and one day I realized that the world knew me better than I could have ever known it
It's been two months since I updated this bad boy. With school going into overdrive and Daniel driving me by the seat of my pants I can honestly say I have had little time to think of anything past basic nursing procedures. Enema anyone? Exams have been over since last Thursday and I've been doing nothing ever since. Literally. No I'm serious. Well, ok not entirely nothing. I guess since I've neglected to honestly "think" about much for the past few months my mind is overcompensating. I've questioned everything from my schooling to my hairstyle with no real answers coming forth. Somehow I'm not bothered by this. I am pretty happy with the choices I've made up until this point.
"The best years of my life were the ones that I spent suffering because they made me the person I am today. All those years of happiness were a waste"
I love this line. I never thought Little Miss Sunshine would be so insightful. It was an inspiring story that I could relate to on many levels (not sure if that is a good thing or not). I think that I've come to a similar conclusion regarding my life. I've spent many years hating my past and my family but in the end it has made me a better person. I don't think I'll ever truly get over what happened to me but I am slowly moving on...and I mean slowly. I just know that I never want my son to have to experience what my sister and I went through. Now, that being said it's not as though I never want him to experience hardship. Challenges are what make us stronger and I fully appreciate that.
When I put him to bed tonight I had given him his newly washed stuffed dog to take with him. I did as I usually do and tell him that if he stays in his room quietly for two minutes I'll come back to sit with him for a bit. From the way the day had progressed I had suspected he might not be so compliant. I came back a few minutes later to find him fast asleep holding his dog a close to his body as possible. I thought back to how I grieved for my social loss when he was born. Now I grieve because day by day I am losing my baby. Nights like tonight I want to scoop him up and watch him sleep until my arms go numb. Up until now I've been ignorant to the pain so many mothers silently carry. Perhaps because my life has been so busy I had never noticed it before, or perhaps I just ignored it. Everyday Daniel grows firmer into his own foundation and with each step I proudly cheer but deep in my heart I cry because I know that time spares no one. After 23 years of life I now understand what it means to love someone so much that it hurts.
"The best years of my life were the ones that I spent suffering because they made me the person I am today. All those years of happiness were a waste"
I love this line. I never thought Little Miss Sunshine would be so insightful. It was an inspiring story that I could relate to on many levels (not sure if that is a good thing or not). I think that I've come to a similar conclusion regarding my life. I've spent many years hating my past and my family but in the end it has made me a better person. I don't think I'll ever truly get over what happened to me but I am slowly moving on...and I mean slowly. I just know that I never want my son to have to experience what my sister and I went through. Now, that being said it's not as though I never want him to experience hardship. Challenges are what make us stronger and I fully appreciate that.
When I put him to bed tonight I had given him his newly washed stuffed dog to take with him. I did as I usually do and tell him that if he stays in his room quietly for two minutes I'll come back to sit with him for a bit. From the way the day had progressed I had suspected he might not be so compliant. I came back a few minutes later to find him fast asleep holding his dog a close to his body as possible. I thought back to how I grieved for my social loss when he was born. Now I grieve because day by day I am losing my baby. Nights like tonight I want to scoop him up and watch him sleep until my arms go numb. Up until now I've been ignorant to the pain so many mothers silently carry. Perhaps because my life has been so busy I had never noticed it before, or perhaps I just ignored it. Everyday Daniel grows firmer into his own foundation and with each step I proudly cheer but deep in my heart I cry because I know that time spares no one. After 23 years of life I now understand what it means to love someone so much that it hurts.