle every day. Even though he could look at himself in the mirror respectively, there was still a struggle from time to time, and this was a hard thing to swallow---especially when...
"She wants kids so damn bad..." he said running a thumb over the opposite hand and looking down again and away from Winry.
"Kankuro, believe me when I say that Momo doesn't want to pressure you into getting married. No girl wants to feel like she forced a marriage and I'm sure Momo feels horrible if you say something like that. She believes in you, you know. Even if you think that you're going to fuck your relationship up at some point. Momo knows that you won't. You two are in love. You can figure something out that makes both of you happy, I know you can."
She gave a little nod. "I know, but there are lots of things that you can look into."
"I say a lot of shit I shouldn't say..." he said laughing leaning back and letting his head rest against the truck door. "Damn you make me sound like not such a bad guy. Can you do that to her father?" Mr. Hinamori was one of the driving forces behind how things had gone down recently. True, it was bound to come up eventually, but insulting his daughter hadn't been the best way to go about it, and it only made Momo more determined to find out what Kankuro's true intentions were. For a while he'd hung off the fact that they should move in, and then just naturally on it's own accord it was as if it was what was supposed to happen. Momo hadn't even pressed that issue before he gradually just started living there. The condo was also his idea, so maybe in his subconcious somewhere he'd already agreed with his mind that Momo would be the girl he'd spend the rest of his life with. He was just forever putting up that block that he should forever stay a bachlor. Things were changing, he was older, and Momo was the best girl for him.
"It's embarrassing..." he said turning his head and emphasizing his point.
"Come on, you're not a bad guy. I know her dad seems to think you're...the devil incarnate or something, but... I think Momo would like both of her parents to like you, but if that can't happen she still wants to be with you, still wants to get married. She loves her dad, but she knows he's being ridiculous."
Winry reached over and smacked the back of his head. "So? Lots of people have fertility problems. You need to talk to Momo and go see a doctor together."
"All her father sees is my father. A ruthless tyrant that has not compassion for anyone or anything." His eyebrow quirked. "I shattered that idea when I told him what I really thought. I may have had a more colorful explanation though." He was proud of himself however that he hadn't let his anger stem up from the depths of his personality, and he kept rather calm considering he just became flamboyant in his words. Scratching the back of his head, Kankuro got a small grin on his face, the first one that Winry had seen since they sat down to talk. "I think her mother likes me....even if I did steal her daughter's virginity..."
Rubbing the back of his head he shot Winry a glare. "So? Shouldn't that be a girl's problem not mine." He didn't have any problems spouting his sex life on the internet, so why should with a doctor be any different. It just was.
She rolled her eyes. "I got it, I got it, her dad's an ass who judges people well before getting to know them. Stop concerning yourself with her parents so much, though. If you two do end up getting married then they're just going to have to deal with you being in the family." It was horrible that Momo's father could be so cruel when his daughter was happy. Of course, she didn't know that well how father's were supposed to react to their daughter's boyfriends. She hadn't quite gotten to dating age before her parents had gone overseas.
"You need to get all the information and, if you're uncomfortable with some doctor, I can explain things. Look, it was caused by the alcohol and drugs, right? Alcohol reduces sperm count and affects sperm quality and opiates affect hormone production. It's possible drug treatment might help but, if not, IVF is probably the best route to go."
"I know the explanation, thank you," he said amusement clearly not present and his tone slightly irked. "I probably wouldn't have cared 8 years ago anyway. I was too intent on defying my old man. That meant a lot of bad shit until he threw me into the Military Academy then they wiped that slate clean." His slate had been wiped clean again when Momo trusted herself with him and saw the person that was deep down. Why had he ever thought that he should give that up? Because it scared him to be so close to someone.
"IVF?" he said quizzically. "I don't know all your doctor terminology."
"In vitro fertilization. You give a couple samples, they harvest some of Momo's eggs. The doctor works to find viable sperm, uses those to fertilize the eggs and injects the fertilized eggs into Momo. Hopefully one will implant and then Momo will be pregnant." It amused her that she was explaining all of this when Kankuro was still adamant that he wasn't going to marry or have children with Momo.
Kankuro twitched, that just sounded like a lot of work, and he still wasn't even sure how this would go down with Momo. "The doctor mentioned fertility drugs, I didn't even think they made that shit for men." He shook his head. This was all a little much when if he did marry Momo it would be a few years from now. "No wonder she never had any false alarms."
