Paralysis of the soul
I tried to find the word paralyzed in the list of moods, and couldn't. That really is the best word to describe my state of being, because I have succumbed to a paralysis of feeling and purpose. And this has pretty much been me in a nutshell since January.
I can't go on living as I've been living up to this point, ignoring everything that happens to be inconvenient to me, and only doing what I pleased. Part of this is because I don't know what I please anymore. I have done nothing for the past couple of months except go to class occasionally and waste my time playing videogames and rereading books for the umpteenth time and idly browse the Internet. I never draw anymore, working on my portfolio doesn't inspire me in the least, and I haven't written a word of fiction since last November. I also haven't really done a lick of real excercise outside my gym classes, and I'm bored out of my skull. But God forbid I try something different. And God forbid I be okay with all this. I wrote a really depressing post a while back and made it private right away, but the core of that short post is true: I hate myself. I don't like the way I'm wasting my time, and I think I'm a hack artist, and I hate that I'm fat and out of shape, and I hate that I have ADD and Asperger's and that I have to make the rounds with specialists to try to work out a way so that I can have a happier life. Too bad I'll never have a NORMAL life.
It's obvious I need to change. I'm afraid to change. I tried to express this to my parents, and they just say: "But staying the way you are is hurting you, so don't you think changing is better?" Sure, but THEY'RE MISSING THE POINT. I'm afraid, end of story. That doesn't mean I'm not going to try, but I'M AFRAID.
But if I'm going to change, what should I change? I should do away with all the things that I hate. I can't get rid of my disorders and I probably wouldn't if I had the choice, (well, maybe ADD, but considering how similar it and Asperger's are, what's the bloody difference anyway?) I can't get rid of the specialists, and I can't magically make my parents stop worrying. But I can do more exercise, and I can do more artwork and I can write more and I can, say, help out at MWOS instead of spending my days glued to a screen. Speaking of the specialists who are a necessary evil, I'm seeing a coach who's trying to help me get my life back in order and sometimes I wonder if I'm really getting some control over my life or if this coach is just another person who tells me what to do.
And all the things I took for granted are no longer certainties anymore. I chose the Visual Arts program at Dawson with the idea that I would continue in Art at University and round off my education with some creative writing. When I thought about going to University, that's all I ever considered. Whether or not I'm a hack artist, my main creative activity was constant doodling of anime characters on whatever paper I could get a hold on. I don't do that anymore. A painting I started for my portfolio sits neglected on my shelf, half-finished. I can't even tell you if I ever enjoyed art. I mean, sure, I'm sort of good at it, but unlike my classmates I never did anything other than doodles in my spare time. I never had any personal projects. Do I really belong in Art? I don't know anymore. But what else can I do, if I don't go into art? I can't become a singer, I'm having the same doubts about writing as I am about art, and I can't teach.
I just don't know anymore.
I can't go on living as I've been living up to this point, ignoring everything that happens to be inconvenient to me, and only doing what I pleased. Part of this is because I don't know what I please anymore. I have done nothing for the past couple of months except go to class occasionally and waste my time playing videogames and rereading books for the umpteenth time and idly browse the Internet. I never draw anymore, working on my portfolio doesn't inspire me in the least, and I haven't written a word of fiction since last November. I also haven't really done a lick of real excercise outside my gym classes, and I'm bored out of my skull. But God forbid I try something different. And God forbid I be okay with all this. I wrote a really depressing post a while back and made it private right away, but the core of that short post is true: I hate myself. I don't like the way I'm wasting my time, and I think I'm a hack artist, and I hate that I'm fat and out of shape, and I hate that I have ADD and Asperger's and that I have to make the rounds with specialists to try to work out a way so that I can have a happier life. Too bad I'll never have a NORMAL life.
It's obvious I need to change. I'm afraid to change. I tried to express this to my parents, and they just say: "But staying the way you are is hurting you, so don't you think changing is better?" Sure, but THEY'RE MISSING THE POINT. I'm afraid, end of story. That doesn't mean I'm not going to try, but I'M AFRAID.
But if I'm going to change, what should I change? I should do away with all the things that I hate. I can't get rid of my disorders and I probably wouldn't if I had the choice, (well, maybe ADD, but considering how similar it and Asperger's are, what's the bloody difference anyway?) I can't get rid of the specialists, and I can't magically make my parents stop worrying. But I can do more exercise, and I can do more artwork and I can write more and I can, say, help out at MWOS instead of spending my days glued to a screen. Speaking of the specialists who are a necessary evil, I'm seeing a coach who's trying to help me get my life back in order and sometimes I wonder if I'm really getting some control over my life or if this coach is just another person who tells me what to do.
And all the things I took for granted are no longer certainties anymore. I chose the Visual Arts program at Dawson with the idea that I would continue in Art at University and round off my education with some creative writing. When I thought about going to University, that's all I ever considered. Whether or not I'm a hack artist, my main creative activity was constant doodling of anime characters on whatever paper I could get a hold on. I don't do that anymore. A painting I started for my portfolio sits neglected on my shelf, half-finished. I can't even tell you if I ever enjoyed art. I mean, sure, I'm sort of good at it, but unlike my classmates I never did anything other than doodles in my spare time. I never had any personal projects. Do I really belong in Art? I don't know anymore. But what else can I do, if I don't go into art? I can't become a singer, I'm having the same doubts about writing as I am about art, and I can't teach.
I just don't know anymore.