updates updates.
So much has been going on in my life. gosh i cant believe most of it. lets see, i havent written on here for about three months so i have so much to write about. So, I moved out about my apartment with holly for having a fallout. I'm really enjoying myself though. i have a lovely apartment, with tons of space. i totally needed it though. Living there was suffocating. there was no space for anyone. I was off work for such a long time so i didnt have money to go anywhere so, i was trapped. it was really killing me. Having seven people in a small place every other weekend drove me nuts. don't get me wrong i enjoyed my time there but having no privacy, no space. it was not good. plus trying to keep it clean was a nightmare. I would clean and three seconds later it was a tornado zone. Im not used to people not cleaning up after themselves. It drove me nuts. The truth is you have to dust, do dishes clean the bathroom and vaccuum, its part of leading a healthy life. and there it just seemed that kim and i were the only ones who really picked up after ourselves. It drove me crazy. Maybe i ignored her because i wanted out. After our fight, i didn't even want to deal with it anymore. She was a changed person, i didn't know her anymore. I didn't want my life to be involved with someone so different. She was unkind and severe. Judging everyone and being bitter. I thought that once she lost her weight she would gain the confidence she so greatly needed, but instead i think she was more insecure and unsure of herself more than ever. It made me sad. I only felt like she was herself when she was at peace. alone sitting on the beach. us talking and laughing. But most of the time she was in a bad mood, snide with everyone. It brought me saddness to see her like that. I think that the stresses of her relationships was getting to her. But oh well, i told her how i felt about things. and instead she read my journal, email, and ims. i forgive her for acting irrationally, i know that emotions can take over sometimes. Which brings me to my next topic. My emotions. This year has been a roller coaster for my emotions. having to deal with so much emotionally draining events all at once was really not good. Heres a list of all the things that effected me.
-Elvis' car accident.
-my car getting towed.
-trying to find a job.
-my job being given away.
-moving.
-my car accident.
-having to pay for repairs.
-planning danaes birthday party.
-friends not appreciating what i do.
-Kyle's car accident and him being in the hospital.
-Matt's death.
-Losing trust in the people i cared aboutn most.
-the breakup.
-and so much more.
it was all really draining. i didn't know who i was or what to do. I was lost. I knew one way of life for such a long time, and all within a month everything that i knew was ejected from my life and i was expected to just start over and not think twice about it. I needed my friends to be there for me, but it seemed i wasnt the one who needed to be comforted, i didn't need the hugs, i was still the one who was supposed to just listen. I've always been honest and level headed about things. i try not to act irrationally and hurt people. But i have. this year i have. The truth is, i was lost. I was at my wits end. I didn't want to think for other people i needed to do things for myself. just be selfish and do something for myself. was it wrong. sure it was. but it also wasnt. I needed to figure out where my life was going. i was at a crossroads in my life a few months ago. I could either continue my meaningless exsistence or i could change everything that was happening in my life try to gain control. i went about it entirely the wrong way and i hurt the people i cared about. I just wanted to feel like i was in control of my life. i needed to feel like i had a grasp of everything that was happening. and for one night. for one kiss. i felt like iwas in control. it was wrong of me to try to be in control that way but i just needed it. My emotions of everything happening just took over. and after that everything was looking up i got a job. i moved. i had a falling our out here. but im still going strong. I still get sad about things and i feel like dying but i know in my heart things will always get better. things can always turn around and i hope that i find my way and make a difference. I've forgiven everyone for everything bad they've done to me thus far. but i dont expect to be forgiven myself. People have to realize forgivness decide if they feel that it is worth it, appreciated. I choose to forgive everyone because i dont want hate in my heart. its unbecoming. Ive had a spiritual awakening. and i love every second of it.
-Elvis' car accident.
-my car getting towed.
-trying to find a job.
-my job being given away.
-moving.
-my car accident.
-having to pay for repairs.
-planning danaes birthday party.
-friends not appreciating what i do.
-Kyle's car accident and him being in the hospital.
-Matt's death.
-Losing trust in the people i cared aboutn most.
-the breakup.
-and so much more.
it was all really draining. i didn't know who i was or what to do. I was lost. I knew one way of life for such a long time, and all within a month everything that i knew was ejected from my life and i was expected to just start over and not think twice about it. I needed my friends to be there for me, but it seemed i wasnt the one who needed to be comforted, i didn't need the hugs, i was still the one who was supposed to just listen. I've always been honest and level headed about things. i try not to act irrationally and hurt people. But i have. this year i have. The truth is, i was lost. I was at my wits end. I didn't want to think for other people i needed to do things for myself. just be selfish and do something for myself. was it wrong. sure it was. but it also wasnt. I needed to figure out where my life was going. i was at a crossroads in my life a few months ago. I could either continue my meaningless exsistence or i could change everything that was happening in my life try to gain control. i went about it entirely the wrong way and i hurt the people i cared about. I just wanted to feel like i was in control of my life. i needed to feel like i had a grasp of everything that was happening. and for one night. for one kiss. i felt like iwas in control. it was wrong of me to try to be in control that way but i just needed it. My emotions of everything happening just took over. and after that everything was looking up i got a job. i moved. i had a falling our out here. but im still going strong. I still get sad about things and i feel like dying but i know in my heart things will always get better. things can always turn around and i hope that i find my way and make a difference. I've forgiven everyone for everything bad they've done to me thus far. but i dont expect to be forgiven myself. People have to realize forgivness decide if they feel that it is worth it, appreciated. I choose to forgive everyone because i dont want hate in my heart. its unbecoming. Ive had a spiritual awakening. and i love every second of it.