"Of course, they do. They have to. Not every couple that has fertility problems involves the woman having the trouble. They had to come up with something to help men too." She smiled gently before continuing. "Look, whether or not you're ready to get married and have kids right now you should look into this stuff and see if a hormonal treatment will help. It's a lot easier and a lot less expensive than IVF."
"I guess...it's what Momo wants to do," he said, the most non-concieted thing he'd probably ever entrusted in Winry, or anyone else for that matter that wasn't really his therapist. "Money isn't an issue. Just...." he paused looking at Winry again with those soft, blue eyes. "Not right now. I don't feel like going into this with her." He still had his pride, and there was only so much of it he could break down at a time. This was hard enough dealing with as it was.
Who: Kankuro + Winry
When: Wednesday afternoon
Where: Hospital
Rating: PG
Open/Closed To: Closed/Completed log between Kankuro and Winry
Everything out of the doctor's mouth ran by so quickly, and all Kankuro could do was look at him with this jet-lagged expression on his face. Just last week they'd called him in after some mix-up, throwing him into some guilty emotions when they thought he had an STD. He'd been a good boy, so idea was relatively out of line unless there'd been something laying dormant for years. The second string of tests proved the mix-up, but it had only pulled in a whole new string of problems when results came in. If Kankuro ever felt guilty about anything, then it was what he'd done to himself because it only pulled down everyone around him.
The years of drugs and excessive alcohol had damaged more than his mental state. It had damaged his ability to have kids. The percentage was so low, that it could be almost impossible in the grander scheme of things. The doctor ran off a bunch of options in the long run to benefit and help the situation, but Kankuro had already heard enough. As usual he only heard what he wanted to hear, and it only put more pressure in the back of his mind to the complications that had risen between him and Momo. This put a bigger trip on his self-esteem and where they would be headed. Why bother when he really wasn't going to be able to give her the life, the family she wanted. He'd damaged himself, and that's all there was to it. It didn't matter that he'd started to lax himself on the idea of their future. It only seemed fair now that she just continue with someone more suitable.
The walk out the door and down the hall of the hospital only seemed to take longer to get out of. The air in his lungs felt suffocated, his throat tight and legs stiff. Sure maybe he didn't want kids in the end, he didn't want to make a lousy father, but maybe in a few years he would have changed his mind. After seeing Temari in her own happiness with her child, it seemed almost natural that if she could have one he could at some point. However, when you were told you couldn't have something even after not wanting it---it was as if the want grew out of nowhere. The more the burn for it enhanced, and now there was nothing he could do about it.
Winry had taken to wandering the hospital when she had a break and Izuru was busy. Plus, she'd happened to glance into a couple folders at the nurse's station and she saw that Kankuro should be just about finishing a follow up appointment. She would have liked to have hovered at the nurse's station and found out why Kankuro needed a follow up, but a few of the women there had noticed her. One of them, the head of the little clique that had formed between the nurses on that floor, disliked her quite a bit. When the woman shot a glare at her, Winry just turned and stalked away. The annoying woman was just jealous because Winry was dating Izuru.
She hurried off to the room she'd seen on Kankuro's appointment slip. Follow ups usually weren't necessary unless something significant was wrong. She'd thought he'd had a pretty routine physical, but apparently that wasn't the case. When she reached the door, she peeked in the little window, but the doctor was standing in the way and keeping her from seeing Kankuro. "Ahh... I guess I can wait," she said as she leaned against the wall next to the door.
When the door opened, she pushed off from the wall and quickly followed Kankuro who clearly had something on his mind. "Hey! Kankuro! What are you doing here again?" she asked cheerfully as she reached his side. Once she looked at him and saw the expression on his face, her mood immediately fell. "What's wrong?"
There were times he could easily throw up a grin, forced or not and throw anyone off that wanted to dig deeper into his mind. Since the years of therapy, and the heavy mix of things going on in his life---it wasn't so easy this time. It was especially hard when the people around knew him fairly well. The point of the matter was that he was just downright embarrassed, if not disappointed in himself.
When that grin failed to surface Kankuro just shot Winry a shake of his head. "Nothin'," he said simply. "Just a mix up." He hadn't lied, he just managed to ignore that there was more to the situation than that. He was starting to close off, and had Momo been there at that moment she would berated him over that fact. So often when things plagued him, he set inside his own world and didn't care to open up to anyone. Therapy sessions had managed to break that up over time, but even the most mentally healthy person could hide inside their head if the problems were big enough. He hadn't done this since Gaara's kidnapping and feigned death years ago. This was by far not as serious as that, but Kankuro was putting the guilt trip on again.
Winry walked around in front of him and crossed her arms. "Hey. Stop it. There's something wrong and acting like you're fine is not going to go over with me." She could be a bit pushy when she wanted to, but it was all right if it was well intended, right? She considered Kankuro a friend, he didn't annoy her quite as much now as he used to, so that meant she could bother him until he told her the truth. Which, she had a bad feeling, would take quite a while.
"How about we start off with easy questions?" she suggested gently. "Why did you need a follow up after your physical?"
Kankuro sighed heavily. He really didn't want to get into this, not even with Momo. He was pretty sure he wasn't going to tell her just yet. Eventually, but at the rate things were going wouldn't it have just been easier to let her anger heat up and things just go down naturally. Though, their last breakup had been anything but terrible. It had ended rather smoothly, so why he was intent on making her mad he wasn't sure just yet. It had to be the validity of what was on his mind.
Another heavy sigh, and Kankuro narrowed his eyes down to Winry. "You're not going to let up 'til I tell you?" he asked crossing his arms and repeating her stance. His nose twitched, the smell of the place alone made him feel nauseated. "Not here...." he demanded. "You can take me to lunch," though he wasn't much on the hungry side.
Winry crossed her arms, frowning as she looked at him. "How about we just go out to your truck? You don't look like you could stomach much food and I already ate." She motioned towards the automatic doors that led outside. As she walked beside him, she was mostly silent, but once they were outside she spoke again, "How come Momo's not here with you? You look like you could use a little affection from your girlfriend."
It wasn't hard to find the monstrous black truck in the parking lot. She leaned against the side of the truck and looked over at him. "Well? Are you going to tell me now?"
Kankuro rolled his eyes, for some reason he was surrounded by women that wanted to know all his personal business, and he wasn't even comfortable telling Momo half the shit that rolled around his head. He'd just spent the last couple of days thinking he had an STD and no way to tell his girlfriend because she'd think the worst. Hell, he was thinking the worst. Now that that was cleared, the new news seemed almost as bad as the first.
"I didn't want her to come. She doesn't know I'm here..." he said leaning against the big black truck and shuffling his feet against the concrete. Another long and drawn out sigh. "Last week they thought I had an STD. This week tell me it was a mix-up and some other bastard has to live with it."
Winry had always been a bit controlling and overbearing. Her friends were no free from it and, likely, never would be. She needed to know what was going on, especially if she was concerned about them. She might have been pushy in getting them to tell her but, from her experience, that usually worked.
She gave him an incredulous look. So...he was bothered because they had told him he actually didn't have an STD? Right. That didn't make sense at all. "There's something else that you're not telling me. Why are you upset when you don't have an STD?"
"Because!" he stammered as if the words just couldn't come out. It was odd that he even willingly wanted to tell Winry. He needed to tell someone or he would drive himself into too much guilt. His therapist wasn't available, and there was no one else, not when his best friend was the last person he wanted to tell.
"They found something else, and this time it wasn't a mixup." His head almost seemed to hang, feeling the breeze shoot by as he stayed silent for a moment. "I've done a lot of bad shit in my life..." he said throwing Winry an honest glance. "I'm not a very nice guy," he sighed taking a seat on the giant truck's foot pedal which was more like the size of a surfboard. "I can't give Momo the life she wants. You know family, house with a picket fence and ring on her finger. I don't see much point anymore because kids and all that shit isn't possible. That's what they told me. All the fucking drugs. All the alcohol screwed me over. I fucked myself over."
She stared at him for a moment, not quite knowing what he was talking about at first. It worried her, however, when he mentioned the bad things he had done. She jumped to the worst possible assumption, of course. There was something wrong with him. He needed some kind of surgery or he might die or something like that.
She was visibly upset when he finished speaking. It wasn't as bad as what she had come up with, but it was still bad. Especially since she knew that Momo wanted children with him. She had a feeling, however, that he didn't know everything. She couldn't talk to the doctor- it wasn't her department and she wasn't family- so, for now, she could only get whatever information Kankuro had. "Look, Kankuro... just because you messed things up a bit doesn't mean it's completely hopeless."
"I've already enforced that I'm not the marrying time. That just clarifies for me that she is better suited with someone else. Like that ass-kissing ex." It was as if he'd already made up his mind at that moment. It didn't matter that keeping his sister's daughter for the last week somehow made him feel capable of kids. He didn't want them right? Then why did it hurt so bad to know it wasn't possible? Why did he want them all of a sudden, it was like forbidden fruit. Out of his reach, much like Momo had been when he first met her.
"Hey! Stop it," she said, glaring at him. "You're being stupid. Momo doesn't want to date that ex of hers, much less marry him." If she had her wrench with her she would have hit him for being such an idiot. "She loves you. She doesn't care if you can give her children or not. She wants to marry you for you. Sure, she wants kids, but there are other options. You know that."
"Doesn't mean I want any other options. She's 25, she should make her Daddy proud. I'm not being stupid, I'm being practical for once. We fight, I piss her off, I'm a horny bastard, I make her uncomfortable. I'm starting to think I forced her into loving me." His defenses were down and now he was just sounding like a depressed fool. He thought he'd gotten over this, why was he putting himself down? "I bring everyone around me down because of the choices I make, I'm just ready to give her the option for something else. Something she really wants."
"You are being stupid and if I had my tools with me, I would hit you. Maybe it would help knock some sense into you." At this rate she would hit him even without a tool. "Let's try this again, but slowly this time. Momo. Loves. You. Got it? You didn't force her to love you, you can't force someone to love you." She sighed. "Just think about this, you guys fight because something's wrong and you want to work through it. If you didn't care about your relationship you'd just end things whenever there was a problem."
"I think the STD would have been better..." At least if it was the right one it could be treated. There was no treating this, it was just an embarrassment. Kankuro looked down to the concrete rolling a small rock with his foot and then kicking it further into the parking lot under a nearby car. "I didn't want to marry her, and I sure as hell didn't want kids..." his voice trailed off, thoughts plaguing his mind. What did he want? It was obvious.
Winry sighed. "An STD would not have been better. Momo would have been angry with you." That was possibly an understatement. If Momo had thought that he had an STD, she might have broken things off with him right away. "With this... she can't possibly be mad at you. You were just... a stupid kid. You need to talk to her about it."
"Exactly. She'd have been mad enough to be forced away. I can't do anything with this," his voice seems almost shaky, the entire ordeal just enough to break him a little. To crack that barrier that he'd raised so high again. That control, that confidence in himself.
"Kankuro, stop it." She was almost pleading with him now. He was always so cocky whenever she was around him and she hated to see this side of him. "Momo loves you." She felt like she had repeated that over and over. "You guys can get through this and, who knows, your relationship might be even stronger afterwords."
His eyes shot back at her, that clear blue pushing all the emotion inside out. He still could never hide it, and that was evident in her response. It was as if he needed that reassurance because he sure as hell was too much of a coward to go to Momo right now. He laughed lightly, that tightness back in his throat before rubbing his hand over his eyes before that sting of water threatened to come down. "Why does she love me so much...." Shaking his head Kankuro attemtped to break this train of thought, because it never did well for him. It had been a long time since he'd felt like this, and it was obvious he wasn't comfortable with it. However, it was something of a relief.
Winry stared at him for a long moment. She shrugged at his question, though she figured it would be better not to answer it as he didn't look quite ready to deal with whatever humorous answer she might have decided to respond with. "She love you, you love her... You just need to talk to her about this and you guys will be fine. And about the marriage thing... you need to let her know that it's a possibility. I mean, I'm certainly not planning on getting married soon, but if Izuru told me that it wasn't going to happen I'd be pissed."
"I don't want to be pressured into something like that too soon. I never thought I'd do it, but I don't know maybe the ridiculous idea was starting to grow on me. I've never been the most committed of men...I suppose there's that ideal that I'll still fuck her over in the end." Those were the kind of thoughts that were the fighting battle every day. Even though he could look at himself in the mirror respectively, there was still a struggle from time to time, and this was a hard thing to swallow---especially when...
"She wants kids so damn bad..." he said running a thumb over the opposite hand and looking down again and away from Winry.
"Kankuro, believe me when I say that Momo doesn't want to pressure you into getting married. No girl wants to feel like she forced a marriage and I'm sure Momo feels horrible if you say something like that. She believes in you, you know. Even if you think that you're going to fuck your relationship up at some point. Momo knows that you won't. You two are in love. You can figure something out that makes both of you happy, I know you can."
She gave a little nod. "I know, but there are lots of things that you can look into."
"I say a lot of shit I shouldn't say..." he said laughing leaning back and letting his head rest against the truck door. "Damn you make me sound like not such a bad guy. Can you do that to her father?" Mr. Hinamori was one of the driving forces behind how things had gone down recently. True, it was bound to come up eventually, but insulting his daughter hadn't been the best way to go about it, and it only made Momo more determined to find out what Kankuro's true intentions were. For a while he'd hung off the fact that they should move in, and then just naturally on it's own accord it was as if it was what was supposed to happen. Momo hadn't even pressed that issue before he gradually just started living there. The condo was also his idea, so maybe in his subconcious somewhere he'd already agreed with his mind that Momo would be the girl he'd spend the rest of his life with. He was just forever putting up that block that he should forever stay a bachlor. Things were changing, he was older, and Momo was the best girl for him.
"It's embarrassing..." he said turning his head and emphasizing his point.
"Come on, you're not a bad guy. I know her dad seems to think you're...the devil incarnate or something, but... I think Momo would like both of her parents to like you, but if that can't happen she still wants to be with you, still wants to get married. She loves her dad, but she knows he's being ridiculous."
Winry reached over and smacked the back of his head. "So? Lots of people have fertility problems. You need to talk to Momo and go see a doctor together."
"All her father sees is my father. A ruthless tyrant that has not compassion for anyone or anything." His eyebrow quirked. "I shattered that idea when I told him what I really thought. I may have had a more colorful explanation though." He was proud of himself however that he hadn't let his anger stem up from the depths of his personality, and he kept rather calm considering he just became flamboyant in his words. Scratching the back of his head, Kankuro got a small grin on his face, the first one that Winry had seen since they sat down to talk. "I think her mother likes me....even if I did steal her daughter's virginity..."
Rubbing the back of his head he shot Winry a glare. "So? Shouldn't that be a girl's problem not mine." He didn't have any problems spouting his sex life on the internet, so why should with a doctor be any different. It just was.
She rolled her eyes. "I got it, I got it, her dad's an ass who judges people well before getting to know them. Stop concerning yourself with her parents so much, though. If you two do end up getting married then they're just going to have to deal with you being in the family." It was horrible that Momo's father could be so cruel when his daughter was happy. Of course, she didn't know that well how father's were supposed to react to their daughter's boyfriends. She hadn't quite gotten to dating age before her parents had gone overseas.
"You need to get all the information and, if you're uncomfortable with some doctor, I can explain things. Look, it was caused by the alcohol and drugs, right? Alcohol reduces sperm count and affects sperm quality and opiates affect hormone production. It's possible drug treatment might help but, if not, IVF is probably the best route to go."
"I know the explanation, thank you," he said amusement clearly not present and his tone slightly irked. "I probably wouldn't have cared 8 years ago anyway. I was too intent on defying my old man. That meant a lot of bad shit until he threw me into the Military Academy then they wiped that slate clean." His slate had been wiped clean again when Momo trusted herself with him and saw the person that was deep down. Why had he ever thought that he should give that up? Because it scared him to be so close to someone.
"IVF?" he said quizzically. "I don't know all your doctor terminology."
"In vitro fertilization. You give a couple samples, they harvest some of Momo's eggs. The doctor works to find viable sperm, uses those to fertilize the eggs and injects the fertilized eggs into Momo. Hopefully one will implant and then Momo will be pregnant." It amused her that she was explaining all of this when Kankuro was still adamant that he wasn't going to marry or have children with Momo.
Kankuro twitched, that just sounded like a lot of work, and he still wasn't even sure how this would go down with Momo. "The doctor mentioned fertility drugs, I didn't even think they made that shit for men." He shook his head. This was all a little much when if he did marry Momo it would be a few years from now. "No wonder she never had any false alarms."
"Of course, they do. They have to. Not every couple that has fertility problems involves the woman having the trouble. They had to come up with something to help men too." She smiled gently before continuing. "Look, whether or not you're ready to get married and have kids right now you should look into this stuff and see if a hormonal treatment will help. It's a lot easier and a lot less expensive than IVF."
"I guess...it's what Momo wants to do," he said, the most non-concieted thing he'd probably ever entrusted in Winry, or anyone else for that matter that wasn't really his therapist. "Money isn't an issue. Just...." he paused looking at Winry again with those soft, blue eyes. "Not right now. I don't feel like going into this with her." He still had his pride, and there was only so much of it he could break down at a time. This was hard enough dealing with as it was.